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by madcrafter72
Summary: By walking out on her marriage with no notice, by excluding her husband from all parts of her life with no explanation, Kate Beckett has broken something precious and fragile – Rick Castle's belief in their always and forever. Can she find him to fix it? Written for the Castle 2015 Winter Hiatus Ficathon. Gorgeous cover art by the wonderful Angie @dtrekker COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

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 **A season 8 Castle AU for the Castle Winter Hiatus Ficathon 2015. The story starts during episode 8x05, The Nose, when Castle meets Mia Laszlo and goes AU from there.**

 **The title is French meaning to fix, mend or make amends.**

Kate Beckett unlocked the door to the loft with her key, somewhat surprised it still worked. She didn't think she deserved to let herself in, but Alexis had assured her no one would be home, and she did need to collect more of her things. It had been awkward talking to Rick about it, and she wasn't sure he understood it was only temporary. Of course he wouldn't understand, she reprimanded herself, she didn't tell him anything, just that she loved him, and hoped that he would forgive her when it was all over. Part of her knew that if he got even an inkling of what was going on, he would just jump straight in with her, and she couldn't afford that. If nothing else, Rick and his family had to be kept safe. She did not consider the fact that she was also part of his family now.

When she first packed her bag, she did not think it would take this long to chase down LOCSAT, but the past two months had shown her that nothing was going to be easy, and the small weekender bag she had taken then was not going to see her through to the end of this crusade. Privately, she could admit to herself it was a crusade, although she would reprimand anyone else who used that word. It was her fault her AG team was dead, and it was her job to get justice for them. Her personal happiness was secondary to that. Again, she did not consider the fact that her happiness was also her husband's happiness. Kate Beckett was very good at ignoring inconvenient facts and living in denial.

As soon as she stepped inside, she could tell no one was home. The whole loft felt empty, abandoned. It was a weird change from the last time she was here, and she took a few minutes to wander around and re-familiarise herself with the home she walked out of. She knew she could not, or would not have done this if Rick was home, and she briefly wondered where he was. Certainly not at the precinct, as she had come from there. And not at his P.I. office, because she had called there on the way, when Alexis had told her no one was home. Alexis seemed very sure that Rick wouldn't be home, but she didn't give any indications of where he may be, either. Kate knew he wasn't at the office hiding from her (why would he do that, anyway) because the secret room door had been open when she walked in.

The lounge looked the same, cushions artfully arranged on the couch, the TV and gaming consoles dark and dusty. She realised she couldn't see any of the Standby lights on, and went nearer to investigate. All the power boards were turned off. She wandered into Castle's study, and saw that again everything was in its place, his desk clear of his computer, the story board tucked into a corner and powered off. She was starting to get a feeling of unease, and quickened her steps into their – his – bedroom.

What she saw there stole her breath. The bed was made with her favourite comforter, and the layer of dust indicated it had not been slept on in quite some time. The closet opposite was half open, and she could see quite a few gaps where Rick's clothes usually hung. She walked over to the dresser and opened a drawer, the one with all his t-shirts that she used to steal. It was empty. She opened all the drawers, and found them similarly bare. She moved to the bathroom, and checked under the sink. All his toiletries and travel gear were gone.

She staggered backwards out of the bathroom, and when the back of her legs touched the bed, she collapsed onto it. Only then did she notice a plain envelope propped against her bedside lamp, her first name written on the front in his firm hand. She reached for it and tore it open, hoping it would quell the butterflies storming around her stomach. Instead, it sent them into overdrive.


	2. The Letter

**Chapter 2 – The letter**

 **A/N: I struggled with this chapter for a long time. It's still not where I want it to be, but it's probably as close as I can get it, and it says all the things I wanted to put in it. Thanks for all the follows and favourites; I am humbled by your interest.**

 _Kate,_

 _The day I met you, my life became extraordinary. You have made the last seven years of my life the best ever. I love you so much, that my heart aches every moment we are apart. These last few weeks without you by my side have been torture._

 _We promised each other that we would be partners in life and crime, but it seems you don't need me as your partner any more. You know, have seen proven, that we are both better together than apart. We are stronger as a team, and we can make anything happen. We caught Coonan, and we put Bracken behind bars. The two of us, together._

 _You asked me if I trust you, and I do. I trust you with my life, and I trust you with my heart, and my daughter. But I do not trust you when it comes to your mother's case. It seems like every time it comes up, you dive down that rabbit hole again, despite all the progress we have made in the last three years. When you disappeared on your first day as Captain, I was devastated and fearful. When we found your bracelet in that pool of blood, I thought my life was ending along with yours. And even though we thought, or maybe just I thought, that your mother's case was finished, closed forever, it came back to haunt us again, and yet again you went down the rabbit hole alone._

 _How can what you are doing now be the best thing for us, when I am miserable, and I can see you area struggling too. Neither of us are sleeping or eating properly – yes Kate, I know your tells, I know when I am not there you forget to look after yourself. I cannot fathom what you are trying to work out, that requires this much sacrifice from both of us. Why won't you let me in?_

 _I have tried to give you space, but it's too hard to stay away. You fell in love with me while we were solving cases together, and I want you to fall in love with me again. But you are deliberately excluding me from the precinct, sending me away when I try to help. You say you love me, and that this separation will end, but I have no timeline, no frame of reference. Your mother's case took thirteen years to solve. Is that how long we are going to be separated for whatever it is you are doing now? Mia told me that you have the hots for me, that she can smell how you feel about me. I don't know if she is telling the truth, or trying to cheer me up so I will leave her alone. I wish her words were true, and sometimes I can still see your love for me in your eyes, but you always look away or shutter your feelings these days and I just don't understand._

 _I can't stay here in the loft any longer; it's empty, hollow without you. I had such great hopes when Mother moved out and Alexis was at college that we could enjoy ourselves without interruptions and fill the loft again with the sound of happy laughter and tiny feet. Now it seems like those sounds will never be heard here again._

 _I am going to honour your request for space, but also give myself space to ease my breaking heart. I love you, Kate, and I said always, and I mean it. But I cannot bear what is happening between us right now, so I am going away. I am leaving New York, because even being in the same city as you, without being able to be near you, is painful._

 _If and when you are ready to come back into this marriage, you will be able to find me – you are an extraordinary detective, after all. But Kate, don't come after me until you are sure you will be staying forever, because there cannot be another chance._

 _Always_

 _Rick_

Her first instinct once she caught her breath was to call him, and she fumbled with her phone out of her pocket before she could press his speed dial. It went straight to voicemail. She tried twice more, and got the same result, but this time, she listened to the message, which he had changed.

 _Hi, this is Rick Castle. I am unreachable at present. Please direct all queries to my publisher, Black Pawn. Thank you._

There was not even the chance for her to leave a message in the hopes that he would hear it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: did you seriously think I could own any of these brilliant characters? Just playing with them for a little while.**

 **A/N: in honour of Castle Fanfic Monday, I am publishing this chapter earlier than intended. Now that I have the letter from Rick published, the rest of the chapters will come out on a more regular schedule. Hope you enjoy :-).**

Kate didn't know how long she sat on the bed, staring into space, trying to come to terms with the bombshell that Rick had just dropped on her. When it was fully dark outside, she knew she must move, so she gathered up more of her clothes, his books, and other things she thought she would need. She deliberately didn't take any of the photos from around the bedroom, and only belatedly realised that Rick hadn't either. The only one missing was an older one of him and Alexis. The knife in her gut twisted again.

When she got back to her SRO, she dropped the new bag next to the old one, and slumped down onto the bed. She was torn between trying to find him right now, to make sure he was OK, or pursuing LOCSAT until it was resolved to make sure he would remain safe. She knew that when he said there would be no other chance, he meant it. He was not one for ultimatums, but she had obviously pushed him far enough that he was thinking about protecting himself and she couldn't really blame him for that. She remembered saying to him on that horrible night when she walked out, that she hoped he could find it in his heart to take her back. It sounded like he could, and would take her back, just one more time. Once again she reminded herself that she did not deserve such a good man, but she would do everything in her power to keep him safe and get back to him as soon as she could.

That knife in her gut was twisting again, knowing that in trying to protect him, she was causing him pain. For Rick, knowing the story was the most important thing, and by leaving him in the dark, she was taking that away from him. Not only that, she was allowing his insecurities full reign in coming up with the worst case scenario – just like after the Boylan Plaza bombing case. She wished there was some way she could reassure him of her love, without giving anything about her investigation away, and putting him in the crosshairs.

Kate sat on the bed for hours, staring at the blank wall opposite with his letter in her hands, her mind running over the last two months, analysing and re-analysing every minute, every decision since she took that phone call from Vikram. She ran through both the conversations she had with Rita, her step-mother. She realised she had never mentioned Rita to Rick. Did he have a right to know about his father's wife? Did she have the right to keep that knowledge from him? These and many more questions rolled through her head, as night became dawn. Her body was exhausted, but her brain would not let her sleep, so she showered, got dressed and went back to the precinct for another day, being no closer to a decision about Rick. Only once she was at her desk again did she realise she had not thought about LOCSAT at all since she left the loft.

Over the next several days, she distracted herself with cases her team was working on. Ryan asked a couple of times where Castle was, but she deflected his questions well enough that he didn't ask again. Esposito just gave her one of his looks, but said nothing. Vikram called daily, but with nothing new to report. All they had was a bunch of dead ends, and a couple of miserable people. Most nights she didn't even leave the precinct, just curled up on the couch in her office. She admitted to herself after a week that she no longer had a home, and no one to go home to. And it was all her own fault. She cried herself to sleep that night.

Two weeks after she found his letter, she decided that moping around and being miserable was just prolonging the time she had to be away from her husband, and she needed to get serious about the investigation so she could end it. She sent a message to Vikram that she would be over that night, so they could review everything they had to date. There had to be a clue they could exploit to move things forward, so she could go back to her husband and start to win his trust back, and repair the damage she had done.

A couple of hours later, while buried in paperwork, she heard a tap on her door, and a welcome voice.

"Hey girl, you ever going to take lunch?" It was Lanie. Right then, Kate decided she was going to apply her new positive attitude to the rest of her life, so she grabbed her purse and jacket, took Lanie by the arm on the way past, and walked her to the elevator.

"Yes, right now, Doctor Parish, and you are going to accompany me" she said with a smile, the first real one she had felt in a long time.

They went to Remy's because they both enjoyed the burgers and shakes, and Kate only had a small frown on her face, remembering all the times she had come here with Rick. But she schooled her features before Lanie could spot it, and sat down in their usual booth. Lanie for her part was very surprised at the changes in Kate, who seemed positive for the first time in months, and hoped this was good news for her friend. She didn't hesitate to ask the most important question as soon as the waitress left with their order.

"So, you look happy and positive for a change. You and Castle back getting your freak on?"

The change in Kate was dramatic and immediate.

No, Lanie, we are not. Rick has gone away for a while, and…." Kate could not continue, she broke into sobs, and hid her face in her hands.

"Oh, honey," Lanie was immediately at her side, putting her arms around her and trying to comfort her friend. She couldn't understand where the woman who had walked out of the precinct with her head held high had gone, but in reviewing what Kate had said, she had a fairly good idea why.

Lanie let her cry it out, and the waitress was considerate enough not to approach until Kate had lifted her head, wiped her cheeks with a napkin and smiled wanly at her. After the food was delivered, there was only silence at the table, with the occasional snuffle that Kate couldn't hold back. Lanie went into doctor mode, and told Kate to take the afternoon off. Kate resisted feebly, but then realised it would do her reputation no good to go back into the precinct with bloodshot red-rimmed eyes, so the two women quietly caught a cab back to Lanie's place.

Over the course of several hours and a bottle of red wine, Kate told Lanie about the letter Rick had left her. She refused to explain why she had left him in the first place, only saying it was dangerous and she was protecting him. Lanie had her own thoughts about that, but as Kate was obviously distressed and worse for wear already, she decided to leave it for the moment. She tucked Kate into her guest bed and told her it was doctor's orders to get at least 10 hours sleep. Kate was out before she closed the bedroom door.

 **A/N: Trolls will not be tolerated. I am happy to accept constructive criticism of this story in your review, but if all you are going to write is negativity about the characters on the show, or how the show runners are doing things, it will be deleted, because that has no relevance to my story.**


	4. Lanie's turn

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them. A/N at end.**

Kate was woken by her phone alarm the next morning, and noticed a couple of messages from Vikram. Only then did she remember she was supposed to meet with him last night. She fired off a quick text confirming she was OK, just something else had come up, and she would reschedule with him soon. Just as she was about to get up and have a shower, Lanie came into the room with a cup of coffee for her, and sat down on the side of the bed. When Kate looked at her face, she knew she was in for a stern talking to.

"OK, girl, I have listened to your side of the story, let you cry on my shoulder, got you drunk and let you sleep it off in my guest bedroom. This morning I went out extra early so I could get you a cup of coffee because no one has the power to face an un-caffeinated Beckett. So now it's my turn, and you are going to sit there and listen."

"I understand you are trying to protect Rick, and that you feel responsible for whatever it is that is going on. I would hazard a guess that it's something to do with your mom's case, because that is the only thing that can take you down the rabbit hole this quickly." She held her hand up when Kate looked like she was about to interject.

"But you are conveniently forgetting some very important facts, and making a grave mistake with your actions. Castle is the reason you solved your mother's case, because he dug into it, yes, without permission, and found the clue that got you Coonan, and eventually Bracken. He has been by your side for seven years now, watching your back, and you have to admit the two of you definitely work better together. And you think you are protecting him and his family by being away from him, but girl, you are part of his family, one of the three most important people in his life! He waited 4 years for you to recognise that he wanted more with you than just a notch in his bedpost. He changed himself, grew up so that he would be the kind of man that deserved to be by your side. He is the best thing that has happened to you, girl, and you know it. How can you push that away, torture both of you, for something that is not going to bring your mother back?"

"You say that you could not live without him, but that is exactly what you are trying to do at the moment. You don't want him to be hurt, because that would end you, but how do you think he would feel if you were hurt, or worse? Especially after you pushed him away, and he wasn't at your side to protect you? You remember how he was when you went undercover? You remember just a couple of months ago when you were abducted by Tyson and Niemann? That man would move heaven and earth for you. He is the only one who can save you from this rabbit hole, and you need to let him, or both of you will lose yourselves, and that evil you are chasing will win."

"Do you remember, before you two got together, you and I spoke about losing the friendship if things didn't work out between you? That holding pattern that you and Castle were in, going nowhere fast? You have put your marriage into that holding pattern, while you go chasing this thing, and you have no idea of how long or how far it's going to go. Are you really willing to live apart for months, years? It took you thirteen years to take down your mother's killer. How long will this take? Do you really think it's fair to ask Castle to wait that long, before you can be his wife again?"

"Oh God no, Lanie!" Kate burst out, finally unable to control herself while tears slid down her cheeks. "It won't take that long. It can't take that long." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself, but Lanie was having none of it.

"How do you know? How can you be sure? And in the meantime, you are making yourself, and Castle, and his family, and all your friends, miserable. Yes, his family, and yes, your friends. We can all see what this is doing to you, and it hurts us too. Not just that you have excluded all of us from whatever this is, but that you are throwing away the progress you have made over the last seven years, and the wonderful miraculous love you have with Castle."

"What should I do, Lanie?"

"You need to surrender whatever this thing is, put it away somewhere you won't ever be tempted to take it up again, and you need to go and get your man back. Then you need to be perfectly honest with him, about exactly what you have been doing, and why. He can help you, but only if you let him in. If you let him slip away, you will absolutely regret it for the rest of your life, I can guarantee it."

"You know, you are absolutely right. While I am chasing this thing, I am definitely not happy, and not living my life. That is not what my mom would have wanted for me. I thought I had put it all behind me when Bracken was put away, and that I could have my happy ever after with Rick. But then this stuff came up, and I willingly gave up my happily ever after because I thought I didn't deserve it until I had put this to rest as well. But by doing that, I was also denying the happy ever after to Rick, and he of all people deserves it, for everything he has been through, and put up with from me especially. This is just another example of me running headlong at something and pushing him away. God, Lanie, why can't I change?" Kate was sobbing again.

"You did change, sweetie, with lots of help from Castle and that therapist. But it's not a one-time fix, it's an ongoing battle, just like any other addiction, and you need to have your best defence – that's Castle, by the way – at your side all the time. You are married now, and there is nothing that either of you should face alone."

"Thanks Lanie, for the bed, and the talk. I am going to hop in the shower, because I do need to go into work today, and then I am going to put away this case, and move back to the loft. Tomorrow I am going to find my husband and bring him back."

"That's my girl!" Lanie gave her a hug then left her to it. She had to get into work as well.

 **A/N: Thanks so much for the follows, favourites and reviews, they are like gold to me, and I appreciate each of them. I will be posting twice a week from now on.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them.**

 **A/N: I am blown away by the support for this story, thanks for all your reviews, follows and favourites. This is a short chapter, but hopefully addresses some of concerns expressed after the previous chapter.**

Kate was only slightly late to the precinct, but was reassured when Ryan and Esposito followed her into her office, and told her they had covered for her when 1PP called. She smiled and thanked them, making sure they could see and hear how much she appreciated their support.

Once she was caught up on the last two days paperwork, she went out to the murder board in the bull pen, and got herself caught up on the details of the boys' latest case. She really missed the hands-on detective work, and made a pledge to be more involved going forward.

The three of them talked through the particulars of the case together, bouncing ideas of each other, and Ryan even came out with a couple of outlandish theories, for which Espo called him Mini Castle. At the mention of her husband's name, Kate's smile became a little forced, which the boys immediately noticed, and Ryan quickly changed the subject.

When the boys left to follow up some new leads, she returned to her office and boxed up the files on Bracken and Simmons she had covertly copied. She couldn't dispose of them just yet, but she sealed them into a box and buried them in the back of her filing cabinet. She knew Vikram was in the precinct this afternoon, filling in as their IT guru while Tori was on leave, so she made an appointment with him for just before shift end.

The rest of the day was spent on more paperwork, and Kate wondered how Montgomery and Gates managed to run the precinct without drowning in administrative overhead. A part of her regretted accepting the Captain's role, for how much it made her desk bound. Her real passion was solving crimes, finding closure for victims' families, and she had been able to do precious little of that in the last couple of months.

Just before the appointment time, Vikram came running down the corridor outside the bullpen, but slowed his steps when he caught sight of Esposito still at his desk. He walked the rest of the way into the Captain's office, knocking only on the way past the door frame. Kate looked up then nodded for him to close the door. Esposito shook his head disgustedly, and went to the break room. He didn't know what was going on between his Captain and the new tech guy, but he didn't like it.

Before Kate could speak, Vikram launched into his findings. There was a hit on the drug signature from Vulcan Simmons' enterprise, but they had a very limited time window to follow it up. The exchange was happening in 95 minutes, on the other side of Manhattan.

Kate hesitated for a moment, remembering her conversation with Lanie and her decision to find Rick and get her marriage back. But maybe this was the lead she was waiting for, that would allow her to bring down LOCSAT, and she could go back to her husband in peace knowing they were safe now. She gathered her things and left the precinct at a run. They planned – well, she planned and Vikram listened – the take-down in her cruiser on the way through traffic. She had dived down the rabbit hole again. Vikram noticed she was unconsciously rubbing her wedding ring finger with her thumb, a new habit she seemed to have picked up just in the last month.

 **A/N2: My posting schedule from now on will be Wednesdays and Sundays, Australian time. The next chapter will therefore be up on the 27th. I wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Nope, still only just playing in the Marlowe/ABC sandpit for a little while.**

 **A/N: Thank you for your continued support of this little story. I have most of it drafted now, so I know exactly where I want to get to. Yes, Kate has gone down the rabbit hole again. Yes, Vikram is her enabler with this addiction. Why? Well, you will have to keep reading**

Kate and Vikram arrived at the scene with just 10 minutes to go before the exchange was supposed to go down, thanks to horrible traffic, so the only option left was to take cover and watch, then follow the participants until Kate could take them down and get some answers. While Virkam was good with the technology, hacking into almost anything, his other skills left a lot to be desired. It was all Kate could do not to cringe when she handed him her backup handgun. Last time he had shot at someone, he was shaking for hours afterwards, but she had no other backup so he would have to do. For a moment she thought of her usual backup team and wished they could have her back. But no, she had to do this so she could protect them. Kate put her Beckett armour on again, and got to work.

From their hidden vantage point they could see three people arrive, first a dark coated man with a black briefcase, then two other, shorter men carrying a duffel bag each. They were not close enough to hear what was said, but the exchange was brief, the tall man taking both duffels in one hand and walking off around the corner. Kate decided he was the better option to follow, as he had brought the drugs, and could be followed to the source.

The takedown did not go to plan. Kate followed the suspect on foot for about six blocks, and cornered him in a blind alley, but being by herself she had not had time to properly case the location beforehand, and suddenly the previously blind alley was now an entryway into a warehouse that held a lot of reinforcements – four extra thugs to be precise. It was too late to back out, so she pushed through.

She was restricted because she wanted at least one alive to answer questions, but the thugs were not similarly encumbered, and were shooting to kill. Kate was lucky there was a fair bit of cover around the left side of the warehouse, and she had been working out furiously the last couple of months. She indicated to Vikram to stay in the doorway, and to take out any of the thugs he could, and he managed to down two of them before his magazine ran dry. In the same time, she managed to shoot another thug in the throat, take down a second with a well-placed head kick, and chase the courier into one of the ground floor offices. She approached the door cautiously, not sure if he had picked up a weapon somewhere, or if indeed he had been armed before, but carrying the drugs and cash as he was, he would have been crazy not to be packing something.

Sure enough, when she moved around the door jamb, a shot whizzed past her head, taking a chunk of the wall opposite. She tried another tactic.

"NYPD! Drop your weapon and put your hands on your head. You know you are trapped, don't make this any harder than it needs to be."

"Where is your backup, Captain?" the man taunted her, and she had a moments panic that he knew who she was, but her armour was still strong.

"They are not far away, but they won't treat with you kindly. I just want some answers, some names and we can forget we ever met."

"Not going to happen, Captain, and you know it. You are once again in over your head, and this time there is no way out."

Another round came out of the office darkness, this time grazing her shoulder, and she let out an involuntary gasp of pain. She could hear movement and thought there may be another way out of the office, so to prevent losing this suspect, she charged into the office firing all around. When she had emptied the first clip, she took cover behind a filing cabinet while she reloaded. As she was momentarily distracted with her weapon in her lap, the suspect's roundhouse kick bounced off her head and sent her gun flying. Another kick to her chest sent her sprawling onto the dirty floor breathless. When she looked up, her assailant stood above her.

"I am not a cop killer, but this is your last chance, Captain Beckett. Leave this alone, or the next time your precious family sees you will be in a coffin." With that, he pointed her own weapon at her, and shot her in the right shoulder, then dropped the weapon and left.

Kate was in a lot of pain, and zoned in and out of consciousness. She was grateful he had not shot to kill, but the cold floor was quickly draining the warmth of her body, and her shoulder bled profusely. An unknown amount of time later, she roused to Vikram gently lifting her, and she helped as much as she could while he half carried her to the car. He drove straight to the ER at Presbyterian. In her last lucid moment, she told him to disappear; she would have enough explaining to do without involving him in it too. She gave her name to the triage nurse, and then blacked out again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own them. Wish I did, and then I could see Nathan every day**

Chapter 7

When she woke the first time, it was to a nurse checking her vitals. She tried to sit up, and immediately pain shot through her right side, almost knocking her unconscious again. The nurse had noticed her aborted movement, and pressed the call button. Shortly thereafter a doctor came into the room, saw Kate's grimace and administered pain killers. She dropped into blackness.

The second time she woke, her dad was sitting in the chair beside her bed, looking greyer than she had ever seen him. He was holding onto her hand, gripping it gently with both of his, like he had to reassure himself she was still there. She tried to speak but her throat was so dry all she got out was a croak. Jim handed her some ice chips to ease her throat. After a few more chips, she nodded to her dad and he put the cup back onto the side table.

"Wh….what happened?" She asked, still not fully cognisant.

"I'm not really sure, Katie. I got the call because they couldn't get hold of your husband. They said you came in around midnight with a bullet wound in your shoulder, bleeding out and almost delirious. They had to operate to remove the bullet and make sure there was no further damage. You've been in recovery for about 5 hours, they didn't want to move you to the ward until you were awake."

"Oh." It was all Kate could say, as more memories came back to her of the last 24 hours. She hoped Vikram had gotten clear; she didn't want anyone else to be caught up in this any longer.

"Katie, why couldn't they get onto Rick? That man has never been more than 3 paces from you for the last seven years. Why suddenly when you are hurt is he not around?" Jim's voice was quiet, but there was something in his tone that made Kate look at him.

"It's not his fault, Dad. He …. I …." She was still under the influence of powerful painkillers, and she didn't even know where to start. No one knew why she had moved out of the loft, and her dad didn't even know that, and she certainly was not up to having that discussion with him right now.

"Dad, I am really tired right now. Do you mind if I go back to sleep? I will tell you all about it, but just not right now."

"OK Katie, OK. You just focus on getting better. I will be here when you wake up."

True to his word, Jim stayed by Kate's bedside most of the day, and the brief conversations they had when she was awake were about ordinary things. He saw one of her partners, Esposito he thought his name was, stick his head in the room, and then go speak to the nurse who had just left. Other than the nurses coming in every two hours to check her vitals, they were left alone. As afternoon darkened to evening he stood up, kissed Kate's forehead and wished her a good night. He was deep in thought as he went home.

Jim Beckett came back the next day, at the start of visiting hours, with the intent to speak to his daughter about her husband. When he turned into the corridor her room was on, he saw her partners Ryan and Esposito standing outside the door looking in. He quietly placed his hand on Ryan's shoulder, and received a wan smile in acknowledgement. Now he could see that Dr. Parish was at Kate's beside, and they were speaking in low tones. He looked back at Ryan and whispered he would be in the café for a while, then walked away. He could see his daughter was about to get another talking to from her colleagues and he figured she would need him after that, but he wasn't about to get in the way of it. Knowing how stubborn she was, she probably deserved it.

Lanie could see that Kate was still in pain from her shoulder, but was determined not to allow her to hide from the conversation they needed to have. Then the boys had their own words to say. Lanie sighed, and started.

"Kate, I am really glad you are OK, but I am so sick of seeing you in a hospital, especially from a gunshot wound. I know you are a cop, honey, but this is way beyond ridiculous for most officers of the NYPD, and you know it. Now, what happened to putting this all away and finding your husband? Pretty sure that is what you told me you were doing when you left my place yesterday morning."

"Vikram had a lead and-" Kate started, trying to glare back at Lanie but with no power behind it with the painkillers.

"Vikram nothing! You need to go and find your husband, which you told me not 48 hours ago you were determined to do, and the first time this stranger dangles a carrot in front of you, you cave and go running down the rabbit hole again! Is there something else going on with this guy?" Lanie's glare and raised eyebrow was lethal to Kate in her condition, and she stammered.

"No, no, God no, Lanie, not at all. I love Rick with all my heart, I couldn't even think of another man ever again."

"Good. "Lanie's eyebrow lowered, but the glare remained. "I can be grateful to him that he texted Ryan about your whereabouts, and they have been able to clean up your latest mess. But don't think they are going to keep covering your ass when you go off half-cocked and abandon everyone who loves you. Now I have to get back to the morgue, and the boys want to have a word. I will catch up with you soon. Get yourself back on your feet and find that man of yours." With that, Lanie walked out of the room. Once she had her back to Kate, her face crumpled, but she knew that only harsh reality would get through to her best friend.

Kate didn't have much time to contemplate Lanie's words because Ryan and Esposito walked into her room and stood at either side of her bed. Their faces were closed off, Espo's a little angry, which she figured she probably deserved.

Esposito started the conversation. "Vikram texted Ryan about your condition, and the location of the shoot-out. We came here first but you were still in surgery, so we checked out the scene. Whoever it was, they cleaned up the site, no cartridges, and no bodies. The only blood was where Vikram said you had laid. I told him to take a few days off. We also filed a report that you were following up a lead from one of our cases, and got ambushed by persons unknown, and that we were your backup but didn't get inside the warehouse fast enough to see anything, only to save you. No, don't say anything Beckett, let me finish." Kate had just lifted a hand but was too weak to do much more, although her face showed her dismay at what she was being told.

"Yes, I know that we falsified a police report, and the Chief of D's will probably have all our badges if we are caught. But if the real story had come out, you would be up against an Internal Review Board, and be suspended at the very least. After going rogue with the AG's guy earlier this year, you may even be facing discharge. Ryan and I" he glanced briefly at his partner, who nodded back, "agreed you were family and we needed to do this to save you from yourself. But we are also here to tell you this is the last time we do this. You have excluded us from whatever you are investigating, left us in the dark and not able to have your back, like we are supposed to. And I am not even going to mention whatever is going on between you and Castle. That is hurting us as well, and while we are not going to pry into your private life, we need to know why our team has been broken up. So when you are back on board, we need to sit down and have a long talk and clear the air, so we can get back to the close teamwork we were famous for, before you took the Captain's chair." With that, he gruffly patted her shoulder and walked out. Ryan smiled a little and patted her arm, whispered "get better soon" then followed his partner. Ryan walked down to the cafeteria and nodded to Jim Beckett that they were done, and then left the hospital.

Kate was stunned silent by the words of both Lanie and Esposito, but she knew they were right. She was dismayed that the boys had covered for her. This was more than an hour or so late to the precinct, this actually put their jobs, their careers on the line for her. She realised that she would do the same for them, in a heartbeat, but it was still hard to accept help from others. She was of course grateful for their help, she could see now that she had risked suspension or worse with her actions of that night. If it had gone her way, she could have covered up the rogue portion, but as it was, without their intervention she would have been high and dry.

Lanie's words had reminded her of the promise she made about putting this investigation aside, and finding her husband, and somehow making this all up to him. But Vikram had offered her the lead, and she had hoped she could finally make inroads in finding LOCSAT and put it to rest once and for all, so her family could be safe. Getting shot was certainly not part of her plan, and would also delay any other activities.

While she was musing, the noise of a trolley down the corridor roused her and she realised it was lunchtime. She decided to have her lunch and save the heavy thinking for when the painkillers had worn off, and her brain was fully operational again.

 **A/N: I am continually amazed and humbled by the follows, favourites and reviews for this story, and gladdened that most of them are so positive and supportive. Whatever you may think of Becketts actions both in canon and fic, she is clearly a damaged personality with many years of negative reinforcement of her habits. These sorts of things are not resolved overnight, or with just one conversation, but can take months or even years on ongoing support and effort. I hope that I can do justice to these issues with my writing. Next chapter will be posted Sunday 3** **rd** **January. Hope you all have a Happy New Year, May 2016 bring you all that you desire.**


	8. Jim's Revelations

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them.**

 **Chapter 8 – Jim's Revelations**

Jim was pleased to see when he walked into Kate's room that she was sitting up and eating.

"Hi Dad" Kate called as soon as she caught sight of him, a small smile appearing on her face.

"Hi Katie. It's good to see you a bit more awake today. How are you feeling?" Jim walked over and sat down next to her bed again.

"Good Dad, good. The pain is lessening, and the doctor said I only need about 6 weeks of physical therapy to get my arm working properly again." Jim grimaced along with his daughter; he knew from prior experience how much she hated PT.

"Well, then, Katie, how about you get comfortable and tell me what is going on that led to you being shot again."

Kate knew the conversation was coming, and while a part of her was hesitant to tell anyone else about it, a part of her was ready to get her dad's advice on the whole mess. She had no idea his advice would change so many things she had taken for granted for so long.

After taking a deep breath, Kate started telling her dad about all the events since her first day as Captain. When she finished, they sat in silence for a while, lost in their own thoughts. Kate reviewed her actions during the botched take-down, going over and over the words the drug mule spoke, trying to make sense of them. She came back to the room to see her dad shaking his head, a frown on his face.

"Katie, I think it's time I told you some hard truths about your mother and I. I had hoped to spare you from this, so as not to sully your memory of her. I know our relationship is still shaky after my problems following her death, so I don't fear for myself in this."

"Dad…" Kate started to say, but for once, her Dad cut her off abruptly.

"No, Katie, don't say anything, just listen. I have stood by and watched you throw yourself down a rabbit hole time and again for your mother's case, and I didn't feel any right to stop you, based on my behaviour after she died. But now I can see that was a mistake, and I intend to remedy that today. Your mother had quite a few of the characteristics of an Obsessive Compulsive personality, but because of her career, many of those character flaws were actually considered assets. I, as you know very well, have a very addictive personality, and the alcohol I turned to is only the latest one. Before that, it was work, and your mother often complained that I spent too many hours at the office. You probably don't remember a lot of those fights, because we took care to shelter you from them. Like most other things in your mother's life, she scheduled our disagreements at a time convenient to her, when you were at school, otherwise out of the house or already asleep. Neither of us are loud people, as you know."

Jim looked at his daughter's face, and saw again the devastated 19 year old she became after that terrible day in January. But he hardened his heart so he could continue the story, and hoped he could at least save one Beckett woman's life.

"Katie, I knew that what your mother was investigating was dangerous, I knew she had received a death threat, even though she kept it from me, under some misguided attempt to protect us." Jim heard Katie gasp, but he continued. "Yes, I said misguided, because you know how that ended. She didn't actually protect us from anything, in fact set us up for over a decade of pain and heartbreak."

"But what I want to stress to you, Katie, is that you have both our diseases, combined and magnified. You have this obsession with justice on your terms, and an addiction to getting answers. Just one of those got your mother killed, and took me closer to death than I had ever been. With both of those traits, you are on a fast track to annihilation."

"You need to understand that you are protecting no one with your behaviour, that the opposite is true. You are destroying the one good thing that has happened to you since Johanna left us, and I don't just mean your marriage. Richard Castle is the one man I have seen stick by you through all this, who helped you solve your mother's murder, who stood by you even after you repeatedly pushed him away and treated him horribly, who opened his heart and his home to you with no expectation of reward or return even before you admitted how you felt about him."

"But he is a fragile man, his heart and soul both. From what you have told me, he was hanging on by his fingernails to the hope that he could win you back. You are his life, his reason for living. You say you are protecting him, but what do you think would happen if you were to be hurt, or heaven forbid, Katie, killed? He would not survive it, and he would go to his grave not knowing what it was that had driven you away."

"But Dad, I told you it wasn't him" Kate tried to interject but he was having none of it.

"Yes, you told me, and apparently you told him. But words mean nothing when your actions are exactly the opposite, to the point where you have driven him away from his home town, his family. Rick has proven to you time and again, over and over that he is your partner, that he has your back, no matter what life throws at you. You told me yourself of the number of times he has saved your life, and you have saved his. But if you are now apart, and in fact you don't know where he is, how can you do that? How can you protect him?"

"You can't, Katie, and what is worse, he doesn't even know that he needs to be careful. He thinks this all ended with the assistant AG, so he could very easily walk into a situation he is not prepared for. Is this what you want? Are you willing to have his blood on your hands?"

"No, dad, that's exactly why I am keeping this away from him, so that his blood is not spilled, so that he and his family are safe." Kate was sobbing now, and her words took a long time to come out. She knew what her dad was trying to tell her, but she was stubborn, and sixteen years of ingrained habit was very hard to break.

"But why can't you understand, Katie, that your actions are doing exactly the opposite? You are messing with people who have no hesitation in killing an entire AG team, can get into and out of a maximum security prison isolation cell to brutally murder a high profile prisoner, and who can send multiple assassins into the streets of New York after you without batting an eyelid. You told me they had already kidnapped Rick and threatened him with death and a bag full of spiders. Next time they won't even bother with the spiders, and you know it. They won't care that he is a best-selling author, or that you are a precinct captain. If you continue to be a threat to them, they will kill the both of you. And what for? It won't bring your team back; it certainly won't bring Bracken back. It will get more people killed, for nothing. Whoever this LOCSAT is, he will never be brought to court, because our government cannot afford to admit the existence of a conspiracy of this nature."

"We got the people that had your mother killed, both the assassin and Bracken. That is where your mother's case needs to end, Katie. Leave it alone, Let your father-in-law and Rita handle it in their way, and go and live the life your mother and I wanted for you."

"I want to, Dad, I really do, but I don't know if I can."

"Of course you can, you just need to apply that stubborn obsessive compulsive addictive personality to becoming a better person, a healthy person. It's going to take a lot of work, and many hours of professional therapy, but you need to have Rick by your side. Be his wife; let him be your husband, your partner in crime and life, as you promised each other in your wedding vows."

Jim could see that Katie was still crying quietly, but her eyes were also drooping. It has been a very emotional day, and she was still not 100%. Of course, if she was, Jim doubted if she would have sat through the last couple of hours, but he really believed she needed to hear all these things, and be receptive to them. He promised to be back the next day at visiting hours, and told her to rest, and accept the pain killers the nurses knew she still should be taking. His mind flashed back to the last time she was shot, and she went up to their family cabin to recover. She was reluctant to take any medication then, too, but this time, he was determined not to let her get away with it. If she was going to get her marriage back, she needed to heal fully physically, and then she could work with Rick on healing emotionally.

 **A/N: Thanks for the continuing support of follows, favourites and reviews. I have been unable to answer each individually, but know that your words and the time you have taken to commit them to virtual paper are precious to me.**

 **I have experience with both OCD and Addiction, but to a great extent each person's experience with these diseases (disorders?) is different. If you or someone you know is experiencing any of the symptoms, please make sure you reach out and get help.**

 **We are getting into the meat of the story now, so the chapters are longer. Next post is Wednesday.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: no, still don't own them.**

 **Chapter 9**

Kate spent a couple of days at her Dad's place when she got out of hospital, at his insistence, because it was easier than arguing with him, and she didn't really want to be alone. What she wanted was her husband, but she had to find him first, and as her Dad kept reminding her, she had to be fully fit and thinking straight when she went after Rick. She had more conversations with her Dad about Johanna, and slowly those aspects of her mother's personality sunk into belief. She already knew all about her Dad's addiction, had been a front row witness to many of its worst manifestations, and with his help she finally admitted that what she had was also an addiction, just as deadly as his if she allowed it to control her.

They also had frank conversations about therapy. Kate knew she would have to go back if she wanted to start to heal, and as soon as possible. If Dr Carter Burke was available, that would be ideal, as he already had a good understanding of her history. If not, she would ask for a recommendation. It was a good thing she still had access to the joint account Rick had set up for them, because she anticipated seeing Dr Burke at least 3-4 times a week, and these sessions would not be covered by the NYPD. In fact she had determined that the greater NYPD would know nothing about these sessions, or what was going on with her personal life. She would tell her team and Lanie, and she would speak to her superiors about taking leave, but that was as far as it needed to go.

Jim shared about his therapy sessions, and the techniques he had learned in AA. Often these conversations would lead to tears and hugs, both of them asking for and granting forgiveness. The father-daughter relationship was repaired and strengthened, for which both Kate and Jim were grateful. Jim was only sad it had to take this sort of trauma to occur.

Kate spent the days while Jim was at work deep in thought. She again relived the conversations she had with Vikram and Rita while she was on the run, and just after Allison Hyde was killed, but this time, she had her father's insight to help her see more clearly. Two things that she herself said to Rita came back to haunt her.

" _I sure as hell am not going to let someone chase me away from the life I worked so hard to create."_

She had been so forceful when she said that, at the safe house Rita took them to, determined to take down LOCSAT as the latest threat to her happily ever after. But just days later, she did exactly the opposite by willingly walking out on that life, even though it hurt like hell and she could see the deep pain she was causing her husband. That one was not as painful, however, as the next one, spoken on the street the night they found Hyde's body.

" _So I have to choose between finding the killer and being with Rick? That is ridiculous!"_

And yet, that is exactly what she had done, and she had made the wrong choice by chasing after LOCSAT. With her father's help she could see that nothing she did would bring Rachel McCord and her team back, but what she was doing was causing damage to the most wonderful thing to ever happen to her. She just hoped that her relationship with Rick could be fixed. She was determined to make amends, finally be the wife he deserved.

For the first time since her mother was murdered, Kate and Jim had Christmas lunch together, although the rest of the day they spent in separate spaces around his apartment, Jim reading and making notes about upcoming cases, Kate thinking about her next steps, and writing a journal. It was something Dr Burke had suggested she do during her last round of therapy, and finally Kate could see the benefit of committing her thoughts to paper. She wasn't sure if she would ever allow Rick to read these notes, but addressed them to him anyway. She hoped they would also allow her to get the words right when she eventually came face to face with him again. The week of her recovery had passed in peace and quiet, and Kate was more than ready to get back to the real world, and put her plans into action.

The first thing Kate did when she returned to the precinct was make another appointment with Dr. Burke. While he was not consulting for the NYPD any longer, he happily took her back on as a past patient. She would ask him about joint sessions with Rick in person, assuming he was willing to come with her – and he was back in New York. The knife twisting in Kate's abdomen was an old friend by now, recurring every time she thought about the fact that she had driven Rick away from his home, his family. Now it was followed by a silent promise to herself that she would bring him back home, whatever it took.

The second thing she did was to bring Ryan and Esposito into her office and talk to them openly and honestly about what she had been doing for the last three months. She expected anger and disbelief, and she could certainly see those emotions on both detectives' faces, but overall what she could discern was support. Not for leaving her marriage, or for shutting her precinct team out, but for admitting her fault and working to fix it. She also knew that the first person she should have told those things to should have been her husband. Talking to her brothers in arms was a rehearsal, allowing her to get the words right. It was critical that she have the right words in the right order for her husband, he was the wordsmith after all.

Only after those two things did she call Vikram into her office. She wanted it to seem casual to outside observers, nothing other than the precinct captain following up with another of her staff, after all, after this meeting, that is the only relationship they would have. She didn't really know Vikram, they had never worked together at the AG's office, and she didn't feel like he belonged in her circle of friends. What he may have wanted didn't even enter her mind.

Vikram walked into her office cautiously, not sure of what was going on. He had noticed a shift in her moods over the last couple of months, and not having known her previously, had no idea what they could mean. Kate wasted no time in coming to the point.

"Vikram, I am shutting our investigation down. We have spent almost 3 months on this, and we are no further ahead than we were the day you called me. Whoever this LOCSAT it, he is too powerful and well protected for us to identify him, without setting off red flags that will have him coming after us, and my precinct family. I don't want that to happen to either of us, so I am choosing to walk away, and live my life. I hope you can do the same. You have a job here, and I can make it permanent if that is what you want. What do you say?"

"Beckett, I…." it seemed that Vikram was speechless for a moment, but then he continued." I think that is a great idea, and I am with you 100%. I am not badass like you, or your husband, and I was petrified every second that it would be my last. But while ever you were willing to push on, I felt I owed it to you to continue as well. I am more than happy to drop it all, and not look back."

Kate, who had been smiling since the reference to her badass husband, nodded.

"Good. We will speak no more of this. Goodnight, Vikram." When he left her office, she breathed a huge sigh of relief, then packed up her desk, secured all the cabinets and files, and drove to her accommodation. There she packed up everything she had brought over from the loft, cramming it into her two bags, plus an extra grocery bag she had acquired, and walked out without looking back.

When she let herself into the loft this time, it still felt empty, but not abandoned. She turned on all the lights downstairs, filled and turned the coffee machine on, then walked through to the bedroom and unpacked all her things, restoring them into their places. With each piece, she could feel a little bit more hope bloom in her chest. She tucked the two bags into the very back corner of the closet, where she couldn't even see them.

While she had her coffee – still not as good as Rick made it, but much better than what she had been drinking for 3 months – she continued writing in her journal. While it would never make any bestseller list, it was straight from her heart. She didn't hold anything back; she didn't hesitate in phrasing things correctly, just allowed the words to flow. Once the coffee was gone and her hand started to cramp from gripping the pen so tight, she put the journal back in her bag and took out her list of tasks again. Bracing herself for what was to come; she picked up her phone and called a familiar number.

"Hi Alexis" She wasn't sure what sort of reception she would get from her step-daughter, but was determined to be upbeat.

"Hi Kate, what can I do for you?" Alexis sounded normal, if a little distant. Kate couldn't fault her for that.

"I was hoping you could tell me where your dad was, or at least get a message to him for me"

"No."

 **A/N: like the rest of the authors on FFnet, I can't see any reviews that have been left since December 31. I do get email notifications, and I thank you so much for those, and also those wonderful readers who have gone the extra step to send me a PM. Hopefully things will be back to normal soon and I can respond to each of you individually.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own anything. Someone want to give me the winning lottery numbers?**

 **A/N: This is a long chapter, partly to make up for the shocker I left the last chapter on – sorry, cant resist a good cliffy once in a while – and partly because there was no good place to cut this in half. There is a much longer A/N at the end, discussing some of the things I have received in guest reviews. Thank goodness the reviews are back to normal now, so I can respond directly.**

 **Chapter 10**

" _Hi Alexis" She wasn't sure what sort of reception she would get from her step-daughter, but was determined to be upbeat._

" _Hi Kate, what can I do for you?" Alexis sounded normal, if a little distant. Kate couldn't fault her for that._

" _I was hoping you could tell me where your dad was, or at least get a message to him for me"_

" _No."_

For a moment Kate was so shocked by Alexis' response that she couldn't speak. Alexis must have correctly interpreted her silence, because she continued.

"I am not going to tell you where Dad is, and I am not going to be your go-between. Dad told you to find him yourself, but only when you were ready to fully commit to your marriage." Alexis sounded very grown up, but clearly still very protective of her father.

"He told you what he said to me?" Kate asked, stupidly, the answer self-evident from the last comment. She wished she could start this conversation again, and hoped she didn't mess this up so badly there was no way back.

"Yes, of course he told me what he wrote in that letter. I knew what he was doing before you did. You should know he doesn't keep many things from me, certainly not since he acknowledged that I am an adult now. And while you say that you love him, and don't want a divorce, I don't think you understand just how much you hurt him with your actions. I don't think anything less than a bullet to the heart could have damaged him more than you leaving without explanations." Alexis knew she was being harsh, but was determined that her step-mother understand exactly what she had done, best intentions or not.

The reference to a bullet in the heart had the desired effect on Kate, just as Alexis knew it would. The Kate of three months ago would have come straight back with the fact she was protecting him from exactly that outcome, but the Kate of today knew that was not the case, and she wasted no time in reassuring Alexis.

"I know, Alexis, and if I could go back in time I would do things so differently. Your father means the world to me, and I could not image my life without him. Unfortunately my knee jerk reactions have not been the best decisions for me or us, and I recognise that now. Furthermore, I want to make amends for my actions and make sure something like this never happens again. For that, I know now that I need your father by my side, and that has become my sole mission now, to get back to that."

"Well, I am glad to hear that, Kate, but I am still not going to help you find him. You need to prove that you really want this, to be with him, to be his wife. My dad has been hurt more than enough by people who said they love him." Alexis didn't mention his ex-wives names, but she didn't have to, Kate knew exactly who she was talking about, and was determined more than ever to not end up like them.

"I understand, Alexis. I will do everything in my power to find Rick and show him just how much I love him, how much he means to me. I will spend the rest of my life showing him, and being the best wife to him that I can be, because it's the least that he deserves from me. And I also want to show you, Alexis that you are very important to me, not just as my step-daughter, but as someone I am very proud to call a friend. I hope someday I can also earn your trust again."

"Go find him, Kate, and bring him back home." With these last words, Alexis ended the call, but Kate did not feel slighted. Instead, she breathed a sigh of relief that she had his daughter's blessing to save her marriage. All she wanted now was what was best for Rick, and if that happened to be Kate staying out of his life, then she would make her peace with that somehow. But now that would not be required, and she felt newly energised to reconcile with her husband.

She also called Martha, and left a message that she would love to meet, at her convenience. It was time to put her family first. She sent one more text message, requesting a meeting with Deputy Director Gates as soon as possible, before retiring for the night. Even in the empty bed, she slept almost as well as the last time she slept in the loft, and an order of magnitude better than what she had been calling sleep for the last three months.

Kate felt oddly refreshed when she woke the next morning, because even though Rick wasn't there, she was surrounded by their things, and she was confident they would soon be together again. She enjoyed the familiarity of getting ready for work on the loft, a couple of times almost turning to say something to Rick before she remembered again that he wasn't there. But instead of regret, she was filled with anticipation.

There was a message waiting for her when she got to the precinct, and so after making sure everyone was doing their jobs, she headed over to 1PP. She was ushered straight into DC Gates' office, and the door closed behind her. Unlike when Victoria Gates was the Captain of the 12th precinct, she didn't stand on ceremony this time, and waved Kate over to a chair.

"So, tell me, Kate, what was so urgent you had to text me at 10pm at night for an ASAP meeting? Anything to do with that little off-the-books investigation you have been running lately?" Kate was too stunned to answer. Did anyone else know about that? Before she could reply, Gates continued.

"No, don't worry, it's not common knowledge, but I know you, and your team. Something has been bothering you these last few months, and Ryan and Esposito have never been very good at hiding things from me. You haven't yet crossed the line where I officially need to take notice, but you are skating very close to it, especially after your disastrous first two days as Captain. So tell me, what are you up to?"

"Well, Sir, I…" Kate hesitated, not because she didn't want to answer the question, but because she wasn't sure how to begin. She took a deep breath, and started again.

"It all has to do with those disastrous two days, and the even bigger disaster the last three months have turned into, and the only one I can blame is myself." Kate nodded at Gates' raised eyebrow, and then proceeded to lay out the facts of the case, and her actions at both work and home. At the end she also made a request that shocked her old Captain, but then she nodded in understanding. When Kate became quiet, Gates' called her secretary in for some refreshments, and they sipped cold water in silence for a few minutes. Then Gates spoke.

"Well, it's definitely a mess, but it sounds like you have finally come to your senses. I regret that it took this long, and the hurt you have caused your family. You may think I was never a fan of Mr Castle, but I could see very quickly that you two worked better together, and he was good for you, kept you grounded. I can understand why you made this request, and although part of me rails against it, I think you have made the right choice. I will arrange things at my end; you go what you need to do. And good luck, Kate." Victoria Gates stood when Kate did, walked around her desk and clasped hands with her, and then walked her out.

Kate returned to the precinct in time to get a message on her phone inviting her to lunch with Martha, so she checked in with Ryan and Esposito, then headed out again. The café was only a few blocks from the precinct so she decided to walk, rehearsing what she would say to her mother-in-law in her mind. When she arrived and was shown to the table, however, all those carefully rehearsed lines went out of her head when Martha jumped up from the table and wrapped her in a hug. It took some getting used to, when she first found out the Castle clan were huggers, because other than her Dad and the occasional boyfriend, she hadn't really been tactile with anyone. The Castle clan were all very tactile people, touching and hugging and expressing their feelings in very dramatic fashion. Now she relaxed into Martha's embrace and wrapped her slender arms around the older woman, returning the hug and the sentiment behind it in equal measure.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me Martha" Kate began as she pulled back in preparation for sitting down to lunch.

"Nonsense, darling, it's my pleasure. I have missed you, Katherine" Martha stated, while looking her straight in the eye.

"Oh, I have missed you too, Martha. You are the closest thing to a mother I have had in a very long time." Kate had tears in her eyes as they separated and took their seats. The menus were already on the table, so Martha looked down at hers to allow Kate a moment to compose herself, but her heart leapt at the inherent complement in Kate's admission. Once they had both ordered, they were left again in their little bubble, and Kate was ready to speak.

"Martha, I know I have hurt Rick and Alexis and you, and for that I am truly sorry. If I had a chance to re-do the last three months I would do things very differently. But I want you to know that I love your son so very much, and the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him or his family."

"I can see that Kate, but you are also part of this family, and I know this has hurt you too. Do you remember what we spoke about when I came to the precinct? I told you to be honest with yourself, and then be honest with your husband. Are you ready to do that now?"

"Yes Martha, I am. I have thought long and hard about what is important to me, and discovered a few things about myself that were hard to face. But my place is with Rick, being the best wife to him I can be, and everything else comes second to that. I have taken leave from the precinct, and will be dedicating all my time to finding him and bringing him back to his home, his family, and I hope that I can repair the damage I have done to our marriage. I also hope that someday you and Alexis can forgive me for the hurt I have caused you all."

"I know from Alexis that you are trying to find Rick, and I have to agree with her that we will not interfere with his wishes. I had told him a little while ago that a little break between you would be good for both, but that things would eventually work out for the best. I am glad to see that you are willing to put in the work to get back to him. I have to be honest with you Kate, I don't know exactly where he is, only that he tells me he is safe, and he keeps in regular touch with Alexis. You are an extraordinary detective, and I have faith that you will find him. As for winning his forgiveness, I think my son loves you so much that he can forgive most things – you know the history of his first two marriages, so you know what he won't forgive – but I don't think that will be a problem for you. All I ask is that you show him how much you love him, and how you will fight for the two of you together. He has been fighting for the two of you for a long time now."

"Yes, he has, and I am so truly grateful for it, and you are right, it is my turn to show the same dedication to our relationship. Also, I need him with me to fight my own internal demons, so these things don't happen again."

Martha was glad to see the determination in Kate's eyes, both to find her husband but also to get herself better. Martha knew that Johanna's death had affected Kate in many ways, some that Kate was only recently becoming fully aware of, something else that she had said to her son when they spoke in the PI's office.

Lunch being finished, Kate settled the bill despite Martha's protests, and then they collected their coats and walked outside arm in arm. Martha's parting words very similar to those from Alexis.

"Find Rick and bring him home, Kate. All his family needs him."

 **A/N2: I had some interesting guest reviews over the last little while, and while some of them I just ignore, some do require some sort of response.**

 **To be clear, the ones I ignore are the ones that say things like – she doesn't deserve Castle, I hope she has to grovel and beg, she deserved worse. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I don't agree with those, so I disregard them.**

 **One guest wrote the following (paraphrased, you can read the full review left on Jan 4 on chapter 8): in the process of saving Kate, Rick is killing himself. Dealing with OCD and addiction, the life of the caretaker is over once they commit to loving the sufferer. They gave their lives away to someone who was never deserving of the sacrifice, and the worst is the addict is too self involved to ever recognise or appreciate it at all.**

 **First, I am very sad for this guest to have witnessed or experienced this, but I don't believe that a human being suffering from an addiction or a disorder is not deserving of all the help they can get. Specifically, Kate did not ask for these things, the inheritance of genes from her family, and the fact of her mother's murder at such a young and vulnerable age for Kate, along with the deliberate cover-up involved in it, were all thrust upon her. She had some counselling for that, and after her shooting, but I think like all people she thought she wouldn't need it or benefit from it and finished as soon as possible. The fact that she went back to Burke after she was cleared for work shows some recognition that she needs help, but many people think as soon as they are happy, there is no need for more. I think it's great that Kate has Rick, who is a selfless, loving man capable of so much support to help her through this. Any sort of disease requires the sufferer to have a strong support network otherwise the battle can be too hard and self harm may occur. Yes, we know from canon that Kate has pushed Rick away a number of times when he was trying to help, not recognising earlier on that she needed his help, BUT that was a learned response from her early life – she could rely on no one else, everyone else left. It would be very hard to trust someone, especially with his track record on the surface, when you have experienced that abandonment. Going back to a general discussion of addicts and OCD sufferers for a moment, and them being self-involved, there does need to be an awakening for the person to recognise their situation and seek help. Sometimes this awakening can be a life threatening event – hanging off the side of a building, or being shot perhaps – but I think it always involves trauma and high emotions. The caregivers may need to stage an intervention, or threaten to abandon them – I think Kate did this with her father then his alcoholism was severe – but I would never suggest or condone actual abandonment.**

 **Onto slightly lighter topics, in my story Kate is NOT over her addition or OCD, but she has had a wakeup call and is acting positively following it. She has also had some hard truths told to her about herself and her family, and is much more cognisant of her mental state. She will absolutely need ongoing therapy for many years, and Rick by her side supporting her, to succeed in keeping the demons controlled. What happens if this case comes up again? You will need to keep reading**

 **As for poor Vikram – lots of people don't like him for some reason. I get that, and his role in this story has been ambiguous so far, that is deliberate. Someone commented that he seemed to give up too easily, and again my response is, you will need to keep reading lol.**

 **Thanks so much for all your support for this story, I really enjoy reading both reviews and PM's and engaging with fellow fans of the show. Next chapter will be up on Wednesday, and my intent at this point is to have the story finished before the show comes back 1 February.**

 **M**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

 **CHAPTER 11**

After lunch, she returned to the precinct and checked in with her detectives again. She also invited Lanie, Ryan and Esposito to the Old Haunt that evening for drinks, asking Ryan to bring Jenny as well. She spent the rest of the afternoon on paperwork, finalising her reports for 1PP and filling in the documents Gates told her she would need. She received an email mid-afternoon identifying her replacement, so she made sure her notes were in order for a morning briefing the next day. She waved the boys out at 5pm, and told them she would see them in a couple of hours. While she waited for the rest of the day shift to leave, she packed up her office, removing all traces of herself, photos and mementoes, only feeling a slight twinge of regret. What she was working towards was much more important to her than what she was leaving behind.

When the bullpen was deserted, she pulled the Bracken and Simmonds files out of their hiding places and put every single piece through the industrial shredder in the archives room. She did not feel any regret as she watched the files disappear into the metal maw, rather with each piece destroyed she could feel a weight lifting from her soul. Now she just needed to banish her personal demons with the help of Dr Burke, and eventually, her husband.

It was cold and windy when she stepped out of the precinct just before 7, and she caught a cab to the haunt. She reviewed what she wanted to say to her friends, knowing that they boys would already have updated Lanie and Jenny on her conversation with them the day before. When the cab pulled up out the front, she took a deep breath and walked into her husband's pub with renewed confidence.

Brian was the first to spot her, and he called out a greeting. She went to the bar to order herself a drink, and make sure he knew that her friend's drinks tonight were on the house. Brian was glad to see her, and asked after Rick. Kate just smiled and told him he was well, and would be back soon. Then she walked over to their usual table, where the four people of her extended family were waiting.

Lanie was the first to notice her as she walked over to the booth, and gave her a smile. She nudged Espo who actually stood up to greet her. Once hugs all around were complete, they sat back down again, and four pairs of eyes looked to Kate with anticipation.

"Thanks for coming, guys. I won't keep you long, I know Sarah Grace is with the sitter, Jenny. Kevin and Javier already know some of this, but for the benefit of the ladies, I will give you the short version." Kate looked again in the eyes of Ryan and Esposito, saw on support, so she took a deep breath and continued.

"The current situation goes back to my first day as Captain of the 12th precinct. I actually got a call before I went into work that morning, from an agent of the Attorney General's department, where I used to work when I went to D.C. I didn't work personally with this guy, but he mentioned my team and gave me a top secret code which basically means his life, and mine, were in immediate danger. I didn't tell Rick but I went to meet him, and then went on the run with this guy – Vikram, who now works in the precinct as our Technical Consultant while Tori is on leave."

"A lot of things happened in the next two days, but the outcome was that the team that was sent to kill us was apprehended, and the leader of the cell was found dead. I found out, however, that the dead person was just a scapegoat to stop us investigating further. I made the decision on my own that with Vikram's help I would track down the real leader of the group, who was the silent partner of ex-Senator William Bracken in the drug business that was the cause of my mother's death, and bring him to justice. Because I wanted to protect my family, and Rick, I moved out of the loft and pretended we were separated so that they would not become a target due to my investigation. I didn't tell Rick any of this, at the time, or since." By this time, there were silent tears running down Kate's face, but she stopped and looked at her friends for a response.

Lanie was shaking her head through her tears, and was the first to speak. Kate expected her voice and manner to be accusatory. Of course Lanie already knew some of the story, and also knew that what Kate needed now was support so she kept her voice soft. "How could you do this to Rick after all that he has done for you, keeping him in the dark and pushing him away while you put your trust in a complete stranger?"

"Because I am screwed up, Lanie, and I have fallen down that rabbit hole that always claims me when my mother's case comes up. And I thought I was protecting Rick by staying away from him, but I decided not to tell him because you all know how he gets when there is a mystery; he worms himself into every investigation and if that had happened with this, he would be dead."

Esposito spoke next. "What I don't understand Beckett is you know that when Allison Hyde took the fall, that could have been the end of it, and no one would have been threatened at all. So why couldn't you just leave it alone? Or why didn't you ask for our help? Do you know anything about Vikram? How do you know he is not leading you on?" Esposito definitely didn't like Vikram and it was showing in his tone of voice and the frown on his face.

"Espo, it was a stupid decision, and you are right, I trusted a total stranger – two if you count Rita – over my husband and my own team. For that, I am deeply sorry, and I want to make amends. But other than re-hashing the past, I also wanted to tell you what my plans are going forward and ask for your help. Rick left me a letter when I went to pick up more things from the loft. He has left town and gone somewhere away from here, so he doesn't have to be reminded of us everywhere he goes" Jenny sucked in a deep breath, and Ryan's eyes darted to Espo then back to Kate with this revelation," but he told me that when I was ready to be his wife full time, for good, I could find him. He still wants our always, and so do I. I just hope I can find him and prove it to him."

"To that end, I have resigned as Captain of the 12th precinct, and taken indefinite leave from the NYPD. My sole task will be to find Rick and convince him to come back home, so I can save my marriage, and he can help me battle my demons. My father said that I would always have the addiction to justice, but that Rick by my side would help me fight the compulsion to do it at the cost of my life, just like he has done since we got together, and before if I want to be honest. I have moved back to the loft, and that will be my base of operations to find my husband and repair my marriage. I only ask that you help me to stay strong until I can be by his side again, please."

She looked each of her friends directly in the eye, and they all had tears, but they all nodded without hesitation. Lanie reached out and clasped her hand, followed by Jenny and then Kevin. Espo placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze in support.

"Chica, a somewhat world famous mystery writer can't be that hard to find, surely? We will help you no problems." The smile on Esposito's face was contagious and soon they were all smiling, humour slightly restored by his quip.

"Thanks, guys, I really appreciate your support, and let me say again how sorry I am that I locked you out and treated you so poorly the last three months. I hope that I can make it up to you over the next little while. I know I hurt a lot of people with my actions, and I have a lot to repair. Now, I have told Brian all your drinks are on the house, so feel free to hang around as long as you want. I am going downstairs to have a look around Rick's office and see if I can find some clues to his whereabouts."

Kate excused herself from the table, and waved to Brian on the way to the secret stairs to the downstairs office to deliver another round of drinks to her table. Then she walked down to Rick's office and closed the door behind her. Once she was seated on the couch, however, she let go of all the emotion she had been holding in upstairs and cried, wishing Rick was there to hold her. She really needed her husband by her side, and she didn't realise or acknowledge how much until he wasn't there. That was a hard lesson to learn, but she took it to heart now.

Back upstairs, the four friends were looking at each other, wondering who would speak first. Ryan took the bull by the horns and asked "Wonder who our new captain will be?" to which Espo slapped his arm in frustration.

"Man, our sister just bared her soul to us, and all you can think about is who the new Captain will be? I don't really care; we will make do whoever it is. But it will be so different with Beckett not being there, that is for sure. The last three months have been really strange without Castle there, now we will have neither one of them for who knows how long."

"Javier, stop feeling sorry for yourself," Lanie interrupted, "There are more important things we should be talking about. Obviously Kate is happy for us to help her find Rick, and you two are in the best place to do that with the resources of the precinct. Jenny, you and I, and of course Sarah Grace, will make sure she stays strong emotionally until writer boy can take over that role again. I worry that even though she says she has put this investigation to the side, something may come up that will distract her again. And on that note, Kevin, you and Javier need to make sure that Vikram stays away from her unless it is precinct business. I don't trust that guy as far as I can throw him!"

They all agreed on Lanie's action plan. When the latest round of drinks were finished, Kevin and Jenny headed home and Espo offered to drive Lanie home. She declined, wanting to speak to Kate again without other ears so she waved him off.

Kate heard the secret door open, and knew that Lanie was coming to talk to her. She had not had any success finding hints of where Rick could have gone, as all the records stored here were just for the bar. All the information about his other properties was probably in the loft safe, or with his lawyer. She made a mental note to speak to them the next day, and smiled as Lanie came to the bottom of the stairs.

"Right, girl, now that we are alone, you can tell me the whole story, and how you actually intend to track down writer boy. I know there is more you weren't saying upstairs!"

 **A/N: I have had some comments that there seems to be no urgency in Kate's actions, she is not in a hurry to find her husband. I have written her to be methodical, ticking off a list of things she needs to get done before she can devote all her time and attention to the search. Also, at this point she thinks the search won't take that long, and won't be particularly difficult for her.**

 **The second point I would like to address is questions about why her finding Rick is so important, like he is kidnapped or something. In my story, her finding him will be the start of her repair of their relationship, so it's the first major step in reclaiming their always. Martha especially wants them to get back to their happy place, so she is keen for Kate to find Rick and get started on that. Alexis is of course missing her Dad, and knows he is miserable being separated from Kate, even though it's currently self-inflicted for a higher purpose. There is a chapter coming soon with Rick's POV where we find out where he is.**

 **Thank you again and still for reading, following and favouriting, and sharing your thoughts in reviews. I do read all reviews, even guest ones that I don't agree with, I just don't take them to heart. The only ones I really disregard – and delete – are genuine trolls, and I have been very lucky so far not to have experienced many of those.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; just enjoy playing with them for a little while. Is hiatus over yet?**

 **CHAPTER 12**

Kate smiled at her friend. Trust her to pick up on the things she didn't say, and hold her accountable for them. She had a moment's dismay thinking back to the fact that she blocked Lanie out of her life the last three months too, and then was instantly grateful that her friend was still here for her.

"Well, Lanie, I didn't think it was necessary to spell out that I was going back to therapy with Dr Burke for my little problem, or that I worry about Rick's reaction once I do find him."

Lanie was quick to reassure her. "Fair enough about the therapy, but I think we are all friends of yours and would not think any less of you, in fact it pleases me that you are doing that straight away. Have you seen him yet?"

"No, I have my first appointment tomorrow, after I do the final handover to the new Captain. I will keep going as regularly as he thinks necessary, and I hope when I find Rick and bring him back, we can go together, or go to some other form of counselling as a couple. I know that I have done a lot of damage to my marriage in the last three months and I need all the help I can get in fixing it."

"OK, that is a good idea, but how does Castle feel about therapy? And what do you mean you worry about his reaction? That man loves you and has loved you for a very long time. He will be happy you found him like he asked you to, and wrap you up in his arms and kiss you senseless!"

"No, I don't think so, Lanie. I really hurt him this time. Think about how bad things must have been for him, to have left his home, his mother, _his daughter_ , and go away out of contact to try to heal. I know he stays in touch with her, but still, you remember he could hardly go a day without at least talking to her throughout her childhood and teens. That will not be fixed by a hug, I think I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. I just hope he lets me."

"I am sure it will work out in the end, Kate, as long as you are committed to doing this with him. Now, why don't you go home and get some rest, you have a busy day tomorrow, and from what I remember of you after your therapy sessions, it will be emotionally draining as well."

With that, the two friends walked back upstairs, flagged down a cab each and went home. Kate lay awake for quite a while, thinking over what Lanie had said.

Over her morning coffee Kate reviewed what she remembered about the properties that Rick owned, or had shares in. There was the loft and the Hamptons house, of course, but he was at neither of those places. Well, she was pretty sure he wouldn't go to the Hamptons, as that was too easy. But she would still drive out and have a look around, being off-season he would be more likely to be noticed if he was around there.

She knew he also owned a bungalow in Colorado, although she didn't know the exact location. Rick had told her about it before they were married, when they were discussing what she was going to be part owner of, but they had not taken time to visit yet. His lawyers would have that information. Thinking about it now, she also thought he may not have been keen to visit another cabin with her, after her retreat to her parents' cabin following her shooting. She couldn't think of any other properties he owned, so she moved to the next thing on her list – where else he may be. These thoughts were cut short when her alarm reminded her she had the handover at the precinct.

When she arrived at the 12th, she nodded to those who she saw on the way up to the Homicide bull pen, but didn't linger to chat. The rumour mill had already deduced she was taking leave, so there was no surprise when Captain Jake Anderson was shown to her office just after she arrived. She acknowledged Ryan and Esposito's nods, then closed her office door, and began briefing Captain Anderson on her precinct.

The briefing took a little over 90 minutes, and concluded with a walk around introducing him to his new staff. Kate had already given him an overview of key team members and their personalities, to which he listened attentively. She hoped he would take good care of the team. Esposito and Ryan were serious and professional, and she made sure to sing their praises in private and public. She made sure to introduce Vikram with the same tone of voice as every other staff member, and dismissed him just as quickly as they moved down to Robbery. Once the tour was done, she walked him back to her office and left him there. She said a quick farewell to the boys, and left the precinct quietly. She wasn't in the mood for any big gestures. As far as they all knew, she was just taking some extended leave, and that was exactly how she wanted to leave it for now.

From the precinct, she went straight to Dr Burke's office, making a call to the Castle family lawyers on the way and making an appointment for later that afternoon. Then she braced herself for the emotional turmoil to come. She knew this was the best course, and that she needed Burke's help to start controlling her addiction, but it really felt like a giant step backwards to be speaking to him about 'fixing' herself again.

Dr Burke was his usual placid self when she was shown into his office, greeting her like they had just parted last week. Just his smooth voice was enough to refocus her on her purpose here, so when he asked what she wanted to talk about, she didn't even hesitate to open up. Unlike the first time she came to see him, she did not hold anything back. He listened without comment, and took some notes while she spoke, then offered her a bottle of water. When she had finished her drink and put the bottle down, he finally spoke.

"Well, that is certainly an eventful three months Kate. I am glad I blocked out a double appointment for you as per your request. We have about 10 minutes left, so please tell me what it is you want to achieve in our sessions long term."

Kate let a small smile grace her face, and then spoke "well, I would say I want to be better, to be more than what I am, but I have used that line before in this very room, and it wasn't enough. I need to get a handle on my addiction and obsessive compulsive behaviour, so I don't do anything else destructive to myself and my loved ones. I know that these will both stay with me for life, so I need to know how to control them. I also know that Rick has been a large part of helping me for the last few years, and once I find him I would like to have joint sessions if possible."

"We can certainly do that Kate, if he is willing. I would also suggest some sessions for just him alone, to work through his thoughts on the events and make sure he can accept them."

Kate looked alarmed at this, so Burke continued. "Remember Kate, he has his own view of what has happened these last three months, and even when you tell him your side, he will have his memories and resulting thoughts. He needs to feel comfortable discussing them without you being present, or he may not be totally honest in your joint sessions. It is a standard procedure in couples counselling."

"Now, in terms of your sessions, while this is not an emergency situation, I do want to get started on arming you with tools to get better as soon as possible, so I will ask to see you three times a week. My receptionist will make the appointments for you, so see her on your way out. As much as possible, we will work around your schedule; you know I can do early morning or evening appointments."

"Thanks Dr Burke, but hopefully that won't be necessary. Unless I am out of the city going after Rick, I will be available any time. This is the most important thing to me right now."

"I am glad to see your commitment Kate, and I know you will give it the same effort you did the last time you were here. I will see you in two days."

After making appointments for the next two weeks, she left the office and caught a cab uptown to the legal firm Castle had used for all his business for over a decade. The staff was unfailingly nice, giving her the address for his bungalow, and confirming that there were no other properties owned, although there were investments in some boutique hotels on the west coast. They also gave her the contact details for the caretakers, as they held the keys and would prepare it for occupation as required. The senior partner then took her into his office for a private briefing.

"Mrs Castle, Mr Castle left some instructions with me to pass onto you before he left. He wanted me to reassure you that all the property has been transferred into both your names, and he has also authorised funding of an extra 1 million dollars into the joint bank account, to cover any expenses for you while he was out of contact. If you could please sign this document to verify that I have given you the notification, you can get on with your day."

Kate was stunned. Even when he was hurting, hiding himself away and licking his wounds, he thought of her and made sure she was looked after. He really was a perfect husband and she didn't deserve him. But she was determined to earn him from now onwards, for the rest of their lives. She thanked him and made her way back to the loft.

Kate's ears should have been burning, as she was currently the subject of a phone call between a dorm room at Columbia and a burner phone somewhere out westwards.

"So she called me and asked if I could tell her where you were, or pass you a message, and I said no. She was a little taken aback at first, and I explained to her that you had shown me the letter and told me not to help her, that she had to prove she wanted to come back to you. She sounded genuinely sorry for what she has put you through, and her lunch with Grams convinced at least her that she is serious about fixing your marriage."

"Thanks Alexis, I hope that wasn't too hard for you. I appreciate this situation is not easy for you either, and if I could I would be with you now, but I just can't be in New York right now."

"I know, Dad, and I miss you, but I think this is important. I asked you to trust her when she disappeared, and I do believe she loves you and that she thinks she was protecting you, but she can't just go running off when something involving her mother's case comes up. I believe you love her, and want to spend the rest of your life with her, and she needs to make that same commitment to you for that to have any chance of happening."

"When did you get to be so wise, pumpkin?" Rick Castle asked, being so proud of his adult daughter for looking at this situation in a sensible and calm manner. He really did want forever together with Beckett, but the truth was she had to want it just as much otherwise it would never work. She needed to stop tilting at windmills, and while he never wanted her to be happy to be 'just' Mrs Castle, she needed to find more peaceful pastimes.

"When I had a 9 year old on a sugar rush to raise." Alexis joked. That was a phrase she had learned from Kate, and had to concede it did apply to her dad, especially when Kate first met him. But Kate had been really good for her dad; he had finally grown up and become the man she could always see in him. Neither Meredith nor Gina had inspired him to do that, and for that alone Kate deserved a little support. Alexis, despite her sheltered life, had seen addiction and mental disorders and knew that Kate's life had given her more than enough reason to suffer at least one of them. Now it was up to her to seek help to try and overcome them, and live a happy life with her husband. Alexis hoped that one day a man would love her as much as her dad loved Kate Beckett.

"Alright, dad, I have a tutorial to get to. Let me know when you are going to call again and I will make sure I am free."

"Sure will, love you, Pumpkin."

"Love you Dad, stay safe."


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: The characters are owned by the wonderful Andrew and Terri, and the not so wonderful ABC. I just like to take them out for a walk around sometimes…**

 **Chapter 13**

Kate awoke early the next morning, ready to get stuck into the search for Rick. First she checked the safe in his office, to check the contents. She was reassured that their passports were still in there, but she also found all his credit cards, including the Black American Express. He must have some other means of paying for things if all his charge cards were still here. Of course, she thought, he had learned enough in their years together that the first search the police did was a financial trace, which would often identify where a person had recently been, and may also be. She realised that this search was not going to be as easy as just running his financials and turning up at his hotel, but decided to ask the boys to run one anyway, finding out where and how much cash he had withdrawn may give her some clues.

She next called the caretakers for the Colorado residence, and left a message for them to call her back. It was only just 8 am there, so she didn't expect a response for a couple of hours.

Then she sat down and made dot points of all the things that Rick enjoyed, and the likely sorts of places he would spend time in. As she scoured her memories, she remembered a conversation she had with Meredith before her and Rick were married, and other than a momentary pang of shame for almost letting that ruin their relationship before it really began, she smiled because she certainly knew more about Rick than Meredith ever did. Of course, she also cared a lot more than she thought Meredith would have, to have asked those questions and really listened to his answers.

She decided that Rick would not have gone somewhere with too many people, nothing full of tourists or a major city centre. He would not want to be recognised and his movements published in the media, especially after the New York paparazzi had mauled him over their separation. Kate knew that she had hurt him by moving out, and keeping him in the dark, but she was especially guilty about the way the media treated him for it, like it was his fault, like he was in some way deficient, incapable of keeping a wife. They were already touting him as heading towards divorce number three, and some columns had even suggested he should not be on the eligible bachelor's list any longer. She wished she could stop these reports, proclaim to the world that he was the most amazing husband, but she knew all the protestations would only fuel more gossip. The best she could do was to show them a happy couple and prove them all wrong. That brought her back to the present and her search, just in time for her phone to ring.

The caretakers from Colorado returned her call, and asked if she wanted the cabin prepared for her arrival. She declined, but asked if Rick had been there lately or asked them to prepare the cabin, or to collect the keys. They assured her the keys were still in their possession, and they had not spoken to Rick in over a year. They had been up to the cabin just before Christmas, and had to clear the foot-deep snow to the front door, so there had been no one around. She thanked them and advised they may come up when the weather was warmer, before she hung up and crossed that off her list.

She then rang Ryan's mobile, and asked him to run a check on Rick's financials, specifically looking for a big withdrawal and told him that most of his cards were still at home, so not much point doing a current trace on them. She also told him not to rush it, but Ryan assured her they were currently between cases and it would free him from cold cases and paperwork for a little while. He rang back within the hour with some interesting information for her.

Castle had made an in-branch withdrawal of $20,000 the day before he left the letter for her. There was also a $50,000 transfer to a numbered bank account that Ryan could not trace without a warrant. Kate thanked him and knew that the numbered account would be in a different name, and that would be his new transaction account. She didn't know if he had set up any method to top up on that account, but she fervently hoped that he would not need to.

So the $20,000 cash would be for travelling, as cash payments for train or plane tickets would be untraceable, and then he would need a card of some description to access the numbered account. He probably would not want to go into a branch for fear of being recognised and his location publicised, or worse, being hit on as the poor separated man the media made him out to be. Kate cringed at the thought of him being hit upon, although she had his letter affirming his love for her – and read it nightly, seeking clues to his location – she was insanely jealous of other women who may be closer to him at the moment than she was. And perhaps as time had gone on, he may have decided she was too much work, too broken still, and started looking elsewhere.

Just as she was thinking about this, her phone rang, and Lanie's face came up on her screen. She answered knowing her friend would lift her spirits. They chatted for a little while, and she updated Lanie on her findings to date. Lanie assured her that it was still only early days, and systematically working through all the options was the best way to find him. She also suggested subscribing to the fan websites, as they would certainly post if he was spotted somewhere. They spoke briefly about the paparazzi's treatment of Rick, and Kate expressed her guilt and dismay that this also was her fault for causing him pain. Lanie didn't disagree, but told her to now use the media to help bring them back together. She also said her and Jenny would keep an eye on all the fan sites, and would let her know if they found anything. She rang off with an invite for dinner in a couple of nights, telling Kate she was going to make sure she ate, until Writer Boy could take up the task again.

The talk with Lanie, and being able to share her thoughts about the media, had really helped and Kate dived back into the search. She was distracted shortly, however, when her phone rang with an unknown number. Hoping against hope it may be Rick, she answered, but was immediately disappointed when she realised it was Vikram.

"What do you want, Vikram? I am on leave" Her tone of voice left no doubt about her lack of interest in anything he may want.

"I …. I just wanted to see how you were going, Beckett." Vikram seemed hesitant, but before she could reply, she heard a commotion in the background, and then a new voice on the phone.

"Captain Beckett, sorry to have bothered you, Mr. Singh forgot you were on leave. I will direct him to Captain Anderson. Goodbye." Javier Esposito's no nonsense voice cut over Vikram's spluttering, and then the phone went dead. Kate did briefly wonder why Vikram had called her, but accepted Espo's explanation and put it from her mind. She had far more important things to worry about than the goings on at her old precinct.

In the stairway of the 12th precinct, Espo handed the phone back to Vikram,but kept his hand on the man's shoulder, pushing him against the concrete wall. As he spoke, his face and his voice were menacing.

"If you ever call Captain Beckett again, I will find you and hurt you. You have no reason at all to speak to her, police work or otherwise. Your job here is temporary and can very easily disappear. Do I make myself clear?"

Only after Vikram nodded did Espo release him, and then walk back into the bull pen, not looking back. He did, however, nod to his partner, who watched Vikram return to the tech room, and added his glare when the man looked his way. They both knew that Lanie's warning was well given, and determined not to ease up their surveillance, and also to take a very quiet look into the man's background themselves.

Kate worked her way through the list of places she thought Rick may go to, and narrowed them down based on what she thought he would avoid under current circumstances. Without being able to check flight manifests, she couldn't confirm where he may have flown, but she was fairly certain he would not have used his own name, so that may well have been a waste of time anyway. This reminded her of the fake IDs he had made up years ago for some of his Derrick Storm research, and went looking for them in his safe. As suspected, they were all gone. Unfortunately, she could not remember what the actual names on them had been, and there was no list or other notes on them. She did recall that some of them had been characters in his books, but which ones? She pondered this while she made herself some dinner, and decided for bedtime reading to re-read his books in the hopes the name would jump out at her.


	14. Rick's POV

**Disclaimer: I do not own these wonderful characters, just playing with them for a little while. His location is real, but the rest of the details are just products of my imagination.**

 **CHAPTER 14**

Rick Castle walked slowly along the dirt path. This part of the country was sparsely populated, and there was not a living soul in his view. That was how he preferred it, these days. He didn't need anyone else to talk to, to explain things to, to see their pity. He only spoke to Alexis once a week, to reassure her that he was fine, staying safe and not doing – or contemplating - anything stupid. He knew what his daughter was most worried about, but he was nowhere near depressed enough to contemplate suicide. He wanted to live a long and happy life, with his wife by his side, perhaps more children. He just had to wait until Kate was also ready for that.

Alexis kept him up to date with what was happening in the city, and about some of the things Kate was telling her, but he had specifically requested not to be told every tiny detail. Sometimes, he regretted that, especially when he found out she had been shot again. He had almost packed up everything and rushed back to New York when he heard, but luckily Martha and Alexis were able to talk him down. None of what he was trying to achieve would come to pass if he did that, and they would never have a healthy relationship of equals if he capitulated now.

It did, however, make for a miserable Christmas, not spending time with his wife or his favourite red heads. They did briefly discuss meeting up somewhere far from New York and where he was staying, but decided it was impractical. Alexis had friends in the city and responsibilities with the P.I. business, and Martha had her annual Christmas Pantomime performances. They did spend time on Skype, and Rick arranged a couple of large packages to be delivered to the loft full of presents for the ladies, but it broke his heart not be able to hug and kiss them, enjoy the decorations and ambiance the decorated loft exuded. He didn't decorate at the ranch, and without him there the loft was also not decorated, not a soul being present from when Kate read his letter to when she moved back in and started to search for him.

Rick was heartened to know she had returned to the loft, and was able to genuinely joke with Alexis for the first time after she told him Kate had taken leave from the precinct to concentrate on finding him. He knew then that she would come back to him, and they would work on their issues together. He was glad to hear she had gone back to Dr Burke, although he didn't know how often she was in that black lounge chair, and also hoped they could see him together or perhaps another counsellor if Dr Burke didn't do couples therapy.

Rick was still hurting from being abandoned again, and this time away was also working to harden his heart a little, take control of his emotions, so he wouldn't just fall back into Beckett's arms as soon as she found him, thereby defeating the purpose of his self-imposed exile. He knew that if he had stayed at the loft, and Kate had come walking back in, he would have taken her back, just as she had asked, and they would have carried on until the next time something drew her away again. Because he didn't understand what it was that had caused her to abandon him, he couldn't predict or prevent a repeat performance, and that is what he was most afraid of.

If Rick wanted their marriage to last for the rest of their lives – and there was nothing in the whole wide world he wanted more – then he needed to make sure they were on an equal footing, with absolutely no more secrets between them, and respectful of each other and their needs. He needed Kate to commit to him totally, make him first in her life, just as he had done for her for a long time already. Alexis was grown, moving out and on with her life, and while he would absolutely drop everything if she ever needed him, he knew that he had to let his daughter spread her own wings, and live her own life, and he needed to make sure his marriage was a healthy partnership and he was living his life the way that he wanted, with the woman he wanted by his side.

So Rick worked to manage his emotions, his anger and his love, in a way reflecting how Beckett had locked away her heart after her mother was murdered. He loved his wife, and he missed her with a physical ache he had never experienced before, but capitulating too early would be disastrous. He set himself rules about what he would do, what he would say when he saw her again. He had absolutely no doubt it would be soon, because Kate was an extraordinary detective, but also she knew him much better than anyone else ever had. All the many hours of their talks sharing memories had allowed them each an insight into the other that two human beings rarely possessed. They were connected on some deep level even he couldn't explain totally, sensing each other's moods and needs, responding wordlessly when required. He remembered the many times that Esposito or Ryan, or Lanie, commented on how they were in sync, their "shared brain" thing. He hoped they could get back to that level of communion soon.

His time at the ranch was coming to an end, with the seasonal workers moving in soon and needing the bunkhouse that had been his home for the past three months. He reflected on that first conversation with Ann Grimes twelve years earlier.

 _Four Seasons Ballroom, 2003_

"Oh, Mr Castle, it's great to finally meet you. I am Ann Grimes, my mother owns the cattle ranch the Steps of Hope charity is aiming to run their camps at this summer."

"Great to meet you Ann, and please call me Rick. I like the idea of boys' camps to redirect the energies of our wayward youth. I was happy to come along and lend my voice as well as check book to this fundraiser, and it was very generous of your mother to donate the use of the land. Where exactly is the cattle ranch?" Rick was making polite small talk, but he was genuinely interested. He had been thinking about doing some research on real cowboys and how he could tie that into the next Derrick Storm book. Perhaps this was a way to get a bit more information.

"Yes, I had heard about your own shall we say wayward activities, and not that long ago, if I recall correctly." Ann smiled to show she was joking, but Rick got the impression she was letting him know she was not going to become his next victim.

"Yes, I had a wayward youth, and found it hard to grow up, but I am happily married now, and those days are behind me. I was asking because I am looking to do some research into real cowboys and was interested in the cattle ranches from that perspective."

"Yes, I also heard about your marriage. Your publisher, correct?" Rick nodded. "Well, congratulations. About the cattle ranches, we have two; the fully operating one at the moment is the Four Sixes ranch just outside Guthrie in Texas. It's about 4 hours northwest of Dallas Ft Worth. If you are really interested in research, I would be happy to arrange a stay for you, and let you speak to some of our senior staff."

"Wow, yes please, that would be amazing. As you know," he already knew she loved his books, "I like to get the real facts about what I write, and the best way to do that is to do in-person research. For the character of Clara Strike, I was actually able to shadow a CIA agent for a little while." Rick's smile was still in place, but anyone who knew him would have recognised it as his public celebrity smile. Behind his eyes, he was thinking of Sofia Turner and the strange end to that partnership. Never mind Rick, he told himself, you have Gina now, stop thinking about other women.

"That sounds fascinating, Rick, but I don't think talking to our cowboys will give you anywhere near the same thrill. Here is my card, please call the office when you are ready. Again, thanks so much for coming to our fundraiser tonight. I look forward to chatting with you again."

 _Present day, Four Sixes Ranch_

When he had called Ann again a few months earlier, she was at first surprised, but happy to let him stay in the bunkhouse for a couple of months. He told her he was going into seclusion to work on his book, and she didn't ask any other questions. No doubt the media would eventually get hold of his disappearance, and make much of it just like last time, but by then he hoped to have moved on. He grimaced at the reminder of his last disappearance, although that was not his doing. He hoped the fact that he told his family where and why he was going would ease their fears somewhat. With any luck, the media actually wouldn't know anything but that he had left town for a little while, and the story of his separation would also die down to be forgotten when the paparazzi discovered the next big thing.

He bought the airline ticket with cash, using one of his Storm aliases, and the ticketing consultant had not even raised her eyes to him while processing the paperwork. He had then bought a second hand SUV also for cash and stocked up on non-perishable food at Dallas Ft Worth, and driven himself out to Guthrie and the ranch. The town was small and didn't even have a book shop (population 816) but the large number of transient workers passing through for seasonal work at the ranch meant he could pass by unnoticed when he went into town for essentials.

Now he was contemplating how much longer he could stay here, and where to go if Kate hadn't found him yet. He would miss the peace and quiet this part of the ranch provided, how close he was to nature and the fresh air he was breathing. He could move to his cabin in the Colorado mountains, Kate would have checked that by now, and she may not try again for a while, if at all, unless he gave her a reason to think he had moved. He wondered if she had figured out the alias he was using yet, and was on his trail already. He hoped that somewhere down the track, they would be in a place to be able to laugh about his choice of characters. He wanted her to prove she wanted this, them, as much as he did, and that she understood him enough to track him down without the obvious clues she had at her disposal for a normal police investigation. Only when they were together would the real work on their relationship start, and he was grateful for the little break to allow his heart to heal and be able to state his requirements without fear of chasing her away again.

Just as he was about to head back to the cabin, his phone rang. He could see it was Alexis, so he answered straight away.

"Hi Pumpkin, miss me already? I only spoke to you yesterday?"

"Yes, I miss you dad, but I called because I have someone here who wants to speak to you, and I didn't want to give out your phone number as per your instructions."

Rick felt a moment of panic that Alexis had Kate there wanting to speak to him. He wasn't ready for that yet, certainly not for a normal conversation, and he had given specific instructions for his daughter not to help Kate at all with finding him. But the voice on the other end of the line caused him even more panic of a different kind, and shock at the same time.

"Hi Rick, its Jim Beckett."


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them.**

 **A/N: thanks for all your reviews and continuing support of this story, it seems quite a few of you liked Rick's POV and finding out where he is. Some of you have even picked up on the clues as to how she will find him, which is great. I can promise it will only be a chapter or two before they are reunited – at least physically** **.**

 **CHAPTER 15**

Kate woke with a feeling of frustration, feeling like she had to move or go crazy. So she decided today was as good as any for a drive to the Hamptons, to check out the house there. Being on leave from the NYPD, she no longer had the use of a vehicle but she would not have used it for this in any case. She also didn't want to use the Ferrari, trying to keep as low a profile as possible. The recently acquired Buick was parked downstairs so she decided to take that.

While she was driving, she thought that Rick would want to have a car available to him, again as untraceable as possible, so renting it would be out of the question. Perhaps that was what some of the $20,000 was for, to purchase a vehicle for his use, wherever he was. And he would more than likely want a non-descript car, so he would buy second hand. Depending on his location, he would probably choose an SUV for the most flexibility. She filed that away for later follow up.

It was a pleasant drive out to the Hamptons, even though the air was still chilly. Not being holidays, the roads were quiet and she made good time. She would stop at the house first, have a good look around, see if any of the neighbours were in residence, then head into town and catch up with Chief Brady. If anyone would have seen Rick out here, no doubt the police chief would know. Plan made, she allowed herself to relax and enjoy the drive.

The house was exactly as they had left it, the caretakers had been in to clean and close up, but it was obviously an empty house. She walked around all the rooms just in case, and checked all the cupboards. She couldn't exactly explain what she was hoping for, but she wanted to be thorough. From the looks of it, no one else had been here since, and all their family photos and tchotchkes were untouched. Looking out the back towards the ocean, she remembered the days they had spent here together, getting to know each other, and then enjoying their first days of married life together. She wanted to make many more of those good memories with him, devote her life to making him happy, as he had done for her. He had brought her out of her self-imposed isolation, her hard Beckett armour that was also keeping her miserable, and shown her what life could be like with love. He had given her so much, and it was way past time for her to give back.

After her tour around the house she knew for sure he was not there, nor had he been there since their last trip together, so she could cross that off her list. She headed into town to catch up with Chief Brady, just in case he may have seen Rick around the area, even if he was not staying at their house. As she drove and then walked the streets to the station, she noted how quiet it was, only a few locals around on the streets, and knew that if Rick had been here, someone would know. She was greeted at the station and escorted to the chief's office with respect and a bit of awe, and the chief came out from behind his desk with a warm smile on his face, welcoming her and asking after her and her husband's health. They made small talk for a little while, and her careful questioning confirmed that there was no one staying in or visiting the town Chief Brady had not already checked out and confirmed safe for his little domain. After a few more minutes she excused herself and returned to the house, snuggling up in their bed and comforting herself with his books. Having finished Storm Fall, she started from the beginning again, pulling out her mother's copy of _Derrick Storm_. She read a couple of chapters before she was lulled to sleep by the sounds of the ocean outside the window.

The next morning she packed her book back in her bag, and drove back straight to Dr Burke's office for her appointment. The hour was long and gruelling, exploring why she felt she needed to pursue the LokSat case, and why she excluded Rick. Of course they didn't get anywhere near through all of it, but it was a start. As always after therapy sessions, she was emotionally exhausted and returned to the loft for a long hot shower. She was saving the bath until after she had reunited with her husband and at least started to make inroads to repairing their relationship.

Just as she was settling down to read again, her phone buzzed with a message from Lanie, just saying _Call me ASAP_.

"What's up, Lanie, calling to cancel our dinner because you have a hot date?" Kate joked.

"No, girl, calling to give you a sighting from one of the fan sites. There are a few people who have posted that they saw Castle on the streets of a town in Kansas." Lanie said, excitement in her voice for her friend.

"Thanks Lanie, I will check it out, and book a flight tomorrow."

"You go, girl, I will send you the link. Bring him home." Lanie rung off, and within a minute Kate's phone pinged with an email.

Kate followed the link and then did her own search, and found three separate people – women, of course – who claimed on social media to have spotted Richard Castle in downtown Leawood. She couldn't fathom why he would go there (other than the local Barnes & Noble he had a signing at once before), but this was a potential lead and she had to act on it. She booked an early flight and packed her overnight bag. Sleep was a long time coming, as she was both excited and nervous to find him.

From Kansas City International Airport Kate hired a car and drive the 32 miles to Leawood, and parked outside the Barnes and Noble, as that was where two of the sightings had occurred. The third was at a coffee shop just down the street, and she would go there after she had explored the book shop. She walked up and down the aisles for a good half hour, looking at other patrons but also keeping an eye out on the pedestrians walking past outside. Then she decided there was nothing to be gained by staying inside, so she wandered outside and up the street in search of a cup of coffee. The named coffee shop was doing a roaring trade, so she ordered her vanilla latte and then sat just inside the door, watching both inside and out. By the time she had finished her first cup, the rush had died down, and the barista came over to offer her a top up, which she gladly accepted. She was playing on her phone, checking the social media links Lanie had sent her for an update, when two women came into the shop and stood talking at the counter.

"Are you sure it was him?" the slim brunette asked her busty blonde friend, in a breathless voice.

"Of course it was, I would know Richard Castle anywhere. I have met him numerous times, you know" the smirk on her face suggested she had done more than meet him. Kate cringed, but kept listening while appearing not to be.

"He was just walking into North Italia as I drove past, with a blonde woman on his arm. They looked mighty cosy, if you ask me. It was obviously not his wife. I knew they would never last. I could never understand what he saw in her, she was so straight laced and uptight and boring. She may have inspired the Nikki Heat series, but I think once the chasing is done, the catching is not as much fun, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, yes, I do, my husband is another example. Or should I say, ex-husband. As soon as he had me full time he wanted someone else to chase. Men like that shouldn't get married, you know, just spread themselves around all us lonely single ladies." Both women were smirking now, but Kate had heard enough. As subtly as she could, she got up from the table and passed the women on her way out the door, and walked briskly back towards the bookstore and her car. Then she looked up North Italia to discover it was a restaurant just a couple of blocks away, so she drove over and parked in front.

When she walked in to the restaurant she was not sure what she would find, but hoped sincerely it was not her husband with another woman. She wasn't sure how she would react to that sight, especially if they were as friendly as the blonde had seemed to imply. The tables were mostly empty, so she found the single blonde sitting at a table by herself fairly quickly. She was looking towards the rest rooms, so Kate's eyes strayed that way as well. She also noticed a waitress making her way over to serve her, and was thinking of excuses to hang around without sitting down when a man came out of the men's room. He was tall like Rick, and solid, and his dark hair was similarly styled, but he moved differently, and Kate instantly knew it wasn't her husband. He had a confident smirk on his face, however, and she guessed with sunglasses on he could pass a fleeting inspection. Just before she was accosted by the waitress, she heard his companion call out 'Richard' and knew that with similar looks and that name, he could convince some people of his identity. He also looked vaguely familiar, but it was not until she was driving back to the airport that she recalled the man they had found impersonating Rick during the Tessa Horton case.

Kate returned the rental car and got on the next flight to New York while deep in thought. She knew that Rick would not be out and about in the streets of a town, he would be secluded somewhere quiet and away from people while he healed his heart. She had to trust herself, and her knowledge of her husband, that she would find him as he wanted, and devoted the rest of her life to making him happy. When she landed back home she returned to the loft and went to bed. Tomorrow would be another day to find him.

She was wide awake at 3 am the next morning, thoughts clamouring for attention in her head. She couldn't pin them down, but figured if she could distract her brain, her mind may sort out the strands of competing facts and come up with something she could use, so she picked up _Derrick Storm_ and continued reading. It was only a few pages later that she suddenly dropped the book onto her lap, staring out the window into the night, and said one name.

"Jefferson Grout".


	16. Jim's call

**Disclaimer: I don't own any character you recognise, and probably many of the ones you don't recognise either.**

 **CHAPTER 16**

Rick was even more shocked that it was Jim Beckett on the phone, than he would have been if his daughter had ignored his instructions and had his wife on the phone. He had no idea what Jim knew about the recent events, and he was a little concerned that perhaps Jim was angry with him for not being with Kate when she was shot this time around. It was with hesitation that he spoke again.

"Hi, Jim. Uh, what can I do for you?"

"Hello Rick. Long-time no speak. It's more like what I can do for you." Rick was flabbergasted, no idea what Jim was talking about.

"Look, Jim, I am sorry" Rick started, but was cut off by Jim. Just as his wife had been surprised by this decisive side to her father, now Rick was taken aback by his father in law.

"Nothing to be sorry for, Rick. I can understand exactly what you are doing. As soon as Katie explained in the hospital what had been going on, I understood what you were trying to do. I just wish it hadn't taken an event like this for it to happen. How have you been, through all this?"

Rick didn't hold back, talking to Jim for over 10 minutes about his thoughts, his feelings and emotions over the last 3 months. He felt he and Jim had a great bond, and was reassured that Jim was listening to him, not making judgements and blaming him for leaving his daughter. When Rick finished, saying he was staying on a ranch away from people – still not revealing any details, Jim spoke again.

"Rick, I wish I had had the strength when Johanna was still alive to have this sort of discussion with her, but we were so happy and in love that I didn't want to rock the boat. By the time her obsession because dangerous, she was too far past talking, and you know what the end of that was. I am now going to tell you the things about Johanna and myself that I only recently shared with Katie. I think you have the right to know these things about her history, and it will hopefully help you understand her a little better, and know how to help her. I would prefer to tell you these things in person rather than over the phone, but circumstances are against us so I hope you don't mind this method of communication."

Over the course of the next 30 minutes, Jim explained to Rick the history of his addiction and Johanna's OCD, and how those two things had come together in Katie in a lethal mix. Rick knew some of it already, certainly her father's alcohol issues, but some of the things Jim was describing about Johanna's personality and actions put a few of Katie's behaviours into perspective. Knowing what the root cause was made it easier to address the symptoms, and he was more confident at the end that with therapy they could get to a point where they would have a happy and healthy marriage. Rick was extremely grateful to Jim for sharing this information, and thanked him profusely, assuring him that he would only use the information to help Kate and their relationship. Then Jim had another surprise for him.

"Listen son, I don't know where you are, or how long you can be or want to be there, but I wanted to suggest you may want to make use of the Beckett cabin. It's empty at the moment, and I can leave the keys in a safe place for you. I can assure you I would never mention this conversation or your location to Kate. You would be undisturbed for as long as you wanted, and maybe it could help you understand and accept Katie's time there after her shooting a little better."

"Um. Thanks for the offer, Jim, and I may take you up on it, I will certainly think about it. My time here is coming to an end soon, and it will all depend on where Kate and I are at that time. Can I get back to you? I will send a message to Alexis and she can pass it onto you."

"Absolutely, Rick, take as long as you need. Let me say one more thing and then I will leave you to it. You have been the best thing that has happened to my Katie since her mother died. You brought her out of her self-imposed emotional exile, and made her happy for the first time since her life was shattered at 19. I know that she loves you with all her heart, but she is stubborn, and is not used to asking for or needing help for anything. I will let her tell you the reasons for her actions, and what was going on the last few months, but I wanted to reassure you that she was doing it to protect you, to keep you safe. That was absolutely top of her mind, and unfortunately she had no regard for her own safety or well-being. She was in absolute hell for what she was doing to you, but couldn't see any other way of achieving what she thought she needed to do. Even when she finds you, you two will have a long road of talking and working things out, and therapy, to get back onto an even keel, and she will need you there to support her for the rest of her life so she does not regress. You have taken on a very difficult task, and I am eternally grateful that you have chosen to save my daughter."

Rick was blown away and could only whisper thank you to Jim, before Jim said his goodbye and passed the phone back to Alexis. Alexis had made herself scarce for most of the conversation, as Jim had pre-warned her that what he was going to share with Rick was confidential and while it was not secret, Alexis figured she would give the men privacy. Now she quickly said goodbye to her dad, sensing he had a lot on his mind, and hung up. She then gave Jim a big hug, and thanked him for supporting their family and sharing this information. Jim also had tears in his eyes, but hugged his almost grand-daughter back, and whispered in her ear, "they will be alright, Alexis, they both will be, together."

Rick did indeed have a lot on his mind, and he had a lot to think about. He walked quickly back to the bunkhouse and sat on the porch outside while he contemplated. The addiction and OCD Jim talked about confirmed a lot of the thoughts he had about Kate, and why she did the things she did. He knew for sure now that therapy was the only way they were going to get better, both for Kate's afflictions and their marriage as well. He would be there to support her in everything, but also to stop her from reverting to dangerous behaviours. He was keen to start on that as soon as they were reunited.

One benefit of being out in the country was that there were no street lights to lend artificial daylight to the region, and so not long after the sun went down he went to bed. He was also getting good rest in the fresh air and peace, although he would only sleep well once his wife was by his side. The next day he took another long walk in the hills, and decided he would move out to Jim's cabin for a little while. He started packing up his belongings, and decided that tomorrow morning, bright and early he would head out, restock his supplies, and drive to upstate New York. It would feel good to be closer to his daughter and mother, and perhaps Kate. He wondered where she was, what she was doing, how she was going in the search for him.

Rick had been keeping a diary of sorts of his time in Guthrie, not regularly but when the mood struck. It was just thoughts and ideas about the location, how much he missed his wife, the little things she did that showed him she loved him – before she left him, of course. It was written in a real book, and he had decided early on that it was not going to be edited, or erased, or even pages ripped out. If he didn't like what he had written, he would just turn the page and carry on. It was a purging of a sort. Now, he again sat on the porch, writing about his feelings regarding the move to the Beckett cabin. Despite hiding it really well for the last 4 years, he still had reservations about Kate's time there after her shooting, and he knew the only way they would be put to rest would be to go there himself. Maybe afterwards, Kate and he could have a conversation about that time and finally clear the air. He texted his daughter to confirm moving to Jim's cabin, and told her he would be departing the next day. She came straight back with a "drive safe, Dad". With everything he could do for the move done, he retired to bed.

His plans for an early start the next day went awry after a bad nightmare had him awake multiple times. Perhaps moving to the cabin was not such a good idea, if it gave him nightmares about her shooting again. Well, the plans were made, he couldn't back out now. It was closer to midday when he drove into Guthrie, and parked outside the general store to return the bunkhouse keys, as instructed. He made a little bit of small talk with the owner, mostly about the weather, and then took a deep breath and stepped outside to begin the long drive. The sight that greeted him made him stumble and halt against the door jamb. His wife was leaning against his SUV, with a small smile on her face.

"You are a hard man to find, Mr Grout" she said.

 **A/N: for those who asked, I didn't make up the name of Jefferson Grout. I will explain in a future chapter how the clues came together, or you can cheat and Google the name to get a bit of insight. For the guest who was missing the conversation with Dr Burke in the last chapter, I am not a psychologist so I can't even begin to write like one, and I didn't want to ruin the story with a bad attempt. Having said that, there will be a few sessions with Dr Burke that I will detail in future chapters.**

 **A little bit of bad news for my readers, I have now reached the end of the fully written and edited chapters for this story. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have not been able to write as often to stay ahead of this line as I wanted to over the last month. I will post updates as and when I can. Thanks for your patience and understanding.**

 **M**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters you recognise, although I love to play with them occasionally.**

 **A/N: finally, they meet again for the first time in this story. It's a long chapter, but I didn't have anywhere good I could break it into two, so I hope you enjoy.**

 **CHAPTER 17**

For an endless moment, Rick and Kate just stared at each other, drinking in the sight of their love, after a long period of time apart. The town around them had faded to nothing, as their eyes roved up and down the other's body and face, striving to memorise anew the beloved planes.

Rick could see that Kate was letting him see everything in her face, the love she had for him, the longing of having missed him, her eyes were speaking volumes while she was looking back at him and absorbing his features. For her part, Kate could see the reserve in Rick's eyes, the relief of seeing her again tempered by the fear that this would not last, and the pain she had caused with her actions.

Rick was the first to move, and reached for Kate's hand, which she willingly gave, and then he pulled her into a hug. Kate relaxed bonelessly into his body, and let out a massive sigh of relief. The hug was brief, though, as Rick released her and stood back a pace again. They stood looking at each other again, but now holding hands. Kate knew she had to take the initiative, to take the lead in getting them back to the happy marriage they had before she walked out, so she took a deep breath, and spoke first.

"Rick, I am so glad to have found you, and I know we have a lot to talk about, but it is so good to see you again!" It wasn't exactly the most original opening, but she knew Rick could see the truth of it in her eyes.

Rick for his part just stared at her a little longer, then obviously decided to continue the lighter tone of their conversation.

"I knew you would find me, detective, if you really wanted to. But that was just the first step you know." His face was smiling, but his tone was serious.

"Yes, I know Rick. And I am prepared to do whatever it takes to take those steps by your side. We - I have a lot to talk about." Kate cringed a little inside at him calling her 'detective', but suddenly became aware of where they were.

"I have a rental car from Ft Worth, so I need to drive back there sometime soon to return it. Not sure what you wanted to do with this car?" Kate was giving all the choices to Rick at this point, and he could see she was really trying to hold back from just telling him what was going to happen, which was her usual practice.

"I was actually hoping to keep the car, at least for a little while. Maybe we should get a coffee, "a very small smile that still didn't reach his eyes,"and have a discussion about the next couple of days?"

They picked up takeout cups from the general store, which were certainly not up to their usual standards, and walked across the street to a park – more like an empty block of land – and sat down on two old crates. Kate wanted to tell Rick everything straight away, but they were not exactly in a place that was conducive to baring her heart and soul, and to be honest she wasn't actually sure how to start. Rick had no hesitation in taking charge of at least this part of the conversation.

"I spoke to your father a couple of days ago," he saw and heard the gasp from Kate, but carried on," and he offered me the use of his cabin. It was almost time for me to leave here anyway; the accommodation I was using was needed by others, so I decided to take him up on it. Now that you are here, perhaps we could both drive to Ft Worth to return your rental, and then take some time driving back to New York and talking. We may end up at the Beckett cabin, or we may not. What do you think?"

Kate was stunned that Rick had spoken to her dad, and wondered how that conversation had happened, when she couldn't even track him down until just this morning, but decided that was a question for another day. She also shelved the decision about the cabin, because that was even more of an open sore for them at present. She also knew that even if they just drove to Ft Worth to return her car, that was about 4 hours where they would be separated, each in their own cars, with their own thoughts, and she wanted to give Rick some positive things to think about during that time.

"Rick, that sounds great, whatever you think will be best. I have some things I want to say to you now, though, before we start the first leg of the drive. I made a terrible mistake in excluding you from the latest investigation, and pushing you away without explaining anything to you. I was afraid that if you knew what I was doing, you would investigate with me, and it would put you in the cross hairs of those I was investigating. I would absolutely die if I lost you, and I made the decision to exclude you to keep you safe. There is much more to this story, that I will absolutely share with you, but I wanted you to know first up, that I never stopped loving you, and I was only trying to protect you, as misguided as I now recognise that was. I have resigned as Captain of the precinct, and taken indefinite leave from the NYPD, because you, and our marriage, are the most important things in my life, and I want to do whatever it takes to prove that to you, and get you to trust me again." She had run out of breath by this point, and had run down from her summary confession as well. She was looking at Rick with pleading in her eyes, knowing that if he chose not to accept her now, there would be no going back for them.

Rick was surprised that Kate had basically admitted her error and confirmed she still wanted to be married to him, and stunned that she had resigned as Captain. He knew details about some things from conversations with Alexis, and also understood better what Jim had hinted at, but he was infinitely curious about the details – curse his writers brain. But now was not the time to ask her a thousand questions, the sooner they could get to Ft Worth the sooner they could be in the same car and taking their time with conversation.

A part of him was also surprised that they were having this calm-seeming conversation after having been apart for almost 4 months, after she walked out on their marriage with no explanation, and he hid himself away to try and heal his heart. He figured both of them had some acting genes, although just as he could read her eyes for the truth, she could also see he was working very hard on speaking normally and calmly. Rick had built his own wall around his heart in the preceding months, knowing that as he loved Kate unconditionally, she had the means to hurt him worse than anyone ever had before. Now he was using that wall to keep his emotions in check so he could get to the bottom of her reasons for walking out.

"Thank you, I appreciate it was not easy for you to say all those things. It leads into the first requirement I have for us moving forward with our marriage. I want us both to be totally honest and clear in our speech, our intent and requirements. No more subtext or innuendo. I know that we are both very good at that, our partnership was based on it, of course, but from now on we must only speak plainly. Do you accept that?"

"Yes, of course, Rick. I only ask that you give me the time to form the right words I may need, I don't have your skill with language, and I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"Oh, Kate, you do have a skill with language, but I understand what you are saying. Let's get going back to Dallas so we can return that car."

They returned to their respective cars, and Rick led off as he knew these roads a lot better than Kate did. He connected his burner phone to the Bluetooth in the car for the first time, then called Kate's mobile. She picked up on the second ring.

"Just me, I wanted to make sure you had this mobile number, should we get separated on the road. I need to call Alexis and tell her about the change in plans. I will speak to you in Dallas, but feel free to call if you need to."

"Thanks, babe" is all she was able to get out, before Rick hung up. She was not sure if he heard the nickname, but she had a smile on her face for being able to use it directly to him again. As she followed his car, she ordered her thoughts and reviewed what she wanted to say to him once they were together again. She had brought her list with her, but it was in the trunk with her luggage, and she didn't want to stop in case she got separated. Now that she had Rick in her sights again, there was no way she was letting him out of it.

Rick called Alexis, and told her Kate had found him just as he was leaving Guthrie, and explained about their change of plans. He also asked her to contact Jim and let him know they may be a day or two later to the cabin, but that he would confirm as they got closer. Then Alexis asked him a difficult question.

"So, what do you think, Dad? Has she done what you asked her to do in the letter? Certainly she's come and found you, but how much time has she dedicated to being sure this is what she wants? I know she said she was going to therapy, but how much difference can a few weeks make?" Alexis was very supportive of Kate and her father getting their marriage back on track, but she wanted to make sure that her dad would not just run straight back to her and ignore the hard work needed to get them on equal footing.

Rick sighed hearing the questioning in Alexis' voice, not sure just how supportive his daughter was of his wife after this latest hurdle in their relationship. But it was his life, and his daughter was an adult now, so he could be honest with her, and maybe make her understand what unconditional love meant between partners. He knew full well she already understood unconditional love between parent and child, as he had given her that for the two decades of her life, and would continue to do so until his last breath.

"I am feeling positive, pumpkin, but we have only just had a few minutes conversation so far. She obviously knows me really well, to have deciphered my clues and found me when I was deliberately hiding from her. I can tell you that she was open and honest with me when we spoke, and committed to our relationship. Did you know that she actually resigned as Captain? Yes, she took leave from the NYPD, but even when she goes back, it won't be as captain. That is a pretty big step for her, knowing how important her career has been to her for a long time. The rest, we will need to work on, therapy for both of us. But I really want that, and I get the feeling that she does as well. It was the best feeling to give her a hug today, after so long apart. I just have to make sure that our physical relationship does not overshadow the emotional changes we need to make."

"Eww, Dad, too much information!" Alexis laughed, and that broke the tension and the seriousness of their conversation.

"Don't worry, pumpkin that is probably the first and last time I ever say anything like that. I do want you to keep talking to me." Rick said, and she could hear the laughter in his voice, something that had been missing for a few months now. After a few more moments of small talk, Alexis promised to pass on the message to Jim Beckett, and they rang off. Rick still had a smile on his face as he drove, thinking about his daughter and what a great support she was. That was one relationship he was infinitely proud of.

Then he glanced in his rear view mirror and saw Kate following him in her car, and his thoughts turned to his wife again. It almost seemed like she was a different woman today, much more open and honest, willing to admit her mistakes. He was cautiously optimistic that this would last, but like his daughter he was not sure how much difference a few sessions with Dr Burke would make, he figured it would take many months, or perhaps years, of ongoing therapy to make dramatic changes, especially as the changes to Kate's personality - from a naïve teenager to the locked down detective she was when he met her - had over a decade to become habit.

The conversation with his daughter had reminded him of another requirement he wanted to share with Kate once they were together again. Their physical relationship had always been explosive, and if he allowed them to get distracted from their conversations with physical intimacy, the negotiations could be seriously derailed, and that was dangerous. So until they had both talked themselves out, there would be no sex. That was probably the hardest thing to insist upon, and especially as they had been physically apart for over three months, but he had to be strong on this point especially. Just touching her again for the hug had been almost more than he could take, and he had to cut the hug short before a certain part of him made itself known to Kate.

Kate for her part rang Ryan and told him to pass on to Espo and Lanie that she had found him, and would be off grid for the next few days. She asked for radio silence from all three of them, saying she would let them know when they were returning to New York. She contemplated ringing her dad, finding out what his part in all this had been, but then decided against it. She would get the details eventually, but for now she would concentrate on her and Rick. She did make one more phone call, as she was supposed to have an appointment with Dr Burke the next day. He was in session when she called, but he called her straight back after that.

"So, Kate, are you out of town chasing down a lead, is that why you called to speak to me?" Dr Burke asked.

"Yes, I am out of town, but I have chased down the lead, and I am sitting a car's length behind Rick as I speak. We are returning my hire car to the airport, and then we have a few days of travel in his car to talk work things through."

"I am very glad to hear that, Kate, and you sound quite positive about that as well, which is great. Tell me, do you have your thoughts in order of how and what you want to tell Rick?" Dr Burke remembered from their first conversation this time around that Kate just blurted everything out, going around in circles with some events until he had trouble keeping the story straight. From what he knew of Rick, that would not work so well with him.

"I think so?" Kate said, wincing when even she could hear the question mark at the end of that statement. "I have told him that I made a mistake in walking out and excluding him from the investigation, and that I had never stopped loving him and I wanted our marriage to work. I have my notebook with me that I have been writing in, trying to get my words right for him, so once we stop I will refer to that. I just hope he gives me the opportunity to get it all out. What if he doesn't want to come to therapy with me?"

"Kate, one step at a time. You are together now, and you have some uninterrupted time to be alone together and talk. You need to tell him everything you told me, and probably more, in terms of your feelings and thoughts at the time and now. Your homework before I see you again is to make sure he knows everything that has been going on, and also understands your part in it. Be careful though, I mean understand not agree or approve. That you cannot expect from him, certainly not right now. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Dr Burke, I understand."

"Also, Kate, he may have requirements about how this next period in your lives will proceed. You also need to think about things that you want, that you are, and are not willing to do. You both need to agree to those rules up front, so there is no misunderstanding. If you are to be equal partners in this, you need to have equal footing in everything."

"I agree. Thanks again, Dr Burke, I will see you soon."

Kate hung up the phone, and was tempted to call Rick again, just to hear his voice, to know that again he was so close, and speaking to her. Well, if she wanted to, she could.

"Hello" Rick answered the phone. He knew who was calling, as he had already programmed her number into his phone, although there was no picture to go with it. He did not add his usual teasing banter, and by that alone Kate knew she had a long way to go yet.

"Hi, I just wanted to hear your voice again" Kate said, not at all embarrassed to be so sappy with her husband. Then she continued "I also wanted to let you know the car rental is the Delta at the airport, I assume you know the general area where they are?"

"Yes, I considered them myself when I arrived."

"Good then, if you could just park out the front, I will drive in and get the paperwork sorted as quickly as I can." Kate could sense that Rick wanted to continue the conversation, like they usually did, but was holding back and just responding to questions. The guilt of making him close himself off and protect himself from her was an old friend by now, but each little thing made it hurt anew.

"I will. See you soon." Rick replied, and then cut the connection. Holding himself back from fully engaging with her was so hard, he almost wished he could give in, but he knew that was not going to do either of them, or their families, any good in the long run.

The four hour drive passed quickly for both of them, busy as they were with their own thoughts, and soon Kate was coming out of the rental office with her bag in hand. Rick got out of the SUV as she approached, and asked her "do you want to drive?"

Kate was a little surprised by the invitation, but she wanted to have full concentration on what she was going to say to Rick, and also she wanted him to feel and be in control as much as possible, so she declined with a shake of her head and got in the passenger seat, throwing her bag onto the back seat. She had, however, taken her notebook out and it now sat on her lap. Rick just lifted an eyebrow at her and the book, and then merged back into traffic, this time heading east.


	18. Chapter 18

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle._

 _A/N: thanks so much for your patience with me over the delays in this story, I can definitely guarantee that I will not abandon it; it will be finished, as time and RL allows me._

 **CHAPTER 18**

They drove in silence until they were on the outskirts of the city, Rick because he was concentrating on the road but also because he wanted her to start, Kate because she was debating internally how to start off the conversation they had to have. She flipped through her notebook a few times, and while it had the things in there she wanted to say, it didn't help with how to start off. In the end, as the street lights started to come on ahead of them, she half turned in her seat to look at Rick and just let the words flow.

"Dr Burke told me to make sure I told you everything that had happened since I walked out of the loft, including what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I thought I was doing the right thing – the hard thing, but the right thing – in protecting you, and Alexis, and Martha, from those I was investigating. I tried to keep the investigation a secret, only using Vikram because he already knew all about LokSat." The only reaction she saw from Rick was to that name, a small nod as if she had confirmed something he had already suspected. She continued.

"During those first two days when I was on the run, and again after Allison Hyde committed suicide, I ran into a woman who called herself Rita, and told me she was my mother-in-law." At this, Rick's eyebrows shot up into his hairline, and he fully turned his head to stare at her. This was something she really should have shared with him at the time, but if she stopped now, it would be even harder to get going again, so she waived her hand at him, and he seemed to understand her request to let her continue. At least some parts of them were still in sync.

"Yes, she said she had been married to Jackson Hunt for almost a decade, but because of both their professions they didn't get to see each other much, nor could they make their relationship common knowledge. During those two days, when she saved us from the mercenaries and took us to a safe house, she told us that the only way to be safe was to go on the run, leave everything behind while she continued to hunt down LokSat, and that when she was someday successful in that, we could return to our lives again. I was not willing to do that, to give up on my marriage, my family for some unknown amount of time."

"But that is exactly what you did!" Rick interjected, not being able to stay silent any longer.

"No! No, it wasn't like that" Kate's knee jerk reaction to deny her giving up on her marriage was quick, and Rick turned away from her again, to face the road. She could tell by the firm set of his shoulders he was restraining himself from saying something, and she knew she had to make him understand.

"That is not what I thought I was doing, and it's not what I wanted to do – giving up on our marriage is the last thing I want. I was protecting – I _thought_ I was protecting you and your family by distancing myself from you. My father made me realise after I had been shot and was recovering in hospital that all I had managed to do by pushing you away is to take away my ability to protect you, because I wasn't by your side, and I didn't know where you were. I know now it was the wrong decision, but Rick it was never my intention to ruin our marriage. You remember I said that night in the loft that I hoped you would take me back when it was all over."

Rick had listened to her words, while trying valiantly to control his anger. Someone, supposedly family, had told her pursuing this would put her family at risk, and rather than leaving it alone, she had chosen to abandon her family, to 'protect' them, and go at it by herself. She had relied on a perfect stranger, Vikram, who none of them knew anything about, and in fact the AG's office said he was not who he seemed. He decided to respond to the last part of her comment first.

"Yes, you hoped I would take you back, but I had no idea what you were doing, no frame of reference to why you were walking out on me. Bracken was right about you, you need to tilt at windmills, and just being my wife will never be enough for you!" He bit his own tongue to stop even more damaging things coming out of his mouth, and concentrated once more on the road. His posture was even more uptight, and his knuckles on the steering wheel were white.

"No, Rick, no! If there is one thing I need to make you understand tonight, it's that I love you with all my being, and having to live without you would kill me. Yes, I tilt at windmills, but that is a sickness that I have, I can't help it by myself. You have been the only one who can pull me out when I go down that rabbit hole, and I need you to help me stop. I need you by my side for the rest of my life, and I will do everything I can to show you that being your wife is the most important thing I want to do from now on." Her voice was quaking and she was obviously holding back tears. She knew that Rick was angry with her, and he had every right to be, but she needed to at least make him see that she wanted to change, to be good enough for him.

For his part, Rick could hear the emotion in her voice, and knew that she believed what she was saying in that moment. He was still trying to sort out the things in his head that she had said, and needed time to analyse them. He decided that while it was OK that Kate was talking while he was driving, they would not be able to have a proper conversation until he could concentrate fully on what she was saying. He shelved his irritation and questions, and asked her to continue.

"OK, let's shelve that for now. You were talking about what Rita said to you. Go on from there."

Kate could still see that he was stressed, but understood what he was asking her to do, so she continued.

"When we found Allison Hyde dead, I knew that she was a scapegoat, and the whole situation would be swept under the carpet; there would be no further investigation. My team at the AG's deserved better than that, someone had to catch the murderers and make them pay. As they had been killed because of a search I had done while I was with them, it was my duty to bring their killers to justice. And of course, it all came back to my mother's murder as well; with Bracken's silent partner still conducting clandestine illegal activities. Just as we had taken Bracken down, I wanted to take his partner down."

She paused to take a breath, and wait for Rick to speak, but he did not seem inclined to add anything. There was silence in the car for a little while as she gathered her thoughts for the next part of the story. It was too dark now for her to see her notes clearly, so she asked Rick if she could turn the reading light on, and he nodded. She knew by his lack of verbal response that he had himself fully locked down and under control, and that was not what she wanted. Maybe she could take charge for a little while, to move them forward.

"It's getting late; do you want to find a motel to stop at overnight? We can grab some dinner, and then continue talking a little?"

"Sure" Rick said, and they both started looking around for a convenient stopping place.

In less than an hour, they had found a motel and checked in, and a nearby Chinese takeout provided dinner. They were set up in the room's two seater dining table, the remnants of their meal around them, when Kate spoke again.

"Rick, I know you want to hear everything that has gone on, and I will absolutely share it all with you, but I felt in the car that you needed to concentrate on the road and therefore you were holding back from the conversation. I deserve whatever you throw at me, so please don't hold back any more. You wanted us to be open and honest and I think that works both ways. Please?"

Rick looked at her for a long minute, ordering his thoughts, reviewing what she had already told him. He started with what was bothering him the most as her husband, as the partner she had trusted to have her back for so long.

"How could you take the words of two strangers, Vikram and Rita, over that of your husband and partner? You know nothing about either of them, and I have been by your side, having your back, for over 5 years. Why did you shut me out and rely on them?"

Kate cringed at the hurt in his voice, the devastation in his eyes that she didn't think he was good enough. God, how much damage had she done to this man, not just to their marriage, but to his emotional wellbeing? The first thing out of her mouth was the truth, insufficient as it was.

"I don't know."


	19. Chapter 19

_Disclaimer: I don't own these wonderful characters, but am eternally grateful to AWM and TEM for sharing them with the world so I can play with them for a little while._

 **CHAPTER 19**

"I don't know other than the rabbit hole was calling, and I dived straight in without thinking. My knee jerk reaction was that I had to solve it, get justice for my team, but from what Rita said, I had to protect you and your family. I know now that I didn't manage to protect you at all, should have realised in those first two days that the best way to protect you was to be by your side, especially after that episode with the spiders, but I wasn't thinking straight. Every time mention of my mom's case comes up, it seems that all the work I have done – that we have done – is out the window and I am back to that single minded vigilante that I became my first three years on the force. And I don't know how I can stop it."

Kate took a deep breath after this, and looked down at her hands in her lap, not even brave enough to look at her husband. She knew that she had hurt him very badly with the last three months, and admitting that she didn't actually know how to change sounded so hopeless. But then she recalled what she had spoken to Dr Burke about, and started again.

"Dr Burke said that my OCD and addictive personality have latched onto my mother's case as their trigger, and we have figured out that I don't even know consciously that I am doing it, and unless something happens to pull me out, I just get deeper and deeper in. We discussed that during the chase for Bracken often it was you that pulled me out, and that is why I need you by my side from now on, to make sure I don't get lost again. I know it's a lot to ask, especially the way I have treated you, and made you feel, but I truly need you, Rick."

Rick was taken aback by her last line; the Kate Beckett he first met would never have needed anyone, let alone admitted it. So many things in her had changed over the last 8 years, just as he had changed to become a better man, with her influence. Maybe there was hope for a long term resolution to their challenges, hope for their always. But the path was still rocky and full of pitfalls.

"I appreciate that, Kate, you believe these things you are saying now, and mean them now. But I can remember a night in the loft three months ago, where you were convinced what you were doing then was the right thing that you _needed_ to do. What proof is there that you won't do that again? Something else will come up that only _you_ can solve, only _you_ can fix, and we will be straight back there again, me watching you walk away."

"Rick, I don't have a guarantee that this won't happen again, because right now I can't give you that. But I have spoken to Dr Burke about ongoing therapy sessions, to work towards being able to identify the triggers and react to them properly. He also suggested that you come along to therapy with me, and have some sessions by yourself as well, so we can work together on this. If you are willing, of course."

"Kate, I love you, and I will always love you. I can't stop it, I can't flick a switch. Even when I thought you didn't love me anymore, when you left me, all I could think about is what I can do to win you back. But that also means that you have the ability to hurt me worse than anyone else ever has. I cannot allow you to continue doing that to me, because I have other people who also rely on me, even if my daughter is now an adult and living her own life, she needs me to continue being her dad, and the last two months almost destroyed me. If going to therapy with you will allow you to manage this addiction, and stop hurting me with this, then I am willing to give it a go. But you need to put in the effort as well, because otherwise it will not work. And if that is the case, then we may as well give up now, because it's just going to be more painful the longer it is drawn out."

Rick's eyes were boring into hers, and she knew that this was the turning point, where if she was not willing to put in the work, he would walk away for good. She wouldn't blame him for it; she had really hurt him, more than just this latest time. It seemed all she did was hurt him, and all he did was come back to her, forgive her and let her do it again. This had to stop, if they were to have a normal relationship, if their marriage had any hope of lasting the distance.

"Rick, I will do absolutely anything and everything to stay by your side, to be the best wife I can be for you from this moment onwards. If that means daily therapy sessions for the next twenty years, then that is what I will do. I will keep showing up, keep showing you that you are the most important person in my world. I need you to make sure I don't get lost in my addiction, to be the voice of reason when I have lost mine, to bring me back to reality if I lose sight of what is truly important. Yes, I will probably have lapses, Dr Burke already warned me about that, and I am telling you right now, you have my permission to do whatever it takes to pull me out of them – slap me, throw me in the shower, drag me away by the hair, whatever." Rick had a smile on his face by the end of this, probably imagining him doing those things to her in public, although he was not sure he could actually pull it off – she was physically strong and could be immobile if she wanted to, many a perp had found that out the hard way.

"OK. We both commit to working together in therapy and out of it, to control your disease and get to our happy ending. I think that is enough heavy conversation for now, and it's getting late, we should be thinking about sleep." With that Rick got up from the table and took his bag to the bathroom, and locked the door while he showered and changed into sleepwear. Kate was a little taken aback that he locked the door, but she shrugged it off. Maybe it was a new habit since he had been staying somewhere other than home. She took the opportunity to get into her PJ's and pull her toiletries out, ready for her turn in the bathroom.

Rick came out and left the door open, smiling slightly at her as he passed by on the way to his side of the bed. She then took her turn in the bathroom, washing her face, brushing her teeth and calming her nerves. For the first time in over three months, she was going to bed with her husband again, and her whole body was tingling and tense. She didn't know what was about to happen but was open to whatever Rick wanted tonight. She didn't expect that it would be nothing.

When she left the bathroom, the lights in the room had been turned off, except for her bedside light, and Rick was on his side facing away from her. This was a change, as normally he would face the centre of the bed, his arms out and ready to welcome her into his embrace. She wasn't sure if he was asleep or not, so she whispered his name quietly. When he didn't respond in any way, she assumed he had already fallen asleep, so she got into her side of the bed, facing outwards as well, and turned off the light. Then she stared into space and worried about how she could bring the love back to her marriage and it took her a long time to fall asleep.

Rick was not asleep, but very consciously controlling his breathing to appear to be asleep. He had not thought of a way to tell Kate about his request for abstinence, and so he took the cowards way out and didn't say anything about it. But just having his wife in the same bed as him was excruciating, not being able to touch her and make up for all that lost time. The way she whispered his name sent shivers down his spine that he almost couldn't control. This was going to be very difficult, especially as it was his idea in the first place. Kate's breathing had slowed to her regular sleep rhythm a long time before Rick's eyelids lowered for the last time that night.

 _A/N: With this chapter, I have reached the 30,000 word count for the Winter Castle Ficathon, only 2 weeks too late_ _. There is more to come, as while she has found him physically, emotionally he is still out of reach. Next chapter, they discuss how she found him, for those who wanted to know. Thanks to everyone who followed, favorited and reviewed, your support means more than you could ever know. A very special shout-out to elvander72, the Castle to my Beckett, my beta reader and constant support. Without you none of this would have been possible. Always._


	20. Chapter 20

_Disclaimer: If you recognise it, I don't own it._

 _A/N: thanks so much for your patience and continued support with this story. One response to a guest review that I can't answer directly – the show has been going for 8 seasons now, but Beckett and Castle have not been "partners" for all that time – she acknowledged him as her partner only in season 3, that is where my 5 years comes from. In my view, "partner" has a very specific meaning for cops in general and Beckett in particular, and Castle would definitely respect that. He started as her annoying tag-along, her plucky sidekick and only after she called him her partner would be claim that title._

 **CHAPTER 20**

The next morning, they took turns in the bathroom again, neither mentioning their sleeping arrangements. Kate was surprised she had not migrated over to Rick during the night, but then she had been in a single bed for a long time now, and had learned not to move in her sleep for fear of falling out of bed. After coffee and breakfast, they got on the road again. So far, only an occasional word had been exchanged, and in a way it was good they were still in sync with being able to work around each other, but it was also starting to become a little uncomfortable. Rick decided it was time to break the silence as they got back onto the highway.

"So, Detective, time for you to awe me with your investigative talent. Tell me how you tracked me down." He was smiling over at her, conveying with his eyes that it was time for a lighter conversation.

"Well, you certainly didn't make it easy. You have been working with the NYPD long enough to know the first thing we run is financials, but you left all your credit cards at home. We did find a cash withdrawal on your account a few days beforehand, and a transfer to an offshore account we couldn't trace. I figured out fairly early on that you were using an alias, and I remembered you had all those alternate identity documents in the safe from one of your Storm books, but they were all gone when I looked, and I couldn't remember what the names on them were. We couldn't even check with the airlines of who paid for a flight with cash because there were too many possibilities. Lanie and Jenny were monitoring the fan sites for sightings of you, but I figured you would not go somewhere you could be spotted. However, short of anything else to go on, I had to follow those leads. One of them took me to Leawood, Kansas where I bumped into that double that Jerry Tyson used when he tried to frame you for murder. He was living it up pretending to be you, and getting a lot of babes."

Kate paused here, her mind going back not to Kansas City, but the case where she almost lost Castle just after they got together, when Tyson framed him for the murder of Tessa Horton. She had never lost faith in him, but if it wasn't for his contacts, he may well have been killed before she could free him. It reminded her again of how resourceful he was.

"After that, I was convinced you would go somewhere remote, or at least out of the way, and you would have a vehicle, an SUV for preference, late model to blend into the background. But I couldn't find any properties you were associated with that you may be staying at. I checked with the caretakers in Colorado and they said you hadn't been there in a long time, and the feet-thick snow would have made that difficult anyway.

In between following leads and fan sites, I read through all your Storm books again, looking for a name that may be familiar for your alternative identity. It was when I went all the way back to the very first Derrick Storm that I remembered Jefferson Grout." There was silence for a minute or two, while Rick focused on driving, almost knowing what his wife was going to say next, and Kate was contemplating the best way to ask the question she had about this ID. In the end, she just went ahead and blurted it out.

"Really, Castle, you chose as your alternative identity a guy who was hunted down as a cheating husband?"

"Yes, but don't forget he was actually a rogue CIA agent!" Rick enthused, and they grinned at each other. A little of their playful banter was back, and they were both glad for it.

"Anyway", Kate continued," once I had the name I thought you were using, it was a lot easier to find a flight paid for with cash to Dallas Ft Worth. And it was only the fourth car yard I went to where I found a talkative salesman willing to tell me all about generous Mr Grout and the dark SUV. He even gave me the licence plate number. After that, I misused NYPD resources while on leave by getting Ryan to track the plate, and he found some highway checks heading towards Guthrie. Of course at that point we didn't know it was Guthrie you were near, so I hired the car at Dallas and drove around all these little towns looking for the SUV. In all the other little towns, I drove up and down the streets looking for the car. When I approached Guthrie, I had a feeling that directed me straight to the main street and that general store, where I saw the SUV parked. So someone up above was helping me find you, especially if you were just about to leave and I would have missed you and had to start from scratch."

"Will you get in trouble for getting Ryan to do that? Or will he?" Rick asked, concern for his wife and friend. The last thing he wanted was to do something that caused grief for them work-wise.

"No, Ryan assured me he wanted to help – they all did. Lanie and Jenny did the social media side, keeping an eye on all the fan sites, and keeping me eating and sleeping. And the boys were wonderful with helping look things up. I wronged them, too, excluding them from the LOCSAT investigation, and it drove a wedge between the team as well. It's another reason I have resigned as Captain. They are too important to me, my precinct family, to lose over a questionable career move. I told them what I had done, I hope you don't mind that I spoke to them first, but I need to clear the air and get them onside. It also helped me to rehearse what I wanted to say to you, assuming you would listen. I am not a wordsmith like you, so I wanted to get it right the first time."

I am glad you made things right with the boys and Lanie. It was hard watching you push everyone away, at least if it was just me I could have known you had others to rely on, but you shut us all out. How was your Dad with all this?" Rick asked, while looking at her. While Rick and Jim had spoken, they had not discussed how much Jim knew about events as they happened; only what Kate had told him in the hospital.

"Dad didn't know anything until he came to see me in the hospital after I was shot." Kate saw Rick wince at this, knowing he would have wanted to be there for her, no matter what they were going through at the time.

"At first he was angry that you were not there, but I explained that you didn't know, and it wasn't your fault. Later, when the drugs they had me on had worn off, I told him everything, still thinking I was doing the right thing by pushing you away while I went after LOCSAT. He then told me some hard truths about his addiction and my mother's OCD; things I had never known before."

Kate was silent as she reviewed that conversation with her Dad, and the revelations about her mom and her own issues. She wasn't sure how she could share those things with Rick, but she knew she had to. Maybe just not today, not while they were still driving and not able to give 100% concentration to each other. Maybe that would be saved for a therapy session.

"It was strange, because Lanie and the boys came to visit me in the hospital as well, and all of them read me the riot act about going out without backup, and the trouble I could have gotten into, not just getting shot. Those words did sink in, but I still thought it was worth the risk, if I could get rid of LOCSAT and secure our future. But when Dad spoke to me, all those other conversations came into a new focus, showing me for the first time how destructive my behaviour had been, and why it was happening. He reminded me that my mother was so addicted to her work, that she actually missed quite a few of my school events, because work was more important. And dad knew what she was doing with Pulgatti was dangerous, and he tried to warn her, but by then she was so far down the rabbit hole he had no hope of reaching her. I don't want that to happen to me, to us. I would die if I lost you. When I realised you had gone away to heal your heart, I almost left you to it, thinking that perhaps that was the best for you, because I have hurt you so much, put you in so much danger, all because of my selfish.." Kate was sobbing by now, and unable to continue, so she didn't even realise that Rick had pulled over and stopped the car. It was only when she felt his arms around her right side, undoing her seatbelt and pulling her into him that she jerked up and looked at him, noticing where they were. Then she leaned into his arms and continued sobbing, whispering brokenly "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" into his shirt. Rick leaned his cheek into her hair, and rubbed his hand gently up and down her back, but didn't say anything.


	21. Chapter 21

_Disclaimer: no copyright infringement intended, I make no money from my writing._

 _A/N: Thank you for your continued patience and support. I can't express how much it means to me._

 **CHAPTER 21**

It took a while for Kate to stop crying and calm down, but she clung onto Rick like a lifeline even after her sobs subsided. She was enjoying the closeness she had missed, that she had denied both of them for so long. But soon enough, Rick made moves to ease away gently, and she knew the moment was over. She wiped her tears with the backs of her hands and looked at him, nodding at the question in his eyes.

"Thanks for that Rick. Can we get going now? I feel the need to move."

"Sure." Rick replied, getting in around the driver's side again, and pulling back into the traffic. They drove in silence again for a few miles, before Kate decided she needed to continue the story.

"Dad and I had quite a few conversations over the next week, while I recuperated at his place, and it was the most we had spoken since before Mom died. We did a lot of reminiscing about Mom, but also reviewed a lot of her actions in light of what I now know. He finally made me realise that I wasn't going to get justice for anyone by chasing LOCSAT, because he was too big to actually go to trial. The best I could hope for was that he would disappear, but I would never actually know, and potentially someone else would just pick up where he left off, because there are always people willing to do that. What I would probably end up with is just dead, having achieved nothing. But in the interim, I blew off my marriage, the best thing that has ever happened to me, and made a lot more people miserable. There is nothing to guarantee that LOCSAT wouldn't go after you, Alexis, Martha, or my dad."

"So I put the investigation away. I spoke to Victoria Gates, and she knows about all of it, so if anything else does come up, she can be pre-warned. But I still have these compulsions that I need to learn how to control. Dr Burke reminded me that I can't do it on my own, I need a support network, and you have always been my best support. We took Bracken down together, and you stopped me from going down the rabbit hole so many times. So I need you by my side, Rick, and in exchange I will be the best wife I can be, that you deserve, for as long as you will have me."

Kate was watching Rick as she spoke, and she could see that the tension lines around his eyes were slightly softer this morning. She hoped that was a good sign, but she had determined not to assume anything about her husband any longer, and honour his request to be open and clear in their communications.

"So, Rick, tell me. What have you been up to in the busy town of Guthrie, Texas?"

Rick smiled, his face slowly returning to the way it was before their separation with each expression. He knew she was still fragile, raw from her recent crying jag, so he was happy to lighten the mood for a little while. He told her about Four Sixes ranch, how he got onto the owner's daughter for his initial research, and had a chance to chat to the ranch hands for research that never ended up in a book. Then he spoke about his weeks in the dorm house, his daily walks in the nearby hills and his weekly check-in calls with his daughter. He didn't mention his anguish at missing Christmas with his family, or his doubts early on that perhaps Kate wouldn't come after him. Even though he left these parts out, Kate could hear in his tone the melancholy of his solo existence. Rick was not someone who enjoyed being alone for long periods of time, he needed other people around to interact with, to bounce ideas off of, to care for and protect.

The rest of that day's drive was spent partly in silence, just enjoying each other's company again, getting back into sync with each other, and Kate listening to Rick talking about the residents of Guthrie, and the little stories he had made up about them to pass the time, like he always did when he was people watching. They both worked very hard to keep conversation and the mood in the car light, but Rick was very conscious that afternoon was coming on, and they would need to find somewhere for the night. He had to speak to Kate about his request for celibacy in the short term, and he was really not looking forward to that. When the road showed signs of a town ahead, with street lights starting to flicker on, they found a motel and a burger joint across the road. Kate offered to get dinner while Rick checked in, which gave him the perfect opportunity to ask for a room with two beds. That way, he figured she would bring up the topic and it would finally be out in the open.

When Kate returned with the takeout bags, Rick was in the doorway of their room, and had put their bags on each of the two double beds. Kate put the food on the table, then turned to Rick and raised her eyebrow. The gesture was so familiar he almost smiled, but knew he had to be serious for this conversation, so he just walked behind her to shut the door, then turned and sat down on his bed.

"Kate, we have a lot of things to discuss, a lot of issues to work through, and I think that is the most important thing you and I have to do, if we want to make this marriage work long term." He waited until she nodded, somewhat reluctantly, he could see she had no idea where this was going.

"You know that our sex life has always been explosive, we have never been one of those boring couples you were so worried about early on. But I have missed you so much, physically and emotionally, and I am afraid if we allow ourselves the physical intimacy we both crave, our discussions will become derailed and that would be disastrous. I think it's best that until we work out these issues, we abstain from physical intimacy. I hope you can understand."

"Oh, God" were the first words out of Kate's mouth, as she almost collapsed onto the dining chair she had been standing next to. They were whispered, as it seemed it was all the energy she could spare, but Rick heard them, and he could see that his request had struck her hard. He almost gave in then and there, watching her crumple. He stood up, and lifted her into his arms, to give her a hug. Abstaining from physical intimacy did not preclude him from giving her comfort.

Kate dropped her head onto his collarbone and sobbed, unable to control her reaction again. In her head, the only words repeating themselves were 'I did this to him'. He just held her, allowing her to work through it, sensing she needed his comfort, but also having no words he could give her right now – other than taking his last words back, which he could not do, for both their sakes.

It was only a minute or two later that Kate lifted her head and looked him in the eye, nodding again. She found her voice, and spoke again. "Of course, Rick, whatever you think is best. I am so sorry that I have hurt you so much that we are at this point. I am guessing hugs are ok though?" and she smiled through her tears, matching the small smile on his face as he nodded.

The hug was amazing, and Kate could have stayed in his arms forever, but if they were going to control their physical urges, she had to put some distance between them, so she disengaged her arms and sat down again, nodding him towards the other dining chair and dishing out the burgers. There was silence during the meal, slightly uncomfortable again, as the two stole glances at each other and at the two separate beds in the room. Of all the requests that Rick could have made about their journey going forward, this one really struck at the heart of them as a couple. They had sexual chemistry from the moment they met, and that tension had fuelled their first four years and was a part of the reason they worked together so well. The longing and the innuendo had certainly not diminished once they got together, indeed had made their relationship even stronger, and as Rick had said; they had never become that old boring married couple. It was also a way they gave comfort to each other, and showed how much they loved each other, and of course released tension after a hard day.

Independently, while looking at each other and finishing their dinner, they both decided that if they could put up with the tension for 4 years before they got together, they could put up with a few weeks (months?) of it to make their marriage stronger. They nodded and smiled at each other again, knowing what each had been thinking, grateful they were back on the same wavelength again.

They took turns in the bathroom for their nightly routines, and while they were in separate beds, this time the faced towards each other and smiled before they closed their eyes. This was just one more hurdle they could – and would – overcome for their always.

The next morning over breakfast, they decided to push through to the Beckett cabin as quickly as possible, taking turns driving. They needed to talk, but it wasn't easy with one of them needing to concentrate on driving at all times. Kate grabbed the keys to the SUV, and with a smirk on her face almost back to normal, she jumped in the driver's seat. Rick was happy to see this, and so he also smiled as he put their bags in the trunk. Just before he could hop in the front, he heard her say the words he had longed so much to hear.

"You coming, Castle?"


	22. Chapter 22

_Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever, owned Castle._

 _A/N: I am blown away flabbergasted that this little thing has 350 reviews. Thank you so very much for your continued support of this story, and deepest apologies I can't currently post as often as I would like. RL has a way of screwing with my plans. You will absolutely get my best work for this story, as quickly as I can manage it._

 **CHAPTER 22**

It took another two days to get to the cabin, but it seemed to go a lot faster with them both driving, the other dozing in the front seat. Conversation was light when they did speak, about events other than the major one in their lives. Kate talked about a few of the normal cases they had caught at the precinct, reassuring Rick he had not missed anything exciting. They giggled about Mia Laszlo's heightened sense of smell, and her reactions to Ryan and Esposito. Rick mentioned he enjoyed being a university professor for a brief period of time, and Kate admitted she found him very attractive with his glasses and tweed jacket. Rick then promised to add those items to their kinky dress-up box. Before that line of conversation could put their newly imposed self-control to the test, Kate changed the subject again, asking about Alexis. She knew that topic would lighten Rick up, and she wasn't disappointed when his face immediately softened as he spoke about his daughter, doing so well at college, and her plans for the future. He was not too happy she wanted to go to England over the summer, still having some hesitation about being in a different time zone after the events in Paris, but mostly because he knew he would miss her. The last months of only speaking to her weekly were difficult for him, he admitted, and he couldn't wait to hug his baby bird again.

At each stop and driver change, they hugged, enjoying the proximity they had, and often while driving one or the other would reach over and hold hands for a while. Kate called her dad and confirmed their arrival date at the cabin, still intensely curious about how her Dad had spoken to Rick before she had found him, but she saved that question for when they could concentrate on just each other. She also called Lanie and Ryan, knowing Espo would be on the call as well, and they each expressed their pleasure at hearing Rick's voice again. She kept those conversations short, just telling them where they would be and to get in touch through her Dad if required, but as she had no duties at the precinct, that was unlikely. Rick spoke to Alexis and Martha, who also said they were so pleased Rick and Kate were together again. Martha admonished them to just focus on each other, not to worry about anything or anyone else for now.

The last call before they lost signal near the cabin was to Dr Burke. Unlike the others, he was phlegmatic about them finally being together, but of course that was his usual demeanour. Kate felt like it was a mini phone consultation, because he told them to be totally honest with each other in their feelings, and to respect each other's thoughts without reacting in a negative way. He suggested that should one of them feel the need to get angry at the other, they should instead retreat to a neutral safe area, agreed to beforehand, for a period of time. When they were ready to return to New York, Dr Burke would fit them in for both solo and joint sessions. Rick confirmed he was happy to speak to Dr Burke rather than someone else, partly because Burke already knew most of their history, but also because he was not totally comfortable with therapy in the first place, and this seemed like an easier option than baring his soul to a total stranger. Kate could tell Rick was not fully comfortable, so she rang off with a promise to call when they were back in town, and they finished the drive to the cabin in silence.

It was the first time Rick had seen the cabin, and Kate was painfully aware that his memories would be difficult, recalling the time she had run away after her shooting and recovered in isolation, not contacting him for over 3 months. The parallels were not lost on either of them, but Kate took the bull by the horns and sat him down in the lounge once their bags were inside, and spoke about that time, why she needed to retreat and heal alone, why she didn't call anyone, not just Castle, but that she wanted him there every day. She allowed him to ask any questions he wanted to, took him for a walk to the lake, showed him the progress markers she had left for herself, how long it took to make it to the fallen log, the bend in the trail, the lakeshore. She also spoke about the therapy sessions she had with Burke when she returned, about getting stronger physically but also emotionally, and about how after a while most of her sessions were at least half about her partner.

These were things he had never heard, they had never discussed before, first in the blush of their new relationship because she was still reserved about appearing weak, and later because she thought they were past the point where she could talk about that period in her life. But now she recognised that to move forward with their current challenge, she would have to put that previous situation to rest, especially as they were staying here in her self-imposed prison.

By the time she finished, it was dark outside, and so they decided to prepare some dinner and enjoy their first night here, both grateful they had picked up some groceries on the way through town, as there was no food at all in the cabin, and it was a long way for takeout and no deliveries. They worked together in the kitchen as if they had not been apart, so in tune even in this small space, and soon enough they were sitting down to dinner by candlelight. Over dinner Rick asked a couple more questions about her last stay here, and he spoke about how lost he had felt without her, able to be totally honest for the first time. He realised that he had never shared his anguish with her, for fear of scaring her off about the depth of his feelings. He wondered out loud how she would have reacted to that when she was still so fragile, and Kate admitted she probably would have run again, not being ready for that, and certainly not allowing that she deserved that from anyone, least of all Rick.

The conversation had emotionally drained both of them, and they prepared for bed. This was when Kate revealed there were only two bedrooms, with one bed each, her old room in the attic and her parents' room in the main part of the house. Rick was not prepared to be that far separated from her, so he asked if she thought they could share a bed without getting 'distracted'. Kate agreed, and they both snuggled under the sheets after a goodnight hug. Kate hesitantly reached out towards Rick and found his hand in between them, tangling their fingers and squeezing while she whispered 'I love you'. Rick smiled and responded with 'Always'. They both drifted off to sleep more at peace than they had been for the last three months, and slept with no dreams until the sun was peeking through the curtains.

The next morning, after breakfast, they designated the attic room as the safe neutral zone, and agreed that if one of them needed to calm down, the other would allow them solitude for 30 minutes with no interruptions. Kate then took out her notebook and started at the beginning again, but this time, she paused when she could see Rick wanted to interject.

For some of his questions, she had no answers. She didn't have any proof that either Vikram or Rita was who they said they were, and that their intentions were in Kate's interest. After she admitted that, Rick took his first trip to the attic. When she spoke about the failed drug exchange, and how she got shot, he went upstairs again. Then he came straight back down, and asked to see her wound, the pain clear on his face. She shrugged her sweater off her shoulder and exposed the bullet wound to his gentle fingers. She allowed him to look and touch as much as he needed to, and hoped he would speak. But Rick just gently pulled her sweater up again, and returned upstairs.

It was almost an hour before he returned, but she was determined to give him whatever he needed. When she heard movement upstairs she put the kettle on, and was waiting with two coffees when he walked into the kitchen. He smiled at her as he took the mug, and she could see the tracks of tears on his face, but chose to not mention them until he did.

So far she had done most of the talking, and he had used the safe zone. When he questioned her judgement that she was the only one who could avenge Rachel McCord, and left him to be kidnapped and tortured by spiders, her first reaction was unbridled anger and she ran to the attic. Of all people, she had expected Rick to understand her need for justice. He shouldn't ask her or expect her to just stand by when someone asked her for help. Then she looked at herself in her old bedroom mirror and was horrified at what she saw.

Rick was sitting on the lounge, his head in his hands. At the first sign of resistance, Kate had reverted to her vigilante persona and ran. Yes, it was only to the attic room, but that may be just because he was blocking the clear way to the front door. All his hopes that she could put this aside, they could work together, were crumbling around him. He didn't even look up when he heard her footsteps on the stairs.

"Rick." No reaction.

"Rick, please." Still nothing.

She knelt down in front of him, and took his hands in hers, then lifted his chin until he was looking at her again. He could see the tracks of her tears, but she was fully focussed on him.

"I am so sorry, Rick. I had no right to get angry at you just then. I know you would never ask me to give up my quest for justice for others, and you were just trying to make me see what my decisions were costing us. But I don't know how to stop that reaction; I don't know how I can move past it to have a normal conversation, a normal life."

Rick was silent for a while longer, but he was holding onto her hands and looking into her eyes. He could see that she was genuinely sorry for getting angry just then, and that she wanted to get better for him, for them.

"You can do it Kate, we can do it, but not alone. We can use this time to be totally honest with each other, as we have been, and bring to light all those things that have been causing trouble between us. Any conflicts we can't resolve easily we will make note of, and make sure we raise those first with Dr Burke once we are back in the city. He will have the tools to help us, I am sure."

Rick was so confident that they could do it, so positive that they were going to work things out and get back to their happy marriage, that Kate could do nothing but fall weeping into his arms. He was a little shocked, and was trying to pull her back so he could see her face, try and work out why she was suddenly crying again. Kate clutched his biceps and through sobs explained 'I'm just so happy and lucky to have you in my life, believing in us, I won't let you down this time Rick, I promise'.

So Rick held her, rubbing his hands up and down her back, and allowed her to get this latest emotional jag out of her system. He was also thinking about his reaction to her running upstairs, and what that said about his faith in her. She had said numerous times over the last few days that Rick and their relationship was her first priority, and she had proved it by putting the rest of her life – her career – on hold while she focused on him. And yet his first thought when she made use of the neutral zone Dr Burke had told them to set up, he had jumped to the conclusion that she was reverting to form, when in fact he was the one who lost faith so quickly. He silently berated himself and promised to be more patient moving forward. He became aware of the sound of Kate's soft breaths as she hung onto him and calmed herself. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and then bent his neck to the side so he could look at her face.

Even when she was crying, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and he considered himself lucky that she had chosen him, wanted to stay married to him. He tried but could not imagine either of his ex-wives, nor any of the more serious girlfriends he had in the past, would be this open with him, would be willing to put in the work. But Kate Beckett was worth it.


	23. Chapter 23

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 **CHAPTER 23**

They left heavy conversations aside for the rest of that day by mutual consent, and just enjoyed being together again, doing simple domestic tasks side by side. Kate took Rick out to the lake, told him about the 747 steps it took her from cabin stoop to jetty, and how long it took her to make it there just the once. She also showed him the little collection of pebbles she took out there as proof of each successful trip, and they spent a pleasant half hour skipping those and other stones across the water's surface as the sun set.*

They prepared dinner side by side, ate mostly in silence frequently glancing at the other, and getting lost in each other's eyes, then went to bed taking turns for their night routines in the tiny bathroom, holding hands across the sheets as they had the night before.

The next day they continued their conversations, Kate talking about her LOCSAT investigation and allowing Rick to ask questions as he needed. Rick tried very hard not to get angry at the decisions that Kate had made with regards to her wellbeing, about going up against a huge, faceless enemy on her own. He explained that he could understand that Kate wanted to protect him, and Alexis and Martha, but by putting herself in the firing line she was hurting all of them, and if Kate was to be killed, his life would not be worth living any longer. She had no right to make that sort of decision for the both of them. She needed to recognise that she was a part of his family as well, and needed to be as safe as the rest of them. Kate listened while Rick spoke, and bit her tongue quite firmly so she wouldn't interject, and allowed him to finish.

"Rick, I am the one with the gun, and the badge, and the authority. Or, at least I was. It's my job to protect you, not the other way around. There have been and there will be cases at the precinct that I can't share with you, for reasons of state or national security. Whatever it takes, I will do, to protect those I love."

"I understand all that, Kate, and with any normal precinct business, I would be the first to get out of your way. But that is not what we are talking about here, is it? We are talking about a case that has links to your mother's murder, and when that comes into play, you go into vigilante mode." As he said this, he could see her eyes flash. He didn't want a repeat of yesterday, so he backed off a little.

"All I am saying is that when it comes to the safety of our family, we need to make those decisions together. No more lies, no more secrets, no more running off alone. Can you see that?"

"Yes, Rick, I understand." Rick was happy with this acknowledgement, although he knew this was by no means settled. He took a moment to compose himself, and then asked the next question.

"Tell me about the shooting Kate. You mentioned before that your dad, Lanie and the boys came to see you. What happened there?"

Kate knew this part was going to be painful for her, and may cause him to be angry again, but she didn't want to hold anything back. She started with her talk with Lanie that morning, then told him about Esposito covering for her at the precinct, and what Lanie said to her in the hospital. As she was explaining, Rick interrupted.

"So you told Lanie in the morning that you were going to put it aside and find me, and then ran straight back at the case when a hint of a clue came along? Seriously? No wonder she had a go at you!"

"Well, no, she didn't," Kate started, sounding like she was defending her actions again, but Rick was already on his feet and he disappeared up the stairs. Kate wasn't sure if he was angry about the fact that she had changed her mind once about finding him, or if he was still upset about her getting shot, and not having proper backup, but she was determined to wait him out, give him the time he needed to work through this, just like Dr Burke advised them. She sat quietly with her hands crossed in her lap, reviewing the last couple of days in preparation for what else they needed to cover. Something struck her as odd, just as Rick came back downstairs, seeming to have gotten control over himself, and offered her a coffee. She gladly accepted, and waited until he had prepared everything and brought it over to the coffee table. Once they had each consumed their drinks, she raised her concern.

"Rick, something is bothering me about yesterday, and I hope you will bear with me. You retreated to the attic room twice yesterday, and once already this morning."

"Yes, that is what you said Dr Burke suggested we do, to work out our anger without causing harm. I am not sure counting the number of times we use it is going to be conducive to moving forward."

"No, Rick, I am not counting how many times you get angry enough to have to leave the room, heaven knows you have more than enough reason to be angry with a lot of my actions over the last three months. But the aims of the room are so you can calm down, and consider why what you heard made you angry and what the correct response should be. When you went up there, I waited patiently, allowing you to work through the feelings and issues, before we could continue. However, the first time I used the room, I came down to you being lost and dejected, as if I had run away from the conversation, and you were non responsive to me. If you are going to have that reaction each time I go to the room, I am less likely to use it and that defeats the purpose of having it. So you need to accept the use of that room is not just me running out on you again. Please."

As she spoke, Rick's face turned more and more horrified, as realisation dawned on him how his reaction had looked to her. He was so used to her first instinct being to run away, that he had automatically assumed that is what she was doing, even though she had clearly stated numerous times over the last week that she was done running, and they had explicitly agreed to the use of the safe room. And by reacting the way he had, she could clearly see that he had lost faith, and he could see how that would deter her from using the room again. God, how had it come to this, that _he_ was sabotaging their progress? When he looked up, Kate was still patiently looking at him, and he was tempted to look away again, ashamed that he had made this harder for her.

"I am sorry, Kate, that I reacted that way. Obviously I have knee jerk reactions I need to control too. Of course both of us need to feel free to use the attic room as it was intended, and I will make sure I keep that in mind in future. Now, it's almost lunchtime, how about I make us some sandwiches and sit out by the lake?"

"Sounds great, Rick." She gave him one of those special smiles, the ones reserved just for him that lit up her whole face, and their world was righted again.

 _AN. *There are some writers who are so good, can make you feel their stories so much, that their stories become your canon. One such is Liv Wilder, who wrote a great 'fix-it' post ep for 47 Seconds that I think is more in line with Castle's character by this point than what we saw in The Limey. The Beckett cabin, the 747 steps and the pebbles I have borrowed from her story "Not Ready to Make Nice" with her permission for which I am very grateful. If you haven't already, go read it and you will get lost in her world like I did._


	24. Chapter 24

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 **CHAPTER 24**

They spent the afternoon talking more about her recovery after the shooting, and the conversations she had with her Dad. Finally she found out how her dad had managed to speak to Rick before she found him, and was grateful to Alexis for allowing that contact to be made. Jim Beckett was always a fan of Rick Castle; could see clearer than she how good Castle was for her, and had obviously worked to get them back together. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about her dad sharing the information about her mum's problems, but at least that meant that she didn't have to try and articulate them. She firmly believed her dad about them, and could actually recall some instances where cases were more important than their family time, but she was not ready to vocalise that just yet. Her mother was still on that pedestal that time tends to put our departed loved ones onto, and she wasn't sure she was ready to bring her off there just yet.

In between these conversations, they also reconnected as a married couple, doing things that would be considered domestic or boring to most people – washing, cooking, cleaning, walking in the woods, some fishing, and swimming in the lake – although this was short-lived, as the water was still cold. Kate noticed that Rick reached out for her more often, linking their hands, putting his arm around her shoulders, cuddling her in closer at night in bed. While there was still no intimacy, there was more physicality, but she dared not bring attention to it, in case it stopped. She did respond in like manner, and enjoyed being so close to her husband again.

Soon enough they came to the end of the difficult conversations, of full disclosure regarding the last few months. They rehashed some situations, Rick asking questions in different ways, seeking to understand her decisions, her actions, but they quickly realised they had gotten as far as they could without some professional help. They recognised that there were some issues they would need to revisit with Dr Burke, and seek his guidance on how to accept and move on. Rick was slowly realising that perhaps the solo sessions for him would be of more use than he thought, as he was noticing some traits and reactions in himself he was not happy with. He did not share these with Kate, not because he wanted to keep secrets, but because he figured he needed to clearly identify them first, understand them, and then be able to articulate them in a way that would benefit their relationship, not damage it further.

The next morning, they made the mutual decision to head back to the city, and get their sessions with Dr Burke started. They drove to the nearest town for lunch, and made the call to book in a time, and Dr Burke agreed to block out the afternoon for them, an individual session each then a joint one. He suggested they don't book anything else until after that, as he would have a better idea of what was required at the end of the day.

Plans being made, they spent the rest of that day and the next just enjoying each other's company, relaxing in the cabin and breathing in the surroundings, aiming to take the peace of the forest back with them. The touching continued, and Kate's heart skipped a beat each time she felt Rick's hand on her skin. That night, when they were cuddled together in bed, she took a chance and lifted their joined hands to her lips and brushed a soft kiss across his knuckles. Rick's reaction was to squeeze her hand and bring her in tighter to his chest, and gently kiss the tip of her ear. They fell asleep with wide smiles on both their faces.

 _A/N: this is a shorter chapter, a transition from one part of the story to the next. For those who wanted to see the discussions Kate and Rick had while at the cabin, I declined to write them, as you dear reader are already aware of exactly what happened with Kate, and she will definitely explore them in great detail with Dr Burke. So you will get to read it again in that context, and I didn't want to waste words by writing them a third time with Rick. I highlighted a few of the more 'controversial' situations as I wanted to explore his reactions to those, but overall the trip to the cabin was only the start of the healing process, the disclosure of all events following her departure from the loft. The real healing will begin once they start working with Dr Burke. Thanks as always for your ongoing support._


	25. Chapter 25

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 **CHAPTER 25**

They took their time the next morning, packing up the cabin and locking it, making sure there were no food scraps to attract forest scavengers. Then they drove to the nearest town and had a late breakfast there, taking their time over coffee and enjoying the last few hours of being alone together. Rick had confirmed they would both return to the loft, and Martha and Alexis lived elsewhere now, but back in the city there would be more calls on their time and attention. They dropped their bags in the master bedroom, there being no question of them sharing the space again, and called a town car for Dr Burke's office.

Dr Burke's secretary greeted Kate as she always did, and showed them into a private waiting room where they would sit while the individual sessions were on. This was much more comfortable for both Kate and Rick, who had reservations about sitting in the common waiting area, not knowing who may walk in or past. The room was equipped with a water cooler and some magazines, and they made themselves comfortable on the tan leather couches.

After a few minutes Dr Burke himself came to see them, and chatted briefly with them, before sharing his intentions for the afternoon.

"Kate, Mr Castle, I initially booked these three sessions for you with the individual ones first then a joint one, but I think we should do the opposite. Start with the joint one first, then you can decide who wants to go first for the solo sessions. How does that sound?"

Rick and Kate looked at each other, and then nodded, and Rick spoke.

"Whatever you think best, Dr Burke, and please, call me Rick. Mr Castle makes me sound too old." There was a twinkle in his eye as he said this, and Kate was glad to see the humour coming back into their interactions.

"OK, then, come on through." Dr Burke ushered them into his office, and made his way to his usual chair, to the left of the row of windows. Rick hung back and watched Kate as she took her seat opposite Dr Burke, so he made his way past her to the chair closest to the windows on the right hand side of the conversation area. He saw Kate toe off her shoes – flats, which he was still not fully used to seeing on her – and pull her legs up underneath her. Only after she was comfortable did Dr Burke speak again.

"Kate, I know we have spoken a few times in here and on the phone about your current situation. What would you like us to start with today?"

"As you know, we spent the last week or so at the family cabin, talking about what happened the last three months. I have told Rick about everything that happened since I walked out on our marriage" she cringed as she said this, but continued; "and what I was feeling and thinking at the time. We also agreed on a couple of rules for this period of our lives, one that we would be totally honest with each other, and two, …" here she paused, glancing at Rick, and took a deep breath before going on; "there would be no physical intimacy until we had resolved our issues."

There was silence until Dr Burke asked "was that your request Kate?"

"No, that was mine." Rick spoke for the first time in the room, and his voice showed how uncomfortable he was with the whole idea of therapy. Dr Burke just glanced at him, and nodded for him to continue.

"Kate and my physical relationship was always explosive, we have this most amazing chemistry that existed since we met. We get so lost in each other that nothing else matters. I was afraid that if we were to …. Be intimate again ….. before we had sorted out these issues, we would get distracted and get off course, and revert to how we were before she walked out, with nothing being resolved and nothing changing." Rick was looking at his hands, and Kate could see he was embarrassed, and she bit her tongue to stop herself from interjecting.

Dr Burke just nodded at Rick again, and kept looking at him and eventually Rick felt he had to fill in the silence. "I love Kate with all my heart and soul, but I know that because of my feelings she can hurt me more than anyone else ever has. If she was to walk out again, I don't know what I would do. I need to get our relationship back to an even keel, for us to be equal partners, with no distractions."

Dr Burke could see that Rick had reached the end of what he was willing to say, and was surprised he had spoken so much. Kate had previously told him that Rick was not one for therapy, so this must be very hard for him. To help him out, and to move the conversation forward, he looked at Kate.

"And how do you feel about this, Kate?"

Kate looked at Dr Burke, knowing the question was coming, but not really prepared to answer it. She also understood, from many of these sessions previously, that he wanted her to verbalise her answer not just for him and herself, but for Rick as well. She remembered she had agreed very quickly when Rick asked, feeling bad that she had pushed him to this, but she certainly was not totally comfortable about it. This room was only for total honesty, so she gathered her words and started.

"My first thought when he told me was Oh God, that I had pushed him so far away from me, because as he said we were always so compatible. I agreed, of course, because I want to do everything in my power to show him I am committed to him now, and however he wants us to do that, I must accept. But I missed my husband; I still miss him, even though we have been physically close again, holding hands and hugging since I found him."

"Do you remember when you and I spoke as you were following Rick in his car? I told you that you needed to think about what you were and were not prepared to do? You just said 'however he wants us to do that, I must accept.' That is not true Kate; you don't have to accept anything Rick asks, just as he doesn't have to accept anything you ask. You have both expressed a desire to be equal partners in the relationship, but it sounds like you are giving in to whatever Rick wants just so you can have him back. As with most things in a relationship, in a marriage, you need to reach a compromise you are both happy with."

Kate had gotten up while Burke was speaking, and was now pacing around his office, obviously agitated. When he finished, she looked at him, then her gaze lingered on Rick, her anguish clear on her face.

"I hurt him, so many times; this is just the latest occurrence. It has always been about what I want, what I think is best for us to do. He needs to be in control-"

"No, Kate, it's not about control." This was Rick, now also standing up, and facing her, blocking her pacing. Burke was still sitting gazing at them in silence.

"I need you to be in this relationship, as much as I am. I have been in love with you for a long time, years before you let me in and allowed me to love you. That sort of one sided partnership is not healthy, just like you making all the decisions that impact on both of us is not healthy. We need to be equal partners, sharing everything and working things out together. I want to make love to you so much it's a physical ache, but without getting to the bottom of why you walked away from me, and making sure it doesn't happen again, I am just setting myself up for heartache again by allowing you all the way back into my heart and soul again. You had walls when I met you, protecting you from being hurt again. I had to build those walls around my heart the last three months, so I could continue to function as a human being for my mother and daughter. Making love to you will break down those walls again, and then I have nothing to protect me."

There was silence in the room again after Rick finished, the two standing just staring at each other, Rick willing her to understand, Kate stunned again at how much she had hurt him, that he had to protect his heart from her. Once again, she wondered if she was doing the right thing for him, by trying to win him back. Perhaps he was better off without her. She dropped her chin to her chest, her hair falling in a curtain and hiding most of her face from her husband.

Burke noted the time and spoke into the silence.

"What are you thinking, Kate? Do you want to continue here, or in private session?"

Kate's head snapped up, staring straight at Dr Burke. Then she nodded, not once looking at Rick, who took the cue to make his way over to the door of the private waiting area. Only once the lock clicked did she move to sit down again. She took a breath to gather her thoughts, then looked Dr Burke in the eye as she said the words she was dreading.

"Maybe he is better off without me after all."

 _TBC_

 _A/N: the next couple of chapters will deal with this session with Dr Burke, and I have found them difficult to write, not being a therapist. I have used Garrae's stories What's in a Name and Resurgence for inspiration of Dr Burke, so those parts I got right are thanks to him. The wrong bits are all mine. Apologies for how long a break it has been between weekends, first I had no internet and then I have been sick. We should be back to normal programing now._


	26. Chapter 26

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Thanks for your patience with this chapter. I wanted to get their first solo therapy sessions right. It's still not perfect, but enough for now. I am determined to finish this story before the next Ficathon starts, as I intend to participate in that as well and I doubt I can concentrate on two separate plotlines or do them justice._

 **CHAPTER 26**

" _Maybe he is better off without me after all."_

Dr Burke was taken aback by this statement, but he remembered that Kate Beckett was the most selfless person he had ever met, never believing she deserved the things most humans took for granted.

"Do you really believe that, Kate?"

Kate shook her head, but her eyes were still downcast. "I don't know what to think, Dr Burke. I need him, like I need air. I feel incomplete without him. I have never needed anyone in my life like this. But all I seem to do is hurt him, push him away, and he deserves so much more than this broken excuse of a human being as his wife." She gave no other signs of it, but tears were silently coursing down her cheeks.

"Once again, Kate, you are making decisions for him. What he needs, what he deserves. Don't you think he should have a say in those things?"

"He is such a good man, such a selfless man, that every time I push him away, he just comes back, forgives me, keeps loving me. You heard him; he has built a wall around his heart to protect himself. He has never done that before. But still, he is here with me, willing to come to therapy with me. But should he have to? I don't know."

"Kate, the first thing you need to stop doing is making decisions for other people. Rick is a grown man, with a daughter of his own, and he has lived a life before he met you. He is, by all accounts, a successful businessman, who has managed his affairs well enough that his family is looked after for the rest of their lives. Don't you think he is smart enough to make his own judgements about what he should and should not do?"

"Yes." The answer was quiet, and she said nothing further.

"I think your second challenge, and I have touched on this before in our sessions, is what you think YOU deserve. Why don't you think you deserve a good man like Rick as your husband?"

"I…. I'm just a cop, just a nobody, and he is this famous mystery writer, with women falling at his feet everywhere he goes. He has dated models, and actresses. He could have anyone he wanted…."

"Yes, and as you have said before, he has chosen you. He followed you for 4 years, being by your side investigating murders, putting his body on the line right alongside yours. You told me he admitted to you it wasn't about the books for a long time. Why can't you accept that?"

"I don't know."

"Kate, you are a successful woman, the youngest female detective in the NYPD, the youngest female precinct captain, your case closure rate is public record. Yes, Rick's books put you on the world stage, but it was your actions, your talents that gave him the material to do that. You are not 'just a cop' and I think you know that. But you have a hard time accepting praise and compliments."

There was silence as Kate absorbed all this, knowing deep down that Dr Burke was right, that everything he said was true. He would not inflate her ego, in fact at times in the past when she tried to bluff him, he called her on her bullshit.

"Part one of your homework Kate, before our next solo session, is to figure out why you think you don't deserve the good things in life. I want you to accept whatever compliments you are given, say thank you to the person who offers them, and write them down, along with your feelings about them. The second part of the homework is to talk to Rick about all the possible life decisions you two could face in the next three months, write a list and discuss your potential decisions together and individually."

With that Burke stood, and waited until she did the same before he walked towards the door. When she caught up with him, she opened the door and ushered her in, then waved to Rick to come in. Rick looked at Kate, knowing what she was like after these sessions, and gave her a hug on the way past, but no words were exchanged. Rick took the seat Kate had vacated, and when Dr Burke had taken his position again, Rick opened the conversation.

"She is giving up on me, isn't she?"

Dr Burke knew that these two people had an uncommon connection. He remembered Kate mentioning that Rick knew what she was thinking, and often gave her what she needed almost before she could even ask for it. No wonder then that Rick could look at his wife's face, and take what she had said at the end of their joint session, and figure out what she was thinking. Rather than answering his question, though, which was not his role, he turned it around on Rick.

"What makes you say that, Rick?"

Rick took a deep breath, and then laid out the evidence as he saw it. "The way she wouldn't look at me at the end of our session, the way she talked about how she keeps hurting me, and the fact that even after all this time, me telling her I love her so often, and I had hoped _showing_ her that she was the only one I wanted, she still doesn't believe she deserves me. And now, with this latest issue, her first instinct is still to run, to get away by herself. I once accused her of keeping one foot out the door in relationships, and running when things got serious, but I had hoped she was over that now." Rick fell silent, clenching his hands together and keeping his head down. Dr Burke observed him for a few minutes, and when he could see that Rick had nothing further to say, he reviewed his notes again, and decided on a different topic to start with.

"Rick, I believe Kate is your third wife. Can you tell me how your other two marriages ended?"

Rick's head snapped up, and he glared at Dr Burke. Obviously this was a sore spot for him.

"What does that have to do with getting Kate better? I don't think dredging up my past is going to help out future." His face was locked down, and his mouth was a firm line as he continued to glare.

"Sometimes if we don't learn from our past, we are destined to relive our mistakes." He held up a hand to forestall Rick speaking, " I am not saying you made mistakes with those marriages, but I need to understand where you are coming from as well as I understand Kate, if I am to help you together." His voice was still low and calm, which strangely frustrated Rick, who wanted to rant about privacy and storm out, but had enough self-control not to. He promised Kate he would come to therapy for her sake, so he would give it his best shot. Rick took another moment to breathe deeply, square his shoulders, and then began.

"Meredith, my first wife, was fun. We were both young, I was successful and had money, so I was living the celebrity lifestyle. If she hadn't gotten pregnant, we would have gone our separate ways after a few months. But she did get pregnant, and I was so desperate for a family that I immediately proposed and set up for our happily ever after. Meredith didn't want to get married, she didn't want to keep the baby," here his voice hitched, thinking about his life without Alexis," but I convinced her it was going to be great. She whinged and complained about everything to do with the pregnancy, and straight after she gave birth to Alexis, she hired a personal trainer to get her figure back. She refused to breastfeed Alexis, and in fact within 3 months she was back working all hours. I didn't mind so much, because I was caring for Alexis, and I could write from home. As time went on, Meredith was away from home more and more, sometimes she wouldn't actually come home at night, making all sorts of excuses. I had my suspicions but I was so involved in my baby girl that I didn't give them any credence. Until one day, when I had meetings with my publisher, and Meredith had agreed to stay home to look after Alexis. The meetings ended early, and I was so keen to get back that I didn't call to say I was on my way. When I arrived, I could hear Alexis crying from her room, and my first thought was that something had happened to Meredith." Rick paused here, to gather his thoughts, and Dr Burke could see that this memory was still painful for him, even after all these years.

"Meredith was in our room, in our bed, straddling her director. He had the decency to look ashamed, as he gathered his clothes and bolted. She just glared at me then went upstairs to the guest bathroom. I went to look after Alexis, packed our things and checked into a hotel. When I returned a couple of days later, there were divorce papers on the kitchen counter, and she cited abandonment as the reason, but there was no mention of Alexis. I figured she could have whatever she wanted, as long as I got full custody, and I didn't see her again for about 3 years. Alexis sometimes asked for her mother, she was too young to really understand what was going on, and I didn't want to impose my negativity onto her, so I just told her Meredith was working. Every couple of years, Meredith would blow into town, she would spend a few hours with Alexis, I would sleep with her, and then she would be gone again. Now she is more like the crazy aunt than a mother to Alexis, but it's been a hard road."

Rick paused again, no doubt reliving some of these uncomfortable memories, and bracing himself for the next round. Dr Burke studied him, while reviewing what he had already learnt. Meredith was obviously unsuited to marriage and motherhood, and Rick had done everything he could to compensate for that, but she had still cheated on him and left him with a young child. That sort of betrayal and abandonment left a mark on people.

"Gina was my publisher, and we had a good working relationship. She had been my date to a few functions where I needed one, to keep up my playboy image, and we found some interests in common. This was around the time that I felt Alexis really needed a mother figure; she would soon be asking questions I was not able to answer. As I said, Gina and I worked well, and she did show an interest in Alexis, so I thought it would be a good solution. I don't think I ever loved her, and I certainly did not let her close enough to Alexis to actually become a mother figure. For her part, she wanted to be married to Rick Castle the famous author, to be wined and dined and constantly on page 6. She was less interested in Richard Castle the loving father, who would much rather stay at home to watch movies with his daughter or take her ice skating. She also thought that by being married to me, she could control my writing. To her, it's like any normal job, if you sit down for 8 hours, you get a set amount of work done. She could never understand that is not how it works. So we clashed from fairly early on, and eventually I decided that environment was not good for any of us. The divorce was more amicable than the first one, but it still took a little while until we could work together effectively again."

"She is still your publisher?" Dr Burke was stunned that he still had a working relationship with this woman; that was definitely strange. Having relatively close relationships with ex-partners was a lofty ideal, but Dr Burke knew it hardly ever worked like that in real life. Rick was obviously trying very hard to keep in contact with those two women, one for the sake of his daughter, the other perhaps for the sake of his career, and that was obviously impacting him as well.

"Yes, she is very good at her job, and despite everything else, she has always done the right thing by my career. We gave it another go about six years ago, but within a couple of weeks I knew it was never going to work between us. I was already in love with Kate, but she was with someone else at that time, and I thought I was graciously getting out of her way, and Gina was … convenient. I still regret that time, especially for using Gina in such a way."

Dr Burke spent a few moments again, reviewing the notes he had made as Rick was speaking, and noticed that in both cases, Rick had been selfless, trying to please other people, who it seemed had no such concerns about his needs. He determined that Rick was perhaps insecure deep down, and needed other people to validate his worth. This was directly in contravention of what Dr Burke had seen of Richard Castle in the press, the arrogant millionaire playboy, but perhaps that was Rick's way of dealing with it, hiding behind a mask. He wanted to come back to one other point before he continued.

"Rick, you mentioned when you were speaking about Meredith that you were desperate for a family. Why is that?"

"I … It's always just been my mother and me. She doesn't know who my father was, or won't tell me. She does say she loved him, and is grateful to him for giving her me, but other than that she is very tight lipped, which is very unusual for my mother. It was only in elementary school that I realised most other kids had fathers in their lives, and I got teased a lot because I had a single mother, an actress no less. I got into so many fist fights about that, it was the reason I was expelled from quite a few schools. Eventually my mother was able to afford boarding schools, while she toured with various stage productions, and it was less of an issue. People still ask me if I miss having a father, but I don't think you can miss what you never had. But I was determined that no child of mine was going to go through that, and while I was still young, I wanted to have that chance to be a family."

Dr Burke looked at Rick, and while he spoke lightly of not having a father, Burke could see that it did bother him that the man had not bothered to be a part of his life. So, Rick had two examples of personal abandonment, and low self-esteem, even when he was at the top of his field. Dr Burke was starting to think that perhaps Rick had a few issues of his own that would benefit from therapy, not just to help Kate. Noting the time, he started to wrap up the session.

"Rick, I can tell you that Kate is not giving up on you, but is concerned that you deserve better than her, so I think she is giving up on herself. She has deep seated issues about her self-worth, which I think you have also. You have hidden yours behind a playboy media image, while she retreats into herself and does not ask for anything from anyone, trying to be self-reliant."

"Yes, but she doesn't need to be, she has me now. I have always said to her I will be there, right by her side, that she's not alone. When I left three months ago was the first time I wasn't there for her. Maybe if I hadn't done that-"

"No, Rick, I think you did the right thing by removing yourself from that situation. I believe you are right when you say that if things hadn't come to a head, nothing would change. But you need to be strong enough to see things through now, and have faith that Kate will do the same. Now, our time is almost up, so I have some homework for you before our next session. I would like you to reflect on the ways that you compensate – currently, and in the past – for the abandonment you have experienced."

"You should also know that I gave Kate some homework which is for both of you, to think about and write down all the possible life decisions you two could face in the next three months, and discuss your potential decisions together and individually."

"OK" Rick murmured, his face downcast. Homework had never been his favourite thing to do, and on top of therapy, which he didn't believe in, it was that much worse. At least he could do part of the homework with Kate, working on their life moving forward. The other part, about abandonment, he blocked from his mind for a while, because that brought up all sorts of pain he wasn't ready to deal with just yet. He gathered himself and stood up.

"Thank you, Dr Burke, we will see you again soon." Rick couldn't wait to get out of there, meet up with Kate again, and get back to the loft. He shook hands with Dr Burke, who then guided him towards the waiting room door. Nothing else was spoken until the three of them were together again, and Dr Burke was making arrangements with Kate for the next appointments. Rick had zoned out, reviewing the conversation with the therapist, and Kate had to grab his arm to pull his attention to her enough to follow her down to the carpark. He didn't even complain when she hopped in the driver's seat and took them back to the loft. Kate was concerned about Rick's withdrawal, but determined to give him some time and got started on cooking dinner while Rick moved to his study.

TBC


	27. Chapter 27

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 **CHAPTER 27**

Dinner was ready, and still Rick had not emerged from his study, and Kate was getting really worried about him. Her brain was full of fear that she had pushed him away for good with this therapy session, that he finally realised she wasn't worth all the effort and pain he had gone through. She plated up and then moved towards the office, finding it dark and empty. She continued to the bedroom, finally spotting Rick sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. Her guilt was again stabbing her gut and twisting the knife, and that pain was what he saw on her face when he looked up in response to her step.

"Dinner is ready" she said, when the silence and the staring became uncomfortable. It had been a long time since they had felt this tension in their mutual silence.

"Thanks, I am sorry I wasn't there to help" Rick whispered, his voice rough from non-use over the last hour or so. He stood up and reached out for her, and they walked back to the dining room hand in hand.

"Are you OK?" Kate asked, although she could clearly tell he was not. She just wasn't sure what was going on in his head and she wanted to give him the opportunity to broach the topic in his own way.

"Yeah, I just.." her wordsmith husband was at a loss for words. This was definitely not good. They took their seats at the table and it wasn't until the salad was gone that Rick spoke again.

"Is it always like that? Therapy, I mean? I feel like I have been flayed alive and someone has rooted around in my entrails with a wire brush." Kate smiled at the image he painted, because even with everything else going on, he was so great at painting a picture, and then she nodded.

"Yes, and it doesn't really get any easier with time either. In the early days, I made sure I had nothing else on after a session for at least 12 hours, for recovery time. Even Lanie knew not to call me on those days."

There was silence again as they ate, but now it was just them, no more discomfort. Rick was obviously still thinking about things, and Kate was more than willing to give him the time. Their next session with Dr Burke was in two days, as he thought it best to have a day between for homework and reflection.

After dinner, Rick helped Kate to clean up, and they were again in sync as they moved around each other in the kitchen like a well-rehearsed dance. Kate took the opportunity to touch Rick lightly when she passed, his arm, his back, his shoulder, just gentle touches to reassure him she was still there and willing to wait him out. They then took their wine glasses to the couch, sitting with Rick's arm around Kate's shoulder and her snuggled into his chest. They sipped their wine, both knowing that words would have to come, but not in any hurry tonight. Eventually Rick's natural chatterbox personality came to the fore.

"Do you mind if we don't talk about the homework tonight? I just want to relax for now. We can discuss it in the light of day tomorrow."

"Sure thing, babe. How about a movie?" Kate was happy to take his lead on this; she was also dreading the homework.

"No, I don't think I have the attention span for a movie tonight. Can we just cuddle?"

"You never have the attention span for a movie, Castle; you are always flitting around getting snacks, or critiquing the writing, or the acting. You have the attention span of a goldfish!" Kate deliberately put lightness in her tone, teasing her husband to break him out of the melancholy for a little while, and luckily he picked up on it.

"You wound me detective; you know full well that you can capture my undivided attention at any time for as long as you want it. And when you are sitting next to me, there is no movie ever made that could distract me from you." The smile on his face was small, but genuine, and Kate swallowed a sigh of relief. She smiled back, and snuggled into his chest a little more, and they both sipped their wine in silence.

The evening passed, both enjoying each other's company with no expectations of any more, although each often thought of the therapy sessions and specific moments, reliving and dissecting them for hidden meaning. For Kate this was an old habit, part of her normal routine after these sessions, and Rick had taken her advice to heart and was doing the same, having a better understanding of why it was needed. There was not a lot of talking, but they did glance at each other, and Rick's hand stroked gently up and down Kate's shoulder and arm, or drew patterns on her back.

Soon it was time for bed, and things could have gotten uncomfortable again. At the cabin there was really only one decent bed, so it had been a given that they would share. Here, there was still the guest bedroom upstairs, and Kate thought Rick might ask her to sleep there, keeping that physical distance between them to avoid temptation. She had a better understanding now of his reasons for it, and while she would honour his request for abstinence as she had already agreed, she didn't want to be any further away from her husband than the space she had already forced between them.

So she stood and extended her hand, which he took, and then walked him into their bedroom. Once there, she sat him down on the end of the bed and stood between his legs, and looked him in the eye for a good period of time before she spoke.

"Rick, I understand your need for celibacy right now, better than I did before today. I am not going to force myself on you, but I want to be close to you, to touch you and hold you, and know that you are here. Would it be OK if we shared this bed again?"

Rick could see that her heart was in her eyes as she made that request, and there was nothing in him that could refuse her. He stood up and engulfed her in his arms, kissing the top of her head.

"Of course, Kate."

 _A/N: another short chapter, and lighter after the weight of the first therapy session. Next they will discuss their homework, and the lead up to the next session._


	28. Homework

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: I am eternally grateful to my lovely readers for following and reviewing this story. I am on track to finish this story and start posting my Castle 2016 Summer Ficathon entry called Overheard, so look out for that in July. In the meantime, enjoy this latest instalment._

 **CHAPTER 28**

They set no alarms, so the sun shining through the blinds woke them, still in each other's arms. Rick remembered many mornings like this, when they had nowhere else to be, and what they got up to in bed. Before his memories could prompt his body parts to betray him, he kissed Kate's forehead and got out of bed, telling her to stay while he got them coffee.

Kate got up to use the bathroom, and was sitting up against the head of the bed when he returned with two large mugs, which he set onto his bedside table until he could crawl in and get set up next to her. They enjoyed their coffees together, Kate groaning at the taste of the best coffee she had ever tasted. No one made coffee for her like her husband did, and she hoped no one would ever have to.

The silence was companionable, but she knew they had things to discuss today, so once her cup was empty she took a deep breath and started.

"Dr Burke gave me two lots of homework yesterday. One was to discuss all the potential life decisions you and I may face in the next three months and how we would react to them, separately and together. The second was to write down each time someone paid me a compliment, and what my reaction was. I, um, I have difficulty accepting praise even when I know I have earned it, and compliments, well, I don't think I deserve them. He thinks I have very low self-worth." She paused here, and lifted her eyes to her husband.

"Well, let me be the first one today to tell you that you are beautiful, especially right now with your hair naturally curly and your skin relaxed and warm from sleep."

Kate blushed, started to shake her head but then stopped. She was about to dismiss Rick's compliment as something a husband was expected to say, but she could see in his eyes that he meant every word. He had been saying things to her, giving her compliments, for all the time they had known each other, except when she wouldn't let him refusing all his advances, thinking he only wanted to get into her pants. But that time had passed years ago, and he still looked at her with that adoration – even now when she had hurt him so deeply he had to retreat into seclusion to heal his heart.

"Thanks, Rick, you're not so bad yourself," she grinned, and then laughed out loud when he so obviously preened in front of her. Then she was serious again.

"I still don't really believe I deserve you, Rick, especially after all the pain and hurt I have caused you, but I am so grateful that you are choosing to stay with me, and help me through therapy. You deserve someone who is not broken, who can give you all their love and all their heart, and I really am trying, but…"

"No, Kate, it's me who doesn't deserve someone as extraordinary as you, but we will just have to agree to disagree on that one. You can't make the decision for me on what I deserve, what I need. And I need you. I need you to be in this marriage with me 100%, for better or worse. Whatever it takes for us to have our always, we will do it, together."

Kate couldn't help herself; she leaned over and kissed him, pouring all her emotion into the kiss. Rick responded instantly, holding her face ever so gently in his palms, letting her feel his love in return. They broke apart a short time later, respecting Rick's boundaries, but neither could wipe the grins from their faces.

"OK, so let's write down all the potential life decisions we could face in the next three months, and then we can talk about our choices on them. I better write, so we can read them afterwards." Kate was teasing again; she wanted to maintain the easy bantering as long as possible.

"Ooh, ok, so we could be faced with alien abduction, the zombie apocalypse, time travel-"Rick was cut off when Kate smacked his arm.

"No, Rick, we have to be realistic about this, and I don't think any of those three things are likely to happen in the next three months. What about children?" Kate asked, half joking, but also interested to see his reaction.

Rick sat up in bed, staring at her with his mouth hanging open. In the same breath as shooting down his admittedly wild theories, Kate had mentioned children. Obviously their children, based on the context of the discussion. He was flabbergasted. Yes, they had discussed having kids a couple of times, but it was never a good time, it was always something relatively far in the future. But in the next three months? Rick realised he had been zoned out for too long, when he could see Kate's face fall and the shutters closing in her eyes.

"Kate, I would absolutely love to have children with you, when you are ready. You just took me by surprise, that's all. Shooting down my crazy theories then hitting me with one I wasn't sure you didn't consider being in the same category."

Kate was quiet for a while, analysing what Rick said, then shook herself out of it.

"Ok, so we can put children on that list. Let's just write the list for now, and we can explore the details after. And just for the record, I do not consider having children with you in the same category as alien abduction." She smiled at him, hoping he understood until they could discuss it in more detail.

Moving house, job changes, Alexis getting married or pregnant were also added to the list, although Rick was not at all keen to even consider those two options. They also spoke about Martha moving back in, and what Gina and Paula may want from Rick to promote his books. When the list was as complete as they could make it, Kate made a copy, handed it to Rick with a pen, and sent him off to the study to write down his decision about each. Rick wanted to stay in bed, but Kate told him he couldn't cheat by copying her answers, and laughingly pushed him out of bed.

When Kate finished putting her thoughts onto paper, she took her sheet and went to the kitchen for more coffee. She saw Rick at his desk, pen in his mouth obviously thinking deeply about some situation. She left him to it, knowing that the smell of the coffee would bring him out when he was done.

She had just finished making their coffees when Rick made his way out of the office, taking a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen island, so she put the cups down in front of him and walked around to sit on the adjacent stool. He took a sip and smiled at her, thanking her and she waved it off, saying she owed him many more coffees. They reviewed their list together, and surprisingly agreed on most of them without further discussion. Whatever Alexis or Martha did, or needed, they would support them fully. Where Black Pawn was concerned, Kate said she would support Rick, and Rick said he would check with Kate. Same with moving house and job changes, although Kate was quick to assure Rick that she wasn't planning on going back to work just yet. That left just one more topic to discuss – children.

They looked at each other shyly, knowing that this topic was going to be tricky. Kate remembered they had discussed having kids, but it had always been a someday prospect. Rick also had a grown child already, so she wasn't sure if he wanted to go through the whole process gain – sleepless nights, changing diapers, cleaning up all sorts of body fluids, urgh. For his part, Rick remembered Kate saying she wasn't a baby person, and how she had reacted to their time with Benny, and her caution when Sarah Grace Ryan was little.

Eventually Rick broke the awkward silence and staring contest by clearing his throat.

"So, do you think you would be ready for children in the short term?" He asked, cautious but optimistic in his tone.

"Well, yes, but…" Kate started, and then swallowed the rest of her words. She took a deep breath, and started again.

"I don't think we are in the right place right now for children, with sorting these issues out with our marriage. I have seen too often where a couple thought having a baby, or another baby, would help their marriage, and it had the opposite effect, leaving everyone involved worse off. I want to be in a place where I have no more worries, where I am emotionally and financially prepared to dedicate years to the child."

"Kate, financially we are already in a place that we can provide for a child much better than 95% of the rest of New York. Emotionally, it's going to take time for our marriage to be fully fixed, and I am certainly not suggesting that we have a baby, or even get pregnant in the next three months. But you cannot wait for things to be perfect, as you did with your career, as you did with this relationship, because it will never be perfect. And don't forget, I am 10 years older than you, I don't want to be taking the kid to school with a walking frame." He injected a little humour into the last of his statement, but he could see that Kate was bristling about the 'perfect' comment.

"What do you mean I waited for things to be perfect with this relationship?" Kate demanded, although she knew what he was talking about. Not only did she have trouble taking compliments, but sometimes criticism as well.

"I mean that you wanted to wait to tell me that you heard my declaration in the cemetery until you were ready to say it back to me, until you had fixed all of your problems by yourself. But life doesn't work like that, and you admitted to me that if it wasn't for being thrown off the roof by Maddox you may not have even come to me at that time. Where do you think we would be then? Would we be married? Or still dancing around each other, talking in subtext? Or would you have let me walk away from us without telling me you felt the same way?" Rick was getting angry, partly because he could see that Kate was not reacting well to his comments, but also because she was deflecting. He wished they had designated a safe neutral zone in the loft before they started speaking. Taking a deep breath and counting to 10 internally, he stood and walked to the door of the bedroom, and then he turned around.

"I am going up to the spare room, which is now the safe neutral zone Dr Burke advised us to choose." Before she could reply, he was gone.

 _TBC_


	29. Chapter 29

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Thank you for the amazing response to the last chapter, I appreciate all your comments even if I can't respond individually. I want to cover the key issues as I see them, so there will be a bit more angst and conflict while they table those with Dr Burke and each other. There are also some characters seen earlier that need to return for a final bow_

 _A/N2: Flashbacks are in italics._

 **CHAPTER 29**

Kate was at first stunned that Rick would retreat to the safe zone, as she had hoped that the talk of children would be happy for both of them. But then she reviewed her words and realised that she was again making decisions, or at least assumptions, for both of them, and when he called her out on it, she deflected and got defensive, almost like she was trying to pick a fight to divert from it. She knew that he was right about her need for perfection, needing to be fully in control of all factors before she took the leap. But parenthood was certainly not like that, as she remembered her mother telling her a long time ago.

 _She had just turned 18, getting ready to head off to Stanford, and she'd had a sort of argument with her mother about being old enough to live out of home and take care of herself._

" _Yes, I know, Katie, but you will always be my baby and I will always worry about you. You will understand when you have kids of your own."_

" _No, I think by the time I have kids I will be set up so either they go to a local college, or I move with them, and not let them out of my sight." Kate was joking, because she couldn't see that happening at all, but her mother wouldn't let it go._

" _Katie, you can never plan for that. Things will never be perfect for you to have children; you need to let it happen when it happens, while you are still young enough to enjoy them. Your dad and I didn't plan to have you when you came along, but it was the nicest surprise we could ever have. And if we had waited longer, the chance would have been taken from us, as you know. So seize the day, as the saying goes, do the things you want to do as soon as you can, because you never know what tomorrow holds." Her mother had hugged her then, conveying her love and fears for her daughter in the strength of her embrace, like she didn't want to let go. Eventually Kate eased out of her arms when her father could be heard moving around in the next room._

Kate had forgotten that conversation until just now, when she was talking about kids with her husband, and she again felt the pang of loss for her mother, who would never meet Rick, or get to cuddle and spoil her grandchildren. That thought was what finally decided her. She wanted kids with Rick, and as soon as they were emotionally ready; they would have been three months ago, after she took up the role of Captain, with less field work and more flexible hours. She had ruined that, but she could rectify things now, and move forward. She stood and walked through the loft in search of Rick, meeting him just at the foot of the stairs as he was on his way down, his face calm but resigned.

"Rick, I am sorry again. It feels like that is all I say to you, apologising for hurting you. I do want kids with you, as soon as we both feel our marriage is in a place for it. I know we were almost there when I was promoted to Captain, so as soon as we can get back to that place again, I am ready. What do you say?" She had her heart in her eyes as she looked at him, letting him see she was serious.

Rick was taken aback by her declaration, as he had assumed she would want to talk about something else for a while, and come back around to the conversation about kids at a later date. She looked so earnest that he knew she had made her decision and would stick to it. His only response was to reach out and pull her into his arms, hugging her close, and kiss the top of her head.

Rick had also been thinking in the guest room, but not about babies. He knew there would be more talking involved before that issue was resolved, and so he turned his mind to the other piece of homework that Dr Burke had set him, about how we compensated for his feelings of abandonment. It was not an easy task, because he had buried those feelings deep, but obviously not deep enough if they were still impacting his life and his relationships.

As he said to Dr Burke, he didn't really know he was missing his dad until he was around more kids with normal families, and he reacted to the teasing with violence, resorting to fighting when it was brought up. He only asked his mother a couple of times about his father, and was summarily dismissed both times that he got the hint and never asked again. When he was older, he liked to pretend that his father was someone important, off doing important work to save the world, so it wasn't really abandonment. His fertile imagination allowed his father to be anyone he wanted – astronaut, baseball player, brain surgeon - all worthy selfless professions. He had also imagined him to be a spy, but the truth was too close to the bone, when he eventually met him, and he had admitted to no one that when Jackson told him he was proud of him, he almost cried.

He hadn't told Dr Burke, but he realised now that Kyra had also abandoned him, flying off to London and a new life. He hadn't followed her, hadn't known that she wanted him to, and their meeting a few years ago, during her interrupted wedding, was bittersweet. At the time, being the young, newly wealthy author, he had thrown himself into the celebrity lifestyle, replacing Kyra with a succession of gorgeous but shallow women. That had ended abruptly when Meredith announced she was pregnant, and paved the way to another abandonment. With her, he could see for a while that there was something else going on, but he was in denial because he was so desperate for a family. So his need for a two parent family for his child, like he never had, prompted him to give Meredith whatever she wanted as long as she stuck around for Alexis, and when she left them and moved to the West Coast, he welcomed her back whenever she dropped into their lives, to give Alexis the time to spend with her mother whenever possible. He also allowed Meredith back into his bed, to reaffirm that he was still desirable to her, even though deep down he knew he wasn't the only one in her affections. He was just convenient, but he allowed himself to be used that way for the few days of family cohesion it would provide.

Gina hadn't abandoned him, but she also didn't want all of him, as he revealed to the therapist. She wanted Richard Castle the best-selling author, the celebrity lifestyle and the perks to go with it. He wanted a mother figure for his daughter, but at the same time he didn't allow Gina the full access to Alexis that she would have required to be that figure. The inconsistency in their desires had doomed that relationship from the start, but still he hung on, again giving Gina the things he thought she wanted, until they couldn't even be in the same room without starting a fight, and the tension between the four people sharing the loft was unbearable. Gina wasn't even living there by then, having never relinquished her apartment, (that should have been a sign right there) and when she took the last of her things back after their last fight, he didn't even have the energy to stop her. He devoted his time to Alexis because that was one relationship he was extremely proud of, and he vowed anew that he would never abandon her.

Rick realised with a start that he had been upstairs for over 40 minutes, reminiscing about his failures as a partner and husband. He had tried to give them gifts, money, space, whatever they wanted, just so they would stay, but it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. So he hid behind his playboy persona, playing the arrogant jackass, regularly on Page 6 with a different woman on his arm each time, but he would end the night alone, watching his daughter sleep and thanking all the gods that he had her.

He made some notes about his musings, and then headed downstairs, meeting Kate at the bottom of the stairs.

 _TBC_


	30. Chapter 30

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Thanks for all the lovely reviews to the last chapter. They still have a few serious issues to work through, so there are still hard times to come. I am doing my best to show realism in this story, and I appreciate all my readers support and comments both via review and PM. I hope you continue to enjoy!_

 **CHAPTER 30**

Dr Burke had asked them to come in for joint sessions at least twice a week, and Kate for an extra session by herself. He knew that she would need the extra time, and closer supervision with her issues, whereas Rick would come in for a solo session just once per week, on the back of the second joint session. It may have seemed like a lot, but Kate and Rick were determined to resolve their issues as soon as possible, and as they had no other commitments work-wise, they could manage the frequent sessions.

Kate was first up, and Rick was waiting in the private room again. He had greeted Dr Burke cordially, but Burke could see something in Rick's eyes that wasn't there two days ago, and he regretted he would probably have to wait another two days before he could find out what it was.

"So, Kate, how did you go with your homework?"

"You know I hate homework, Dr Burke" Kate said, but she was smiling, and seemed to be in a better mood today. He just watched her in silence, and she knew it was still her turn to talk.

"I did as you asked, and wrote down the compliments I received. As I am not working at the precinct, apart from family it was only random strangers who I have been speaking to. I of course wrote down what Rick said, what my father and mother-in-law said, and thanked them for it. I kind of feel that being family, though, it's expected for them to compliment me, though, so that wasn't so difficult."

She paused here, probably recalling some of those compliments, more than likely from her husband from the smile on her face, but she was also pulling a sheet of paper out of her pocket and unfolding it.

"We went out to lunch yesterday, and grabbed coffee at a couple of different cafes over the last two days. I had one little girl tell me she loved my hair, and she hoped hers would be as curly when she grew up. Then there was a guy at the restaurant that apparently hadn't noticed my wedding ring, and propositioned me while Rick was in the bathroom. Finally, there was an older lady who was a fan of Rick's books at the café this morning, who told me that I must be extraordinary to inspire such an amazing character as Nikki Heat, and complimented my fashion style. I blushed for the adults, although the little girl made me smile, she was so shy but determined to talk to me."

"It was weird receiving compliments from strangers, people who didn't know me, didn't know my life story, who just saw the outside, and liked it enough to comment. It was a confidence boost, in a way, and of course I thanked them for it. It certainly didn't make me feel uncomfortable, as compliments have in the past."

"That is good, Kate. That is exactly how you should react to compliments. And hearing it from strangers, who don't actually want anything from you" he saw her smirk, but continued "other than your attention, will hopefully make you realise that you are deserving of those things in life you have. And you have worked hard for them. You work hard at your career to be the best you can be, and you look after yourself, your looks, to present an attractive picture to the world, so you deserve the recognition for a job well done. I would like you to keep doing this, be aware of compliments and your conscious response to them, although you don't have to detail them for me. We aim for that positive and confident response to become second nature to you." Dr Burke shuffled his notes, and then started again.

"And what about the other part of your homework, about life decisions?"

"Most of that went well, and then we had a fight about one issue." Kate was silent for a while, but Dr Burke let her work it out.

"We discussed and listed all the things that could happen in the next three months, minus Rick's suggestions of alien abduction and zombie apocalypse. We then took a copy of the list and went to separate rooms so we could think about them in private, and when we came together we discussed our individual thoughts and made a joint decision. In most things we were in agreement, even though some of these things we had not discussed in the past at all. I had thought that the last item on the list would be the same, because it was something we had discussed in the past, although it was always something that may happen some indeterminate time in the future. Little did I think it would cause an argument." Here, Kate's face dropped and she was wringing her hands, obviously uncomfortable. After a few silent minutes, Dr Burke prompted her for the topic of this argument.

"Children."

Burke couldn't imagine what caused the disagreement between them on this topic, but rather than guessing or assuming, he gave Kate the time to order her thoughts so she could explain. After a shorter silence, she spoke again.

"When my mother died, my wish for a family of my own died along with her. I was fully focussed on finding her killer and bringing them to justice. It consumed so much of my life that there was no time for a partner, let alone children. I also knew how dangerous my job was, and I didn't want to bring a child into the world with the risk of them experiencing what I had when I lost my mother."

"The first thing that attracted me to Rick was the way he was as a father. He obviously adored Alexis, and no matter what else was going on, she was always his top priority. But she was already a teenager, and I didn't think that he would want to go back to bottles and diapers, so when we first started a relationship I never mentioned it. I was also still pursuing my mother's killer, and working my way up the career ladder, so it was not the right time."

"Together we caught Bracken, and were ready to start our life together, when he was kidnapped on our wedding day. I think that put any family plans on the backburner again, because we still don't know where he was or what he was doing those two months, and I think that trust took some time to return. I was ready to consider a family when I was promoted to Captain of the precinct, because it would mean more regular hours and less field work, but then this latest case exploded, and since then it's been the furthest thing from my mind. I was not prepared to bring a child into the world under the threat of faceless entities out to kill us. And now, with my marriage in shambles because of my actions, I still don't think we are in the right place for kids."

Dr Burke could understand Kate's reasoning so far, and he was fairly confident Rick would agree with all of that, so he was still not clear on why they had an argument. He checked the time and saw they were almost at the end of Kate's solo session, so he wanted her take on it before he invited Rick in.

"Your thinking there is reasonable. What caused the argument?"

I told Rick that I wanted to be in a place emotionally and financially where we were prepared for a child, because I had seen too many cases of a couple having a baby in the hopes it would fix their relationship, only for the opposite to happen leaving them all miserable. He told me that circumstances were never going to be perfect, and called me out on the time I was waiting to tell him I had heard his declaration of love, until I was ready to say it back to him. I got angry at having that thrown back in my face, and because the conversation was making me uncomfortable I deflected. He went upstairs to the guest room for almost an hour."

"It gave me time to think about what he said, and I remembered a conversation I had with my mother before I moved to Stanford. I decided he was right, things would never be perfect, so when he came downstairs I told him I was prepared to have a child when our marriage was more stable, and we hugged it out. But we haven't really discussed it since, so I am not sure where he stands."

"Well, it's about that time, so if you wish, we can find out." Dr Burke offered, and at her nod he moved to the waiting room door and invited Rick in.

 _TBC_


	31. Chapter 31

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: I am continually amazed at the support for this little story, with notifications of new follows and favourites every week. Words are not enough, but know that I feel them in my heart – thank you!_

 **CHAPTER 31**

Rick was obviously uncomfortable in the room, but Dr Burke wasn't sure yet if it was because of the idea of therapy, or what he thought they would be discussing. Like Kate, Rick held his cards close to his chest, and would be a tough opponent in Poker, Burke mused. It took a while for Dr Burke to be able to read Kate's moods from her face, and it would probably take the same time for him to get to know Rick. But Kate already knew Rick, and so Dr Burke looked to her for a reaction to Rick's mood.

Kate knew Rick was uncomfortable, as he had been quiet for over an hour before their sessions started, but he just smiled at her queries and assured her he would be fine. The last thing she wanted was to pressure him into discussing anything he wasn't ready to, but she was worried about him withdrawing from her. Maybe Dr Burke could draw him out, she hoped, and looked back at the therapist to catch him looking back at her.

"Rick, do you want to talk about your homework?" Dr Burke asked, looking at Rick but leaning back in his chair, showing he was fine to wait until Rick was ready.

"Um, not really?" Rick said, and then laughed a little, but it was nervous and short-lived. He glanced at Kate then back to Dr Burke, before starting to articulate his thoughts.

"Kate and I are still in sync in a lot of ways, and our discussions about life decisions in the next 3 months were mostly straight forward. We only had a disagreement on one part of it. Afterwards Kate came to me and told me she agreed with what I had said, so I guess that is sorted too."

"You guess? Are you happy to leave it as such a nebulous stage, Rick?"

"The discussion was about children, and its Kate's body that we are talking about, she's the one who has to go through the pregnancy and birth, so… yeah, I guess." Rick was really closed off, much less inclined to talk than the last time he was in this room, and Dr Burke sensed a potentially serious barrier.

"Kate, how do you feel about what Rick just said?"

"I know that he is hesitant to put expectations on me about this, and I know that in the past this was just one of those things that I took upon myself to be in control of in our marriage, so for that reason alone I want him to be able to voice his opinion. "

"It's not about my opinion or your opinion, Kate, but about a decision we have to make together. You said that you wanted to be in the right place financially and emotionally for a child. You know for a fact that we are financially independent, even if I never write another book, and you don't ever work again. When you said that, I felt like you were rejecting me and my money, that you didn't want people thinking that I was supporting you, that you were living off my wealth. But Kate, all I have ever wanted to do is look after you, give you things that you want, that I believe you deserve. I have been lucky in my life with earning a lot of money, but it means nothing to me if I can't use it to make those I love happy, and you and Alexis are at the top of that list."

"Rick, it's not about your money, well not really. I need to feel like I am contributing and right now I don't feel that. Maybe financially was the wrong word to use. You know I can't express myself as well as you can. It's another example of me hurting you, and you still caring for me, like the $2 million dollars you transferred into our transaction account before you went to Texas, to make sure I had everything I needed while you were away. You just keep giving and all I seem to be doing is taking, and to me all the expenses involved with a baby would be more of the same."

Dr Burke interrupted because he could see they were not making sense to each other.

"Kate, what I am hearing is that you don't feel you are contributing your share to this partnership, and therefore don't believe you deserve to draw down for your needs. Does that sound right?"

"And Rick, you are equating your personal value with that of your financial status, which is a dangerous comparison for anyone to make."

Rick was nodding, and Kate was shaking her head, although the way Burke read her facial expression, she was disagreeing with Rick's thoughts about his worth rather than Burke's assessment of her. She reviewed what she had already said to both Dr Burke and Rick regarding babies, and rearranged her words to make sure her point would come across correct this time.

"Rick, I absolutely want to have your babies, and not wait until everything is perfect, because as you told me, that will never happen. My mother said the same thing to me when I was eighteen, and I recalled that conversation when you went upstairs. That is why I agreed with you when you came back downstairs, not to put you off, or dismiss the topic, but because I made my decision on where I want to take it with you. I know we are not there yet, but working together, we will be."

Rick just stared at his wife, the love in his eyes clear to see, tears of joy threatening to fall. He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing hard and whispered 'thank you.' Kate was gazing back at him with all love for him in her eyes as well, and responded with their word, 'always'.

Dr Burke gave them a moment and then shuffled his papers, the soft sound recalling the couple to the room gently. He noted that Rick still had not responded to his prompt about his worth, so he asked again.

"Rick? You were nodding at my statement before, but I am not clear on what that meant to you. Can you put it into words for me?"

"I was nodding because for a long time my worth to other people, those who called themselves friends, was in direct proportion to my wealth. To me money is just a means of getting things done, and Kate has proven to me that she is not with me because of my wealth and fame; in fact sometimes I feel she is with me in spite of it. I guess with the homework you have set me I have been doing a lot of introspection and just reverted to that time."

Rick closed his mouth with a snap, obviously having shared more than he wanted to about his personal homework and what it had resulted in. He looked to Dr Burke with a plea in his eyes to change the topic. Rick was clearly uncomfortable, and Burke could see that this was what had been bothering him, and his side-eye glance at his wife confirmed Rick was not ready to discuss it in front of Kate yet, so Burke decided to let him off the hook. He nodded in response to Rick's silent request, then looked down and made a couple of notes before he began wrapping up the session.

"I am glad that you were able to come to an agreement about these decisions, and I hope you will continue to discuss them as they actually come up. The first thing I want you to think of when a question comes up is what would my spouse say, and then actually ask them. I know you have both agreed to talk openly and honestly with each other, but it is very easy to fall back into old habits unless there is a clear prompt not to. So I want you both to practice saying 'What would Rick do?' and 'What would Kate do?' any time you hear a question, asked either directly to you or in front of you. Do you think you can do that?"

Both partners were smiling, and the twinkle was back in Rick's eyes.

"Do you think I could get shirts printed with that slogan?" he asked his wife, grin the widest she had seen it in months.

Dr Burke gave them one of his rare smiles and glanced at the clock.

"You mentioned previously that there are a number of issues that you could not agree on while at the cabin. I would like you both to write me a clear list of those issues, from your own point of view, so we can discuss in the next joint session. "

With that, Dr Burke put his notes down next to him and rose, escorting the couple to his office door. They said their goodbyes and Rick punched the elevator button, obviously very keen to get out of there. The ride home was again silent, but Kate knew Rick needed this time to process. Their normal post-therapy routine kicked in, Kate cooking and serving dinner then collecting Rick from his office, and talking about anything other than the session. They had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner, watched a couple of episodes of Big Bang Theory, and then went to sleep cuddled up.

 _TBC_


	32. Chapter 32

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Thank you all so much for your patience with this chapter. I want to reassure all my readers that I am fully committed to this story, and have not abandoned it. If you are interested in what caused the hold-up, I have another authors note at the end. But for now, I hope this was worth the wait._

 **CHAPTER 32**

The next morning, they managed to have a sleep-in and a lazy brunch, but then Rick acknowledged that they would have to speak about the therapy session, and get stuck into their homework. He still had part of his homework to do, as well.

"Kate, I know you said you were looking forward to having babies together, and that we are not there yet. Is there anything else you wanted to say about it?"

"Well, other than it's a moot point at the moment, because I am pretty sure you need to have sex to make babies?" Kate was smiling at him, to show that she had no resentment regarding their abstinence. "No, babe, I think we discussed and expressed our feelings about it, and when we are far along with therapy that we are comfortable with each other and our marriage again, I will stop taking the pill. It's certainly not going to happen in the next 3 months that is for sure."

"OK, I think that sounds fair." Rick was smiling too, finally believing that the two of them were on the same page regarding future children. He allowed himself a moment to imagine a little girl with auburn curls and blue eyes, or a little boy with a mischievous grin and insatiable curiosity. Then he shook the image out of his mind and refocussed on his wife.

"I know you made a list of our outstanding concerns while at the cabin, so maybe we can review that list, see if it needs updating before we get into it with Dr Burke? Then I need to lock myself away for a couple of hours to work on my individual homework component, if you don't mind."

"Sure, I will get the list." Kate made her way through the study and the bedroom, concern on her features about her husband's last comment. Even when she was working on her individual homework, she had been with him, sharing space and occasional comments. She couldn't recall what his other homework was, and realised he had not mentioned it to her at all, even though she had let him know about her challenge with accepting compliments. She understood that his individual sessions were private, and so she was conflicted about asking him what his personal homework was. She resolved that while it would be super hard, she would not ask until Rick himself volunteered that information, or Dr Burke brought it up in a joint session.

Rick knew that Kate was curious about his homework, he could see it on her face, but he was not quite ready to share his personal failure with her just yet, and that was how he still saw the issue. He knew he would have to discuss it with her sometime soon, because she needed to understand why he had reacted the way he had, and he hoped that Dr Burke would help when it came to that time.

Both of them were quiet as they reviewed the written list from their time in the cabin. The most controversial one was of course the question of how Kate could trust Vikram and Rita without knowing anything about them. Even just reading it brought a frown to Rick's face, and Kate knew it would be explosive when they finally addressed it. Despite hours spent thinking about it in hindsight, Kate couldn't come up with a good reason for her actions at that time, and she knew that unless she could figure that out, there was no way of preventing another occurrence. After agreeing to the outstanding list both of them were a lot more subdued, so perhaps some time apart may be beneficial. Rick made his way to his study, while Kate sat on the couch reading a book.

Rick knew they were making progress, and understood the importance of the therapy sessions for both of them, but he still could not view his time on the black leather couch as anything other than mental torture. For the first time in his life he was being forced to confront himself, his actions, and his past mistakes. He was already hurting from the latest joint session, watching his wife flay herself for choosing a case over him – he ached to stop her, to hold her and tell her everything was OK, but he understood enough of what Dr Burke had said to know if he did that, there would be no progress in their relationship, and that was one thing he was not willing to give up. Already he could feel the benefit of the therapy in their daily interactions, speaking openly about so many things, seeking each other's opinions and agreement on everything that affected them. It was with all these thoughts swirling through his head that Rick watched Kate move to the private waiting room, and braced himself again for his solo session.

Burke didn't waste any time opening the conversation, sensing that this particular piece of homework was difficult and painful for Rick, and delaying it any longer was not beneficial.

"So, Rick, how did you go with your homework? I can sense it has caused you some distress."

Rick was nodding, but then recognised that he would need to verbalise – he had watched Burke draw Kate out enough times to know what was expected.

"Yeah, you could say that. I have made a habit of glossing over negatives, shrugging them off, and pretending to move on, but that carefree playboy was just a mask. I had been so successful at burying certain things, though, that I had convinced myself they didn't matter, and having to dig back into them felt almost more painful than when they first happened. I figured out that is why I never liked therapy, because it made you excavate things best left hidden."

"But George Santayana was correct when he said those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it. Your homework made me look critically at my past, and made me realise that my failure was not in the relationship, but in how I responded to it."

"Yes. Usually I have to lead my patients to that realisation, Rick, so you are ahead of the curve there. Care to explain that reasoning?"

Rick would rather have root canal work done, but he knew that was not an option. Burke was going to make him vocalise his thought process, not out of some curiosity to hear it, but because Rick needed to do that to truly accept it and move on.

"When Kyra left for London, I threw myself into the party scene, thinking I could forget about her best by replacing her, and drinking myself into oblivion. That seemed to be working, until Meredith, only the latest in a long line of flings, got herself pregnant. Suddenly I was faced with a responsibility I was not ready for, but I was determined to do the right thing by Meredith. Because I never knew my father, I didn't want that for any child of mine, so I was compensating for something that was never my fault. Meredith didn't want to keep the baby, but I talked her into it, showering her with gifts and love as best I could give, and taking on all the responsibility for her impending motherhood and our future family life. All the energy I had thrown into partying I now threw into my wife and maybe in a way I smothered her. Certainly by halfway through the pregnancy she refused to let me accompany her to clinic visits, and became increasingly bitter about the ugly changes her body was undergoing – her words, not mine, by the way, I think the female form is most beautiful when it's carrying a new life. So I promised her a full time personal trainer for after the birth, to get her back into shape so she could continue working, and agreed that Alexis would be bottle fed, to allow Meredith maximum flexibility with her roles. I can see now that I was again giving her whatever she wanted, to keep up the façade of a happy family."

Rick took a drink of water, suddenly feeling very dry. He honestly could not remember talking this much, certainly not about real topics, to anyone, not even Kate. He made a mental note to discuss some of these with Kate, even if they didn't come up in the sessions with Dr Burke. Burke just nodded encouraging him to continue when he was ready.

"When Alexis was born, I was so excited and happy about my daughter, that even my wife took a back seat in my affections. She seemed happy to let me do the lion's share of the work with the baby, and I was so caught up that I didn't see her resentment building. Meredith has always loved the limelight, and suddenly she was not the centre of my attention, so it made sense that she was seeking that focus from someone – anyone else. That was my thinking when I found her cheating with her director. I took the blame for our relationship on myself, not being enough for her. Now, I can look back and realise that she and I were never compatible, and by giving her things I thought she wanted, trying to keep her happy so I could have my idea of a happy family, I prolonged something that should not have started in the first place. I will never regret that it gave me Alexis, but it should have taught me about flogging a dead horse."

"Gina was a mistake from start to finish, but I think I was still trying to compensate for what I saw as my failure to provide a mother figure for Alexis. Gina showed interest in Alexis, which none of the women I had dated previously did – they just wanted Richard Castle the celebrity author, not the father – and so I thought I could fill that gap in her life. Of course, as I know now, that is all Gina was interested in as well, and while she had been willing to be a parent to Alexis, by then I had built walls around Alexis that no one could scale. I never shared her with Gina, and arguments about her attempts at being a parent to my daughter always escalated to arguments about our relationship in general. So I would always apologise by buying her jewellery, or taking her out to fancy meals that would land us on Page 6, and for a little while we would endure. Then the cycle would start again. I was giving her gifts, buying her things I thought she wanted, so we could continue limping along in the marriage. I tell people that the split was amicable, but it wasn't really. I just gave in to protect Alexis from the fallout. My one vicious lashing out against Gina was killing off my most successful character, and even that came back to bite me."

"As I look back now, neither of my ex-wives were right for me, and in trying to keep them I was giving them material things, to compensate for my perceived failure as a husband. I didn't have a chance to keep Kyra, or my father, so I was desperate to keep these people in my life."

"I met Kyra again a few years ago, before Kate and I were together. She told me that she had expected me to follow her to London. That changed my thinking about how to get what I wanted, and after that, each time Kate ran or pushed me away, I would chase her, I would come back. No matter what she did, I was always there. In thinking about the last few years, I can see that I set an expectation with her, that I would be there for her, no matter what. Even our word, Always, was a promise from me that I would be around. Part of me is glad that she believed I would hang around, but I also think that it gave her the freedom to chase other things, taking me for granted."

Dr Burke nodded. "Rick, do you think you enabled her behaviour by always chasing her?"

Rick was silent for so long, Burke started to think he wouldn't respond. But when he lifted his face to look him in the eye, Burke could see that Rick had already accepted that statement, and was not proud of himself for it.

"Yes. And so I cannot blame her fully for chasing this case as she did, especially when I know now that she thought she was protecting me and my family. I used to spend money in buying people to stay with me, but I knew that would never work with Kate, because she was never interested in my money. With her I chased and followed and kept coming back, putting myself into her space, not allowing her to leave me behind. Even when she moved out of the loft, I kept showing up at the precinct, bringing her coffee, trying to get back into her good graces. My first thought when she left was that I wasn't good enough, that I had done something wrong to make her leave. And so I tried to find what it was, and fix it, making a nuisance of myself. It was only when I realised that chasing Kate was all I was doing, that the rest of my life was a shambles that I took off to heal."

Dr Burke could see that Rick was spent after these revelations, but he wanted to ensure it would stick permanently.

"I can see that a lot of thinking has gone into your homework, and you have scraped yourself raw. The critical thing now is that you learn a better way to respond to these events. So what do you think you should do moving forward?"

"I definitely need to speak up for what I want, and that is true of the major part of our relationship. It has always been based on subtext, but Kate and I have agreed not to rely on it any more. And I need to consider if chasing after Kate is the best for me long term. I can hope that she won't run any more, and both of us are working on that, but me doing all the chasing is not conducive to an equal partnership. To be honest I would expect that at this stage of our relationship neither of us should be chasing the other. She came after me, as I asked her to, and now we need to be working together, running towards each other."

Dr Burke nodded, there being nothing else to say. Rick had internalised those lessons, and with the progress that both of them had made, he was confident the remaining issues would be resolved in good time. Rick really looked drained, so Burke walked him to the waiting room, where Kate took him by the arm and headed for the elevators.

That night they ordered in, and Rick went straight to bed after. Kate gave him the space, knowing that he would talk about it when he was ready, but she was reassured by his constant need to touch her all evening, and she fell asleep with him spooned behind her, his arm over her stomach holding her close.

 _Tbc_

 _A/N2: If you made it this far, thanks for showing an interest in my writing process. In my rush to finish this story and get onto my Summer 2016 ficathon entry, I wrote two key plot points into one in the previous chapter. On re-reading I realised that didn't work because time was required between the two points, so I split the chapter with the intent to fill in with time and other things. However that hole dragged me down and I was unable to write anything for a long time. I had some advice from Garrae to just write out what would come, so I have written after the gap, and was finally able to come back to the gap, and you have now read the first part of that. As a result of that process, I have more chapters ready to post, and will be back to regular chapters from now on. Thank you to Garrae for once again getting me back on track and to the rest of you amazing readers and followers for keeping me there._

 _M._


	33. Chapter 33

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: thanks so much for the great response to my last chapter. This is a lighter and shorter one, because they don't just live in a therapy bubble._

 **CHAPTER 33**

Other than the physical and the precinct, Kate and Rick's lives had returned to normal in the 6 weeks they had been back from the cabin. They caught up with Martha and Alexis when the redheads' schedules allowed it, and made time for drinks at the Old Haunt with their precinct family. Lanie took Kate out for a couple of girls nights, and Rick had the boys over for Madden and poker – the first couple of games Kate was part of, but then she graciously excluded herself, saying the boys didn't like being beaten by her.

The one thing that was never discussed was Kate's return to the precinct. Kate happily listened to Ryan and Esposito talking about some of their cases, but quickly steered the conversation away if they even looked like asking about her job. The first time Rick had been somewhat surprised, as he knew just how important Kate's job was to her, but it was just more proof that she was fully focussed on their relationship. He did worry that if she left it too long, she would have to take a demotion, and the negative impact that may have on her career progression. He didn't voice his concern though, to her or their friends, honouring her wish for space on that topic.

For Kate, it was bittersweet talking to the guys about their cases. Yes, she missed the precinct and working cases, the rush she got when all the elements came together for a close, her expertise for the weird ones, still called Beckett-flavoured by the whole team. But she had come to realise, with a little prompting from Dr Burke, that while her detective work was fuelling her need for justice, it was also putting her in a position where she may go down the rabbit hole again. No one else knew that she had received a couple more calls from Vikram, which she had allowed to go to voicemail and then deleted. She couldn't imagine why he would, but if Vikram came up with some sort of lead, she still couldn't guarantee she wouldn't jump at it.

In thinking about it, she realised that she hadn't told Rick about his calls, and even though she had not answered them, or listened to the messages, she was technically withholding something from her husband, so she resolved to tell him as soon as they were home. She assured Rick that she had no intention of answering any future calls either, as he – Vikram – had nothing that Kate would want to hear, especially as she was not the Captain of the precinct any more, and that was their only interaction. Rick was not surprised that Vikram had called her, as he had his private reservations about the man, which he shared with Esposito who assured him they were keeping an eye on the guy. Rick was glad she had told him about the phone calls; even though she didn't consider them important, as proof they were sharing everything with no more secrets. Then he put Vikram out of his mind, figuring if something came up he would be told.

It was at the Old Haunt the next Friday night, while they were talking about the latest Beckett-flavoured case the boys had caught, that Ryan let the three beers he had consumed loosen his tongue and asked when Kate was likely to return to work. The conversation faltered, everyone holding their breath, not sure how to react to the straight question. Esposito punched Ryan on the arm so he winced, Lanie kicked him under the table, and Rick just turned to look at his wife, knowing that sooner or later she would have to address the issue.

Kate looked at her friends, having seen all their reactions, and knew it was past time she gave them something. It was also something they had not discussed in detail at home, so she wasn't going to blindside her husband. But they did deserve something from her, so she took a deep breath, and spoke.

"I 'm not sure, Ryan. As I've said to you all, my family life is the most important thing for me to be focussing on right now, and my career must take a back seat to that. But in some ways, my work as a detective also enabled my addiction to justice, so I don't know if going back to that would be the best thing going forward. So don't expect to see me in the bull pen anytime soon."

She had reached her hand over to Rick's during her speech, and he squeezed her hands in acknowledgement when she finished. Even though they hadn't discussed it much more than the basics she had shared with everyone, he knew that the worst thing for an alcoholic was to be a bartender, surrounded by the tools of his addiction all day every day. He wasn't sure how Kate was going to reconcile those two parts, but he was determined to support her in whatever she chose.

When they eventually made it home that night, Rick was quick to reassure his wife about supporting her in whatever her future career held.

"Kate, I know you haven't made a decision about returning to the NYPD yet, and I'm grateful you have put your career on hold to focus on our marriage. I just want you to know that no matter what you decide, I'll be there. I know that I fell in love with you as the kick-ass homicide detective, but you are so much more than that, and how I feel about you won't be at all influenced by what you do for a job. Remember what we discussed when you were offered the chance to run for the senate. Whatever you decide, I'll back your play."

"Oh, Rick, how do you always know just what to say? I have to admit, I was a little worried that things may change if I was no longer in the NYPD, after all, what will Nikki Heat do? But I recognise that we are more than just the real versions of Nikki and Rook, and as long as I am with you, everything else is secondary. But for now, I want to get our marriage back to normal, and think about maybe increasing our family. When I'm ready to talk about going back to work, you will be the first to know."

With that, she smudged her smile to his, and fisted her hands in the back of his shirt has he hugged her close.

 _TBC_


	34. Chapter 34

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Wow! The last chapter brought up 500 reviews for this story, and I am ridiculously humbled by your support. Thank you all so very much for following, favoriting and reviewing this story._

 _Last weekend I participated in the inaugural Castle Fic Stream Con, and the pleasure of spending time listening and interacting with other fanfic authors inspired me to write 3 more chapters in this story, which will be published over the coming week. The story is now almost finished, and so this is another heavy chapter, where serious things are revealed to Kate and Rick in therapy. Hope you enjoy!_

 **CHAPTER 34**

Dr Burke's office had become almost a second home to the couple, spending so much time in the black chairs, sharing intimate parts of their lives with each other and the therapist. Both of them knew the biggest hurdle was to come.

For this session, Rick had asked Kate if he could have his solo session first, before their joint session. Kate agreed, but secretly she was worried about this change in plan. She spent the minutes in the private waiting room vainly trying to put worst case scenarios out of her mind, and desperately not chewing her nails. While she felt confident in their relationship and proud of the progress they had made, something was obviously bothering Rick and that set alarm bells off in her head.

Dr Burke glanced at Kate quickly when Rick made his request, but seeing as Kate remained seated rather than moving into his office, it must have been something the couple had previously agreed upon. He led the way and took his seat in silence, waiting for Rick to explain the change.

"Thanks for letting me make this change Dr Burke." Rick was looking down at his hands, a sure sign he was uncomfortable, and he didn't look like he was going to explain further.

"It's fine Rick, this time is yours and Kate's to use as you need. I'm guessing you want to discuss something with me before the joint session?"

"Yeah. I know I need to tell Kate about my abandonment issues, need to make her understand why her latest actions were so painful for me, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that at home. I don't know how to start the conversation, without sounding like a whining self-centred jackass."

Dr Burke did not allow a small smile to grace his face for even a moment on the last word, although lesser practitioners may have. He knew that description was as far from the truth of Rick Castle as it could get, but also that it had been Kate's favourite descriptor for him in their early sessions.

"Well, Rick, that is one of the things I can help you with. But I hope you can understand that those feelings are not wrong, or self-centred in any way. They are genuine feelings that have been created by a lifetime of being left behind, despite your best efforts. Just as you have accepted that it wasn't solely your fault those relationships ended, that you did everything you could at that time to save them, you need accept that these feelings of abandonment are valid and will influence your future decisions. But by being aware of them, you can control them to an extent, so they don't lead you into extremes."

"So how do you think I should broach the topic with Kate?"

"Have you discussed your past relationships with her in the level of detail you have shared with me?" Dr Burke asked, suspecting that the answer would be no, but needing the confirmation from him directly.

"Ah, no, not really" Rick was obviously ashamed of this, because he wouldn't look up at Burke.

"We haven't discussed my past marriages in any great detail, other than the flippant comments I made before we were together. I think because we worked together for 4 years before we got together, we both felt we knew each other much more than newly dating couples would, and didn't see the need for digging into each other's backgrounds any more. Of course, with all the subtext we didn't actually know a lot, we just thought we did."

"And with Meredith, because I didn't want to badmouth her in front of Alexis, I don't think anyone other than my mother actually knows she cheated on me. That seemed the path of least resistance at the time, and I have just continued it since."

"Well, Rick, if you want, I can introduce the topic, and then allow you to discuss with Kate in the joint session. How does that sound?"

Rick took a deep breath, debating if he wanted to hand over the responsibility to Dr Burke, but then he realised that it was best to get that information to Kate as quickly and painlessly as possible, and this was the perfect way to do that. He nodded.

Dr Burke stood and moved to the waiting room door, waiting on another nod from Rick before opening it and ushering Kate in. She took her usual seat, instinctively reaching over for Rick's hand, intertwining their fingers before she looked back at Dr Burke, ready for whatever was to come.

"Kate, with Rick's permission I want to share with you part of his solo homework. I asked him to review his feelings of abandonment and how he dealt with them, both in his past and during the current situation. We reviewed all the people who he feels have abandoned him in his life, starting with his father, Kyra, Meredith, Gina and now you." Dr Burke held his hand up, because he could see Kate was about to object.

"You may not see it as abandoning him, because you had intentions to come back when the case was solved, but the only information Rick had to hand showed him one more person he loved leaving him. We have discussed that he at first reacted by spending money, buying those people to have them hang around. Then with you, he ignored your attempts at leaving him, or trying to push him away, by always coming back, chasing after you. That promise of 'always' is what enabled you to leave, being convinced that he would be there waiting for you when you were done. "

Kate's face was pale, her eyes horrified at what Dr Burke had said. It sounded like Rick had been on the receiving end of years of negativity, which went a long way to explain the insecurity he tried so hard to hide. And then, she had taken him for granted, something he certainly didn't deserve, and it broke her heart again for him, all the ways she had hurt him. She was still trying to process everything when Rick spoke.

"I know we never actually discussed what happened with my past marriages, and that's my fault for deflecting whenever you tried to ask me about them, but I think it's important for you to be fully aware of my history." Rick then proceeded to share with Kate the exact details he had revealed to Dr Burke in their previous solo sessions. Dr Burke sat there watching both their faces, seeing the relief as Rick was able to unload finally, and Kate, normally so stoic, was obviously aghast by what Rick was sharing – not at him, because her love for him was shining out of her eyes, but at what he had been subjected to.

When Rick could speak no more, he stood and walked to the window, refusing to look at either of the other people in the room. After giving him a couple of minutes, Kate walked over and cuddled into his back, murmuring something Dr Burke couldn't make out. She glanced back at Burke, and after a moment he indicated the door, and Kate nodded. Once Dr Burke was outside, she took Rick's hand and led him back to the couches.

"Rick, I have to share something with you, something I am not proud of. When Meredith was staying at the loft while Alexis was ill, I asked her why things hadn't worked out between you two. She spun some story that made it out to be your fault, and to my shame I believed her for a while. The only saving grace was that it had been almost 15 years before we got together, and I knew that you were a different person from even the man I met on our first case together. I am so sorry that I never asked you directly about it, didn't push when you deflected our conversations."

By the time she was finished, Rick had raised his face to look at her, and the betrayal in his eyes was like a dagger to her heart again. But as she kept looking at him, she could see the love flow back in, overtaking his hurt look.

"I know Kate, I wasn't exactly marriage material when we met, and I found it easier to hide behind that persona so I wouldn't get hurt again. But I wanted to become a better person for you, and so I put in the effort, and I'll continue to do that with you, because you are still it for me, the last woman I will ever love."

Kate leaned over and hugged Rick with all her might, and kissed him on the cheek. She whispered 'I love you so much' and stroked his hair as he laid his head on her shoulder. That is how Dr Burke found them when he walked back into the office, pausing in the doorway until Kate nodded again, to show they were ready to resume the session.

Burke took his seat and reviewed his notes, giving the couple a few more moments to reclaim their composure.

"Let's move onto the list of conflicts you couldn't resolve between you. Where would you like to start?"

"Trust." It was Rick's voice, and it was raw, and much quieter than Burke was used to.

"OK Rick, would you like to expand on that?"

"I couldn't understand why Kate would trust two strangers that she still doesn't know for sure are on her side over her husband, who has been by her side for years, covering her back."

Kate had stiffened up as Rick as speaking, knowing this was coming, but not really prepared for it. She still didn't actually have an answer, even though she had thought hard about it, trying to find some clue that would explain it. Surely she must have seen something in them?

"Kate, do you know why you trusted these people so quickly?" Dr Burke asked, although he had an idea based on his previous sessions with her.

"Well, no, but they both seemed legitimate, Rita I couldn't check up on at all, but she mentioned Rick's father and told me things not many people would know. Vikram the AG's office themselves confirmed he had worked for them-"

"Yes, and they said he wasn't who he seemed, Kate. You had never worked with him, and you didn't even verify that the rest of your team had been killed, you just went on the run with him, with no backup, and actually broke the law on two separate occasions. Then after the initial situation was over, you offered him a job at your precinct, and worked exclusively with him on your off-the-books investigation, that you shut me out of!" Rick was worked up again, but he stayed where he was, looking to Dr Burke when his wife wouldn't meet his eye.

Kate was silent, because she didn't have a good reason; there was nothing she could say to refute his claims. Dr Burke gave her a couple of minutes, and then he offered his theory.

"Kate, you and I have discussed in the past that you are obsessed with your mother's case. When you get a lead, or a clue, you run at it with all guns blazing." Both Kate and Rick were nodding with his words.

"So I believe that these two people, whoever they are, knew what your hot buttons were, and how to get you to cooperate with them. And because it was to do with your mother's case, and a 'big bad' to chase, you went along with them, without your usual meticulous need for evidence. You were also kept at a high state of alert where you didn't have time to verify any of the information. Would you say that is correct?"

"Yes, that is correct." Kate was stunned by this revelation, because the way Dr Burke put it made sense, and she was ashamed again that she had allowed herself to be so manipulated. She had made the decision to keep Rick away from her investigation of LOCSAT, but that was heavily influenced by what Rita had said to her, and then Vikram encouraged her to stay away from Rick, even when she was having second thoughts. She glanced at Rick, who was looking down at his hands. When Rick felt her eyes on him, he looked up and spoke.

"Do you remember what happened the first time I looked into your mother's case, Kate? I found evidence for you to carry the case forward, but you told me our partnership was over, and kicked me out of the precinct and your life. I know we have come a long way since then, but I still didn't expect you to run off with two strangers when they did the same thing."

Rick's face was a mask of anguish before he dropped his eyes from hers; this was obviously the biggest hurt he still retained from her departure. He was looking at his hands again, his shoulders slumped in defeat. She had also abandoned him, with no warning and no explanation, just as his father had, just as Kyra had. It reaffirmed in his mind that he was not good enough, and it was with this thought in the forefront of his mind that he waited for someone else to speak.

"So this question of trust is not just about believing strangers over your husband, but also about not being abandoned again. And that is why this is so painful for Rick. Can you see his perspective, Kate?"

Kate's eyes were overflowing with tears, and she gave up on the vain attempt to hold them in. Her guilt for excluding him was all consuming, especially when it had been proved to her numerous times they were better together, but now she realised how it must look to him that she trusted strangers over her own husband. This had come up back at the cabin, and had been put to the side as an issue to discuss with Dr Burke, because there was no way they could resolve it between them, especially when she actually had no idea what had gotten into her. Then he had been angry, and she had missed his real feelings on the matter, but now they were laid bare before her. She had no idea what to say or do, so she looked to Dr Burke for help. After looking at both of them for a minute, he spoke into the silence.

"Kate, I think this is the crux of the matter for Rick, that after your history together, you trusted strangers over your husband, while keeping him in the dark and moving out of the home you shared. You abandoned him with no explanation; in fact I believe you lied to him on that first day about where you were going, and it wasn't until he found your bracelet in a pool of blood that he knew you were in trouble. Even now, you have no valid reason for those actions, although I know that you have given deep thought to it. Until you can identify why you took those actions, you will not be able to prevent similar reactions to any further situations, and Rick will not be able to trust you."

Rick's head snapped up at Burke's words. "I want to trust her, I do. I want our marriage back. But I can't … I can't go through the last 6 months again."

Dr Burke was again reminded of just how much love one human being could have for another, and how lucky Kate Beckett was that she had this man.

"Kate, I would suggest that you were not thinking straight at the time you received that phone call from Vikram, you were nervous about starting a new job, with extra pressures on you, so you were emotionally vulnerable. I remember discussing with you the conditions under which you left the AG's office, and I think that was an unresolved issue for you that you felt you needed to put to bed. When you made the decision to exclude Rick from the investigation, you were also highly emotional, and thinking only of protecting him and his family while seeking justice for your old team. Does that sound reasonable so far?"

Kate nodded, not sure she could trust her voice. She had always been very careful to control her emotions, to not allow them to interfere with her work, and yet in this most important case, they took over and ran rampant.

"I can't suggest you control your emotions, because we know that was harmful in the past. I think we need to prevent these triggers from occurring, and the best way to do that is to remove yourself from whatever may prompt them."

 _TBC_


	35. Chapter 35

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: the last chapter was very intense, and our protagonists need some breathing space, so this is a lighter chapter, but we get to see some of Kate's initial thoughts on Dr Burke's suggestion. I appreciate all your comments in reviews, unfortunately I cannot reassure you without giving part of the story away, so you will need to wait and see what Kate's career choice is. Before that, though, there are some other challenges to work through._

 **CHAPTER 35**

The trip home from Dr Burke's office was made in silence, both partners upset and highly emotional. That had been the hardest session for both of them to face, but at least Kate had the advantage of being scraped raw in the past for her PTSD. For Rick, it was very difficult to talk about his feelings in that environment, and this session addressed his two biggest issues. They ordered in again, and sat eating in silence as well. It wasn't uncomfortable, because they were still communicating with their eyes, and gentle touches to arm, shoulder and back. Afterwards, they cuddled on the couch, both lost in their own thoughts.

Kate was reviewing the contents of the session, as she always did after therapy, and making a mental to-do list of her actions as follow up. She was coming to the realisation that she shouldn't go back to the precinct, or the NYPD, because it would enable her obsession again. What she had not determined yet was what to do instead, and while she had a couple of options, she wanted to discuss them with Rick. He said he would back her play, but he was an integral part of her life, and she had no intention of repeating the DC experience. She glanced at him and saw him deep in thought, so now was obviously not the time to start that conversation. She snuggled in, enjoying his warmth and protection, and his hand drawing mindless shapes on her thigh.

Rick was also reviewing the session, and realigning his memories of his past relationships. Dr Burke had said he was not solely to blame for the way they ended, and he had come to internalise that finally. He also acknowledged that of all of them, Kate was the least like abandonment, because although she had locked him out of her investigation, she did keep saying she was coming back, even if that was not very reassuring at the time. He also realised that he did trust Kate, she had made an amazing effort in focussing on their marriage since she found him in Guthrie, demonstrating strong faith in them even when he himself was unsure in the early days. The only question was what would happen when she eventually went back to work, where the temptation to investigate was so much closer. He knew she wouldn't stay at home with him full time forever, and that was his sole remaining reservation about sharing all of himself with her again.

Rick finished his musings, and noticed that Kate was still cuddled into him, just gazing at him with all her love in her eyes. He didn't hesitate when his first instinct was to lean forward and capture her lips with his. The kiss was sweet and soft, neither of them deepening it, but for the first time Rick wanted to. He knew he was almost at the end of his control where intimacy with Kate was concerned, and he could see in her eyes as they separated that she wanted the same, but was still respecting his request. Before he could say anything, she spoke.

"Rick, I've been thinking about the precinct. You know that I resigned as Captain, so I would not be returning in that capacity. I think I would be happy to return as lead detective for my team, although I am unsure if that would be Ryan and Espo, as they are more than ready to lead their own teams, and I put that recommendation in before I left. But I think Dr Burke was right, when he said that I need to remove myself from the triggers."

"Kate, what are you saying?" Rick was taken aback by this line of reasoning from Kate, unsure of where she was going with it. Was she seriously talking about giving up the NYPD? That didn't sound like Kate. His hand on her thigh stilled as he gave her his full attention.

"I am saying that I solved my mother's case, with help from you, and that was the reason I became a cop in the first place. I enjoyed solving crimes there, achieving those milestones like youngest detective, and giving closure to families. But there is nothing really keeping me there now, and a high risk of something coming up that pulls me down the rabbit hole again. I need to focus on the next stage of my life now, with you, and our family, and if nothing else, being a police detective is a risky profession, with injuries and life threatening situations faced often. I think you and I have both had more than our fair share of those." She was looking at him, trying to gauge if he was onboard with this. Her continuing fear was that once she was not a detective any more, she would stop being an inspiration to him and their relationship would suffer accordingly.

Rick nodded in acknowledgement of her comment, and as he caught her eye again he could see her doubt and hesitation. He understood where that was coming from, and was quick to reassure her.

"Wow, Kate, I never thought I would hear you say that, but I can see where you are coming from. You are a kick-ass detective, and whatever you decide to do next, I know you will be kick-ass at that too. And I will be right by your side, cheering you on. Have you given any thought to what that may be?"

Kate was again grateful that her husband could read her, like no one else before, and he put her fears to rest without her having to give them voice.

"To be honest I haven't thought much beyond that, but I do have a couple of ideas. I could go back and finish my Law degree and work in Civil Rights, or I could find some other area of law that would allow me to help the victims without getting involved in criminal investigations. Or I could just let you be my sugar daddy and sit around watching bad soaps and lunching with the ladies every day."

Kate delivered the last line in a neutral tone of voice, but Rick picked up on the tease in her words immediately, and brought his hand to his chest in mock affront.

"I always knew you were just after me for my money;" he lamented, while his eyes twinkled at her, and he was momentarily distracted by visions of what they could get up to with nowhere to be at a specific time. All those surfaces at the loft to explore!

Kate could see exactly where his mind had gone, so she slapped him gently on the arm, and laughed at him. "You do know that last one was not serious, don't you?"

"Of course, I can't see you sitting at home doing nothing; I think you would go crazy in no time. But there's no rush, Kate, you can take your time making a decision. I can put another desk in my office for you, to use for study or work. And I can write from anywhere, so the choice is really up to you."

"Thanks, babe." Kate snuggled down again, enjoying the closeness with her husband. Rick could tell that was enough serious conversation for tonight, so he turned the TV on for some mindless entertainment. An hour or so later, they went to bed and fell asleep in each other's arms, both slightly more at peace.

 _TBC_


	36. Chapter 36

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: There were some mixed reviews about her career choices after the last chapter, and I know that my direction for this story will not be universally popular. I hope this chapter can explain in part why this Kate would make these choices. 4 more chapters to go_

 **CHAPTER 36**

Kate spent the next couple of days relaxing and enjoying being with Rick, but he often found her deep in thought about her future career. She had never had the opportunity to make the decision without emotional overtones – her initial career had been almost a given, following her parents into law and one day working in practice with them, but then she was lost and in despair after her mother's murder, and her decision to change to a Criminal Justice major at NYU and join the Police Academy was driven very much by her thirst for justice, while also allowing her to be closer to her dad.

Now, she had whatever time she wanted, although she knew she would never drag it out longer than necessary, and she also had almost unlimited resources to pay for whatever courses she wanted to take. She knew Rick was watching her closely during this time, offering his silent support and physical comfort as she needed it, and reaffirming his plan to stand by her side in whatever she chose if she looked like wavering. She also continued going to therapy, both alone and with Rick, and part of her conversations with Dr Burke were now about adapting to a different career path. She still had not made a final decision, and wouldn't before she discussed it with Rick and they made a decision together, but more and more she was acknowledging that there was no way back to the precinct and the way that Castle and Beckett used to solve crimes together in the early days of their partnership – before his disappearance, before their wedding, before her promotion to Captain.

She spoke to her dad, both on the phone and at their favourite diner, and Jim also reassured her that whatever she decided to do with the rest of her working life was exactly what he and Joanna would have wanted for her. They spoke about the different aspects of law, and what her options were should she decide to complete her degree and attempt her bar exam. She assured her dad he would be the second to know, once they made a decision.

Lanie was disappointed to learn Kate was thinking about leaving the NYPD, because it meant they would not be able to work together again, but she was supportive as always, knowing that Kate had more important things to be doing, and so happy that her girlfriend was finally putting herself and her happiness first. Kate expressed her concern about continuing as Rick's inspiration if she was no longer a detective, and Lanie in her inimitable style threatened to smack her for that silliness.

The last person Kate spoke to, before making a decision with Rick, was her former Captain, Victoria Gates. She would have loved to have discussed this with Roy Montgomery, and she shed a tear or two for him again, but in their time working together Gates had become a mentor same as her first Captain, and she had also done the working mother thing, so would have some insight to share.

Victoria was shocked at first that Kate was still considering resigning from the NYPD, even though she had hinted at it in their first interview, when Kate took leave. She was confident Kate would be able to have a family life and continue with her career, but she could understand why the fear of her obsession taking over her life again would be a deterrent. Gates suggested other roles, such as instructing at the Academy, or in Internal Affairs, but admitted that both of them would require more time in the field, and could also be dangerous. In the end, she admitted she admired Kate for putting her family first, existing and future, and offered her recommendation should Kate ever need it. Gates sat thinking in her office after the meeting, and knew that while Kate had said there was no decision yet, she was a lot closer to one than even she realised. She made a couple of phone calls to friends, and requested her assistant pull some specific sections of the regulations, in preparation for another meeting with Kate she was fairly confident was coming.

Kate got home from that meeting more confident in her decision, but she wanted to make sure Rick would also be involved in the process. She wanted to move on with their lives, even though they had made remarkable progress since they reunited it still felt like they were marking time, waiting for some mystical event before they could continue. She also wanted to have her husband back fully, her body ached with withdrawal from his touch, but that was not something she could put a deadline on. All she could do was continue to prove to him that her priorities were finally in order. And that would start tonight, after dinner. She set to making him a special dinner, one of the Georgian dishes she had learnt to cook while in Kiev and that he had loved the last time she had cooked it for him. By the time he got home from an afternoon with Alexis, dinner was ready to be served and the Châteauneuf-du-Pape was breathing on the counter.

Rick could tell Kate had something on her mind during dinner, but he had learnt to give her space to find her own words. He complimented her often on the meal, and made small talk about the people she had met with, while not actually bringing up the main topic of their conversations. After the dishes were cleared, they moved to the couch with full glasses of wine, Rick sitting first to allow Kate to choose her seat, but she didn't hesitate in sitting right next to him, their thighs touching, and nudging his shoulder until he draped his arm over her back.

"Rick, you know I have been thinking about my future career, and have spoken to a few people about my options and steps forward. I think I have finally come to the point where we can discuss the various paths available, and make a joint decision."

"Kate, I appreciate the sentiment, but it's your career, and we know I am probably not going to be alongside you all day like I have been in the past, so it's your decision, I just want you to let me know what you are thinking, so I am not blindsided."

"No, Rick, from now on we make all our decisions together." Rick nodded, so she continued.

"I know that if I return to the precinct, or any sort of job in the NYPD, the temptation to keep investigating LOCSAT will be there. Just as in the past, this case has a way of continuing to haunt us, no matter what we think. Gates suggested I consider doing a series of guest lectures at the Academy, about Beckett flavoured cases, but I can do that as a civilian consultant. I may have spent the last 15 years as a police officer, but it wasn't my first career choice, and I am not prepared to put my life at risk or be an absentee parent, to continue with it. I may be too old now to start working my way towards Chief Justice, but I want to continue my legal studies, and investigate what options there are for fields that will interest me, but keep me away from criminal investigations. Dad said he had some contacts and he would help me with that. What do you think?"

"I think that sounds great. Are you sure you aren't going to miss the precinct, and working cases? I would hate for you to get resentful that you had to leave it behind for the sake of our marriage?" Rick's tone was light, but his eyes were dead serious, because he would never forgive himself if Kate made this decision to please him.

"No, Rick, I won't get resentful. I have thought long and hard about this over the last couple of days, but it's been in the back of my mind since I came after you. And we still have our drinks and games nights with the boys, so I can always pick their brains for case details if I feel the need. However, I do think I may be a bit too busy to worry about that, between studying for my JD degree and working on getting pregnant."

Rick's eyes got dark after her last statement, and he pulled her in for a kiss. Then he sat back, knowing that he had to give her the words as well.

"Kate, I have said many times that I will back your play. If this is what you want to do with your career, than I am by your side. You are going to be great. WE are going to be great!"

 _TBC_


	37. Chapter 37

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Thanks for all your comments about the last chapter, and Kate's decision about her career. There are 2 more chapters to come and an epilogue, but I think the outcome of this chapter has been hotly anticipated – and strongly encouraged in many a review. Hope you enjoy_

 **CHAPTER 37**

The morning that was to herald the most momentous day in their relationship journey started like many others had in the two months since their return from the cabin. Rick and Kate took turns bringing each other coffee in bed, mostly dependent on who was first awake rather than any sort of schedule, and then Rick would cook breakfast while Kate sat on one of the kitchen stools, chatting about what they wanted to do that day. Kate had mentioned a couple of days before that she had an appointment at 1pm that day, but had neglected to share the exact nature of that appointment until this morning. Now, after eating a hearty meal, she asked Rick to stay seated while she disappeared into his study for a moment, coming back with a bunch of papers in her hand.

"What's that, Kate?" Rick asked, curious as ever, seeing the enthusiasm on his wife's face as she almost bounced across the lounge towards him. Kate said nothing, grinning widely, and placed the documents in front of him.

First was her enrolment form for NYU into the law program, opting for a part time course.

The second set of documents was her resignation from the NYPD.

As soon as Rick recognised it, his eyes shot up to Kate's, who was still smiling at him. He stood and took her in his arms, asking "Are you sure about this?" and when she nodded without hesitation; he lifted and spun her around the great room, laughing along with her, until they were both breathless.

"I'm ready to start the next stage of my life, Rick, and I would love for you to come with me as I lodge these today. Are you available?"

"For you, always!" Rick hugged her again, and kissed her soundly. They broke apart when his phone rang and vibrated across the counter. Rick reached for it, the smile on his face only growing wider when he saw that it was Alexis.

"Hi Pumpkin!" He answered, and his daughter could tell immediately he was in a good mood. They exchanged small talk, catching each other up on the week, and Kate suggested he invite Alexis to an early lunch at Remy's before their meeting at 1PP. Alexis was a little surprised when she heard where the meeting was, and also that both of them were going, but she figured it had to do with Kate going back to work, and if there was anything to worry about she would find out eventually.

Lunch was full of laughter, and Alexis could see that her dad seemed to be almost back to his old self again, and Kate was lighter and more care-free than she had ever seen her. Rick and Kate had agreed not to tell Alexis the purpose of their outings yet, intending on making the announcement to their family all together.

They parted on the sidewalk, seeing Alexis into a cab and promising to catch up again soon. Then they called the car service for the trip to 1PP, and asked the car to wait. Kate grasped Rick's hand firmly as they walked through the foyer, both of them recognising it would probably be for the last time. Deputy Director Gates was waiting for them when they arrived on her floor, and she ushered them into her office without ceremony.

"So, Kate, you've made your decision, I gather?" Victoria asked, looking from Kate to Rick, seeing nothing but determination and calm from both of them.

"Yes, Sir, I have. I told you when I took leave that I was resigning the Captain's job and I may not come back, and I appreciate you giving me the time to be sure of that course of action."

Rick was a little startled to hear that even way back then, Kate had already been thinking of not returning to the force, but covered his reaction quickly. Gates noticed, but didn't comment, as she continued to focus on Kate. The small smile on Kate's face told him she had noticed, and his eyes were soft was he watched her.

"I suppose there's nothing I can say to change your mind then?" Gates knew from long experience that once Kate's mind was made up, there was nothing that she would allow to get in her way, but she would be remiss if she didn't make one more attempt on behalf of the department, before they lost such an outstanding officer. Kate just shook her head.

"No Sir, not at all. It's time for me to live my life; I am happy with the 15 years I have given to the NYPD." Kate looked at peace, holding Rick's hand but not clutching it like a lifeline. Gates stood from her desk and walked across, offering her hand to Kate.

"Don't forget our discussion about consulting at the Police Academy. I think you and your shadow could share some valuable insights about investigating unusual crimes with the next crop of graduates."

"I will consider it, Victoria. Thank you."

Thanks for your hard work and dedication, Kate. I know you have given more to this job than was expected of you. Best of luck with your future endeavours. And to you, Mr. Castle." She offered her hand to Rick, who took it after only a moment's hesitation, appreciating that 'Iron Gates' had warmed towards him in the 4 years since she kicked him out of her precinct as an unwelcome 'diletante writer playing cop'.

Kate and Rick made their way out into the afternoon sunshine, and hopped into the town car for the trip to the University. They sent the car away, intending on walking home to the loft, but while they were inside, the sky turned overcast and started spitting. A block from the loft, the rain turned heavy, and so they ran the rest of the way, stumbling into the foyer past Eduardo, laughing at his shocked expression. They continued giggling in the elevator, and when it arrived on their floor they made their slow way to the front door, constantly bumping into each other and dripping onto the carpet all the way.

Rick opened the door, and stepped inside, ready to be rid of their wet clothes, but Kate grabbed his arm and spun him around, stepping just inside the foyer and kicking the door closed behind her. She reached her other arm towards Rick, now holding both his elbows, then looked up at him through her wet bangs and whispered "I just want you, Rick!"

Rick immediately thought back to their first night together, and pushed her back against the loft door, taking possession of her mouth. Their kiss was heated, almost six months of pent up tension bursting forth at the reminder of that night four years ago, and their hands were all over each other. Rick took a moment when air was necessary to look her in the eye, and whisper back "I am yours, always" before taking her hand, and leading her to their bedroom. There, he undressed her slowly, kissing each newly exposed part. Kate wanted to reciprocate, but knew that there would be plenty of time for that now he was ready to resume their sexual relationship. Rick worshiped her body, much like he had done four years ago, and Kate was a very willing participant, giving all of herself to him once again. They made love all night, and slept most of the rest of the next day. Neither could wipe the grin off their face for days afterwards.

 _TBC_


	38. Chapter 38

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: Great response to the last chapter, with them finally back to full contact_ _. Disclaimer for this chapter – I do not live anywhere near New York, so my locations are thanks to uncle Google. I hope you can forgive any discrepancies._

 **CHAPTER 38**

Life was finally back to normal for the couple, after a hard seven months. They had lunch with Martha and Alexis once a week, sometimes together or singly, depending on the redhead's schedules. They invited the boys and Lanie over for poker nights, or Lanie and Kate went out clubbing while the boys played Madden at the loft. The first time this happened, Esposito couldn't believe Rick would let Kate out of his sight dressed the way she was, concerned she would be targeted by all the sleazy guys at the jazz club Lanie was taking her to. Kate just laughed and told Espo she could take care of herself, while Rick smiled lightly at his wife and shrugged, saying he trusted her. That alone would have kept Kate at home, dragging Rick into the bedroom by his hair if they didn't have an audience, but Lanie could obviously tell what she was contemplating because she grabbed Kate's arm and dragged her to the foyer, wishing the boys a good night.

As the weather got warmer, they took a few days away at the Hamptons house, enjoying walks along the beach and watching the sunset. They reconnected as a married couple with all their old haunts, making new memories. Each night they reaffirmed their love for each other and their promise of always. Rick enjoyed having his wife back full time, but a small part of him was still cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Two nights after they returned to New York, his fears were realised.

It was just after they had finished dinner, and Kate was clearing the table while Rick finished the last of his wine, when a knock sounded at the door. They were not expecting any guests, and their family still had keys, so the knock startled both of them, but Kate was already on her feet and only had to change the direction of her walk to make it to the door before Rick could even rise. Rick saw her look through the peep hole and freeze, then take deep breath before she opened the door, just as he arrived at her back.

Standing in the hallway was Vikram, with his mouth open about to speak, but when he caught sight of Rick behind Kate it seemed he swallowed hard and reconsidered what he was going to say. There were a few moments of silence, while the two parties stared at each other, before Kate spoke, her voice full of constraint.

"Vikram, what are you doing here?"

"I … ah,.. I, um" Vikram was stuttering, obviously unprepared for the sight of Rick and Kate's harsh tone. He took a deep breath and tried again.

"I…. ah, I know you told me to put the case away, but I had left some of the moles on the network searching for key terms, and one of them came back tonight, and the message was in clear. LOCSAT himself is coming to New York, his Meridian charter landing at Teterboro at 11pm tonight. It's a perfect chance to find out who he is, and take this down. But we have to go now to give us time to get in position; I have my car out the front." Vikram finished quickly, and took a step back towards the lift, while reaching his hand out to Kate, no doubt expecting her to follow. She in turn just stared at him. Vikram did not dare look at Rick's face, hovering over Kate's shoulder, but he could see the thick tension as he held his body rigid, not touching his wife at all.

After what seemed an eternity to the two men, but was perhaps 30 seconds in real time, Kate spoke, in the same tone of voice she used earlier.

"No, Vikram, I am not going anywhere with you. I told you I was putting this case aside, and I instructed you to do the same. Now I don't know how you got my address, but I suggest you forget it, and don't ever come into my sight again, or I will report you for harassment. Goodbye." And with that she slammed the loft door. She had sensed Rick at her back, and his warmth had given her the strength to send Vikram away, but only when she turned around did she notice how rigid Rick was standing, immobile and still in shock. She took him by the hand and dragged him through his office and into the bedroom, sitting down on the bed and cuddling into him, Rick finally responding enough to warp his arms around her as well. They sat there for a long time, Kate shaking with the aftereffects of emotion.

Vikram looked at the closed door of the loft in front of him, heard the footsteps retreating inside, and slumped to the floor. That was his last and best effort at getting Beckett to follow him, and he had failed. He recalled the phone call that had woken him from his hung over slumber earlier that day.

 _In his half asleep state, he didn't think to check the caller ID before he answered his phone, but really it wouldn't have mattered because it was from a burner, probably a different one each time they called him. As soon as he answered he heard the click of the voice modifier, before his orders were relayed._

" _Get Beckett to Meridian at Teterboro tonight by 11pm. Use whatever means necessary. Do you understand?"_

" _Yes, but, she's not a cop any more, she's not investigating anymore, I thought this was over, I"_

" _I don't care what you think, she may be investigating secretly. Beckett and that writer of hers are far too smart for their own good, there is no way they would just drop it. You have your instructions." The call was disconnected before he could respond._

So now, he was outside the Castles' door, having failed to entice Beckett to the airport. He understood she had really put the case aside, and he knew that if he was to approach her again, she would not hesitate in doing exactly what she threatened, not to mention whatever her husband and his cop friends at the precinct would do to him.

He couldn't go back to his handler and admit he had failed, partly because he couldn't get in touch with them, they always called him, and partly because it was made clear at the previous conversation that this would be his last chance. The only way he could report is to turn up at the rendezvous, but arriving alone would seal his fate anyway. Knowing all this, Vikram only had one option, and that was to run, and keep running, hoping they would never find him, hoping they would eventually stop looking.

Vikram had known that even if he was successful in luring Beckett to the hangar, his time in Manhattan was over, so his meagre belongings were packed in two duffels in the boot of his car. All he had to do was start the car and keep driving. He would head off towards the New Jersey Turnpike, in the hopes that anyone watching would think he was heading towards the hangar, but once on the I-95 he would just keep driving, fast enough to clear the area as soon as possible, but not too fast otherwise some cop may pull him over.

Resolved on what to do, Vikram took the stairs down to the ground floor, got behind the wheel of his car, and drove off, disappearing into the evening murk.

Kate was still shaking, and Rick was brushing his hand down her hair and murmuring soothing sounds, when Rick's phone rang out from the study. He was determined to ignore it, and a few moments later he heard the tone of a voicemail message, but Kate was sitting up, wiping her face with her hands and turning in his lap to look at him.

"That was hard, but I kept thinking about you, and our family. I don't care who LOCSAT is, I just want it to be all over. Tell me it's all over, Rick."

"It is all over for us, my love. You will never see Vikram again, and I will be by your side, Always."

Kate threw herself into his arms again, clutching at him and whispering 'I love you' over and over again. Rick held her, again stroking her head, her hair, and her arms, while he resolved to make a phone call as soon as he could. When Kate's heart rate and breathing had returned to normal, he lifted her enough that he could look at her face, and offered her a bubble bath, which she gratefully accepted. He ran the water, and then helped her in, at the last minute saying he would get some wine for both of them, and left the bathroom for a minute. Kate was enjoying the steam and the hot water on her body, and closed her eyes, dozing off for a few minutes.

Rick did pour more wine into their glasses, but he also collected his phone on the way out of the study, and moved into the lounge to make a quick phone call to Esposito. He told him about Vikram's visit, and the time and place for the supposed arrival. Esposito immediately wondered if it was a trap, which Rick agreed with, so Espo rung off with a promise to inform DC Gates and take care of it. More at ease now, Rick took their wine glasses into the bathroom and joined his wife in the tub. He confirmed the voicemail message was just Alexis wanting to catch up the following week, covering his brief absence without revealing the whole reason for it. Sensing Kate needed comfort more than sex, Rick massaged her shoulders and back, washed her body with the loofah, and then dried her and carried her to bed, wrapping his powerful frame around her, protecting her even in his sleep. Kate was emotionally exhausted so she fell asleep quickly, but Rick said a quick prayer for Espo and his colleagues for what they were to do tonight, hoping they would stay safe.

 _TBC_


	39. Chapter 39

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 _A/N: thanks so much for all your reviews of the last couple of chapters, I have not had the chance to respond individually but know that they are very much appreciated. I would like to respond here to one guest, who said the clubbing didn't fit. I think Kate would love to have a girls night with Lanie, while Rick enjoyed some boy time with Ryan and Esposito, and a jazz club with good music and atmosphere would appeal to both the ladies. We know from canon that Kate loves to dance, so I don't think it was too much of a stretch. This was to be the final chapter, but my words got away from me, so there will be one more chapter, then the epilogue. See you Sunday!_

 **CHAPTER 39**

As soon as Kate and Rick sat down, Dr Burke could tell something was bothering them. Both of them had been making great progress, with more smiles in each progressive therapy session, and Kate's decision about her career seemed to have lifted a weight off both their shoulders. But now, Rick's face was drawn, his eyes full of worry and constantly on his wife, and Kate was rigid and pale. They held hands, so Burke knew it wasn't something between the two that had caused the situation, but obviously they needed to talk it out.

"Kate, Rick, it's good to see you, although I had expected you in better spirits. Has something happened?"

The couple looked at each other, before Kate nodded, giving permission for Rick to tell their story.

"Three days ago, Vikram came to our door, with a supposed lead for Kate for the identity of LOCSAT. He wanted her to go with him to Teterboro airport, for an 11pm meeting."

Dr Burke glanced over at Kate, wondering how she would have felt with that temptation placed in front of her, but he said nothing, waiting for Rick to continue the story.

"Kate turned him away, telling him she would charge him with harassment if he contacted her again. Then she cuddled into my arms and I held her until the shakes passed."

Burke never would have guessed that Rick Castle could understate a situation, but that was the most succinct description of what was obviously an extremely stressful situation he had ever heard. The therapist was relieved that Kate was able to resist the temptation, although it must have been a very challenging situation for her, based on her current condition. He could hear the pride in Rick's voice, and the relief as well. But it seemed he was not done.

"While Kate had a relaxing bath, I called her police partner, who passed the lead onto the Deputy Commissioner, the same person Kate had handed the case to before she came looking for me. The case is still classified, so we don't have all the details, and I cannot share too much, but a SWAT team was dispatched to the meeting point, and took down the mercenaries sent there to kill Kate and Vikram when they turned up. Under interrogation, they were able to determine who the head of the organisation was, and a clean-up of the involved agency is currently taking place. Vikram disappeared the same night, we think he ran when he couldn't get Kate to go to the meeting with him, but none of his accounts have been accessed since, so we think he may have been killed for his failure."

Burke could now understand why Kate was so pale. She had come very close to dying again for this case, and only her strong resolve to put it aside had saved her. Rick was clearly radiating relief that the case seemed to be over, at least as far as they were concerned.

"How do you feel about this, Kate?" Dr Burke asked, knowing they had not just come to him with the announcement, but to work though the situation in a positive way.

"I don't know, to be honest. I was tempted, for just a second, to go with Vikram, but I could feel Rick behind me, and it reaffirmed in my mind that he and my family are the most important things to me, not some nameless faceless man who will never actually face justice. I am glad to know that my part of it is definitely over, and I said to the agent interviewing me that I don't want to know anything more. I was ready to move on from this before, and knowing that it's over doesn't change that."

"So what happens if some other faceless man takes over this operation?" This was Rick, expressing his fear, partly because he knew there were always shady elements in any organisation, and partly because he still worried about Kate's crusade for justice.

"Well, I won't know what they are doing, and I won't be in a position to get pulled into investigating, either. I have you to make sure I won't jump into anything that isn't my business, and our friends and family to make sure they don't even mention those sorts of cases to us."

"That's right Kate, you do have a great supportive circle of friends and family around you, and I think being honest with them about your challenges and asking for their help is one of the great achievements of your therapy sessions. What about you, Rick?"

"I am also glad that it's over, and relieved beyond words that Kate resisted the temptation, and her first instinct, to go into danger. I still worry that removing this person, this team, will leave a vacuum that some other dishonest person will jump in to fill; but like Kate I have come to realise that we can't solve all the crimes in the world, and our part in this is finished."

"Very good, both of you. You have the tools in hand now to manage Kates's compulsions, and I have to say that while I don't normally do couples therapy, you two have the strongest bond of any married couple I have ever met or heard about. I am confident that together you will achieve whatever you set your minds to. "

"Thanks, Dr Burke, we wouldn't be here right now without your help and insight."

"That's only partly true, Kate. I just guided you and Rick towards the right decisions, and provided a safe area to communicate in. Your willingness to participate, and be open and honest, was critical to your progress. Remember that you are not 'cured'; this is not a one-time fix. You will need to continue applying the tools you have discovered her each and every day of the rest of your life. And you know you can always call me if you have a need."

"We will, Dr Burke, and thank you." This was Rick, having stood up to shake his hand, his arm around Kate. They made their way out of the office and back to the loft, Kate uncharacteristically silent this time, while Rick made a couple of attempts at small talk before he hugged her close and let her process.

Ever since Kate found out about Esposito's involvement in the raid on the airport, guilt had reared its ugly head again for putting her friends into harm's way. Only when Javier and Kevin had come to the loft was she reassured they were both fine, with no injuries. Espo at first berated her for worrying about him, it being a normal part of being a cop, but then Ryan took her aside and explained they were glad they were able to assist with putting this case to rest for her. After they left, she talked it out with Rick, and used the guilt about putting them in danger as just another reason not to give in to temptation and investigate these sorts of cases.

Back in the loft, Rick cooked dinner for them, knowing they needed comfort food and the domesticity of preparing it. Partway through washing up, Kate came up and hugged Rick from behind, placing a kiss between his shoulder blades and whispering thank you for the way he knew how to take care of her without a word.

Rick turned in her arms so he could hug her back, placed a kiss on her forehead then cleared his throat.

"I've been thinking."

Kate raised an eyebrow, wondering what his latest harebrained idea would be, as the smirk on his face clearly broadcast this as. When he didn't explain further, she huffed and prompted him.

"And?" Rick's smirk became wider as he sensed her frustration with his hesitance.

"Well, you are about to finish the current box of your contraceptives, and I'm not getting any younger. I would hate to be using a walking frame to take my kids to pre-school."

Kate raised both eyes to him, the joy radiating from her face, but she wanted to be sure.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Yes, Kate, I think we are ready to start trying for a baby, if you agree?" there was still a question at the end of his statement, because he didn't want to force her into this before she was ready.

"Oh, I am more than ready, and it's going to be so much fun practicing!"

They left the dishes for the next day, so they could get started straight away.

 _TBC_


	40. Chapter 40

_Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended._

 **CHAPTER 40**

Kate sat on the closed toilet seat, every line of her body tense. Rick was perched on the rim of the bath, totally focussed on his wife. When she first sat down, he reached out a hand, but she seemed oblivious, eyes fixed on the white wand sitting on the counter. Even though there was a 3 minute wait, it seemed she was willing the result to appear quicker by the sheer force of her interrogation stare.

Every month since they had decided to start trying for a baby, they had performed this ritual, all with the same result – only one pink line. Sometimes Kate would blame herself for getting their hopes up, when her period arrived just a day or two later than she expected. Her doctor had told her it would take time for her cycle to return to normal, but being ready for this next stage of her life, she wanted it to happen immediately. Rick had no direct experience of this period, but he knew how to Google, and all his research said it would take some time, first to rebalance her hormones, and then to find the perfect time for conception. After three months, both of them had made appointments for a full check-up, and received a clean bill of health. There was nothing stopping them from having a baby naturally, it was just a matter of time.

Kate's heart doctor had expressed his reservations about the strength of her heart, knowing the stresses growing a new life would place on her body, and both Kate and Rick had agreed on monthly visits to her obstetrician from the first month she was finally pregnant. She had also been taking Folate and other pregnancy vitamins, so they were as prepared as possible for her to be pregnant, and still, the absence of that second line mocked her.

Part of Rick's research also told him that stress was a negative influence on getting pregnant, and this was borne out by both the doctors and their friends. Lanie had no children, but she was an aunt many times over, and as a doctor herself she was full of good advice. The best source of information during this time turned out to be Jenny Ryan, and Rick developed a new appreciation for his Irish friend's petite wife. Jenny spoke openly and without embarrassment about their attempts at getting pregnant with Sarah Grace four years earlier, and they laughed anew at Kevin's rush home at all hours of the day to catch his wife "in the zone" for ovulation, and how he would return to the precinct afterwards looking sheepish but with a Cheshire grin. Jenny was the only one who could talk Kate down when she got it in her head there was something wrong with her, and Jenny who suggested they stop trying so hard for a month or so and just enjoy being together.

Rick took that advice to heart, and knowing that Kate had no commitments for the rest of the month, he surprised her with a long delayed trip to Bora Bora. He also set some ground rules on the flight over – they were not to talk about babies or anything baby related at all for the week, and they would only make plans for each day that morning, allowing them full freedom to relax and enjoy the trip. Kate struggled with this the first couple of days, but was able to relax and settle in by the third day, and it was with extreme reluctance they both packed their bags again a week later.

The break was good for Kate, and she returned to New York more relaxed than Lanie had seen her in years. Her friend told her as much on their first lunch date back, and jokingly asked if Rick could send her away for a week as well. Lanie had been as busy as ever at the morgue, with Perlmutter having finally retired to Florida and no full time replacement being found yet, but she didn't share any details of cases with Kate, finding the topic no longer appropriate now Kate wasn't in the NYPD. They still found plenty to talk about, Lanie particularly keen to share her news about a new man in her life. It was still early days, but Alan seemed like he was exactly what Lanie had been looking for, now that she was also ready to settle down.

The boys' game nights had become harder to schedule, mainly because Kevin and Javier were on different shifts at the precinct, leading their own teams – Javier still in Homicide, Kevin doing a stint in Narcotics again – so Rick and Kate had them over for lunch or dinner when it suited, and had invited all of them to the Hamptons for the Memorial Day weekend, with an offer to stay the week after if they could arrange it.

Kate jumped into her law studies with enthusiasm, and while she was only completing one module per semester, she had a dedicated study schedule and Rick often found her at her new desk in their shared study, reviewing her class notes or reading from a text. She had also agreed to start on some notes for a possible lecture to cadets at the Police Academy about 'Beckett-flavoured' cases, and with Rick's help she had compiled a twenty-page document that was in final edits before sending it to Victoria Gates. In this way, she kept herself busy and engaged during the day, and happily fell into bed of an evening with her husband, early or late depending on his writing schedule, and they made unhurried love and fell asleep in each other's arms.

In between writing and edits, Rick spent at least a couple of days a week at the PI office, reviewing their cases with Hayley and Andrew, Hayley's new assistant. RC Investigations drew a regular stream of clients, and Rick enjoyed 'dabbling' while Hayley backed him up and kept the business running, sometimes bringing Alexis in for a consult as well. With Kate's legal background and current studies, she would also assist where a client needed some basic legal advice, before directing them to the relevant legal professional. Sometimes that happened to be Jim Beckett, turning RCI into a whole family affair.

Overall, Rick was very happy with the progress they had made, and their second wedding anniversary was celebrated very differently to the first one, when both of them had been alone and lonely and their future together was in doubt. Now, they were together for the whole day, Kate bringing Rick breakfast in bed, dragging themselves out of the loft for a late lunch at their favourite café and then back home for a long pleasurable evening and night spent in each other's arms.

They were finally on the right course for the rest of their lives, with a strong marriage and a loving circle of family and close friends around them. Rick couldn't help but compare the last two years to the first two years in his other marriages. While there had not been anywhere near the upheaval and stress with Meredith and Gina, there also had not been anywhere near the same amount of personal growth for both Kate and himself, and he firmly believed that would stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives. He gave thanks to whichever heavenly being was watching over them, and had sent Kate after him when he retreated to Texas, and then given her the strength to fight for their marriage and fix the problems her ill-conceived decisions after her first day as Captain had created.

He was recalled to the present when Kate stood up suddenly, took two steps to the counter and picked up the wand. He saw her freeze for a moment, then spin around so fast he didn't have time to even stand up before she was there in front of him, holding out her hand towards him. The wand was too close for him to focus on properly, but he looked up into her eyes, and saw the brightest smile he had ever seen take over her face. It was only then that he stood up, pulled his wife into his chest and looked at the wand in her hand – two lines. Hi smile matched hers before he smudged it to her mouth. When they parted for air, both of them whispered 'I love you', in sync as always.

 **The End.**

 _A/N: Epilogue to come, see you Sunday._


	41. Epilogue

_A/N: parts of this chapter borrow from the last few moments of the series finale, so I will expand my disclaimer thus – if you recognise it, it definitely aint mine! I borrowed parts of the final scene because I wanted to blend the story back into canon at some point. Sadly, I couldn't find an earlier place to do that, either due to plot or timeline, or both._

 **EPILOGUE**

 _7 Years later._

The dining table was set for a casual brunch, but there was no one in sight. Then, like a rocket, 6 year old Lily came streaking out of her parents' bedroom, determined to be first to the table, as always. Behind her came Reece, being chased by Jake, three year old twin brothers her constant shadows. Jake tripped, but was saved from falling by Kate, who lifted him under his arms and swung him around until she could put him into his booster seat, while Rick made sure Reece was in his, and filled Lily's juice cup. Then he made sure his wife's coffee cup was full and hot, before the kids got stuck into the food.

They normally spent Memorial Day, and the week after, in the Hamptons, but with Alexis due with her second child any day, they had decided to stay in the city to be closer when Elliot called them, and so they could look after little Nate while his dad took his mum to the hospital. Rick loved having his grandson over to play, and often led all three boys on adventures around the loft, to the amusement of his wife and daughters. Nate was not old enough to understand that Jake and Reece were his uncles, not his cousins, so it was just easier to call all the kids cousins through the extended family.

Once everyone was settled at the table, and the kids had full plates to attend to, Rick and Kate sat back in their chairs, looking at each other, and reached out their hands at the same time to connect across the table. No words were spoken, but both of them could see in their partners' eyes the relief and joy at being together as a family, having made it here after all the troubles of their early partnership and marriage.

Lily had been much anticipated and planned, although falling pregnant with her had taken most of a year, but the boys were a surprise, and not just because twins did not appear in either family history. They could have been in Rick's father's line, but they weren't going to explore that option, didn't know how to get in touch with him even if they wanted to. Almost as soon as Kate said she was ready for another child, she seemed to be pregnant again, and when the 20 week scan confirmed two foetuses, her belly doubled in size almost overnight.

Kate was still seeing Dr Burke monthly during her first pregnancy, and she seemed almost calm about her pending parenthood. By the time the boys arrived though, Dr Burke had retired, and while he had referred the Castles to a younger colleague with similar credentials, Kate was reluctant to start from scratch again. Privately Rick suspected this was a major factor in Kate suffering badly from post-natal depression, questioning every action and decision she made with regards to the boys, and often crying herself to sleep over some imagined slight or omission she perceived would mark her babies for life. When she started to withdraw into herself, and mutter about being a terrible mother and the kids and Rick being better off without her, Rick called in reinforcements, and Jenny worked her magic again, eventually convincing Kate to see a therapist who specialised in PND. Seven hard months later, she was back to her usual self, and she also decided to only return to work part time, so she could spend more time with her husband and kids.

Jim Beckett had appreciated having Kate working with him after she finished her law degree, and was so proud of her for pursuing her initial career choice that sometimes he couldn't control his tears as he watched her consult with a client. When Kate went back to work after Lily was a year old, Jim started cutting back his hours, easing into retirement while still being available to mentor his daughter. His intention was to retire to the family cabin when Kate returned after the twins, but seeing her struggle changed his plans to stay closer to town, and it was her dad who finally convinced Kate that cutting back to 3 days a week was definitely the best arrangement for her and her family, and the other partners could handle the workload, thereby removing her guilt for doing something for herself.

Kate also still presented seminars on dealing with unusual cases at the NYPD Police Academy, and had in fact been invited to present at 4 other neighbouring state institutions. Victoria Gates was pushing for the 'Beckett Program' to go national, and already there were enquiries from federal law enforcement as well. Rick had been instrumental in creating the first syllabus along with Kate, but had since taken a much less visible role, allowing Kate to reap the acclaim she so richly deserved – at least in his opinion, she was not so sure – and so he could be with the kids when she was out of town. Kate's main reluctance with making the program more wide-spread was the amount of travel she would have to do, at least initially, but as always, her husband came up with the perfect solution – the kids weren't in school yet, they could travel around as a family, taking whatever time they wanted and needed to set up the program, and then once local instructors were capable, she would only need to consult by phone. She was close to a decision, but she definitely didn't want to be out of state when their latest grandchild was born.

Her third 'job' was the one that gave her the most joy outside of her home, because she was able to administer the Johanna Beckett Memorial Fund alongside her husband. The deans of the various law schools submitted their most likely candidates, but it was Kate and Rick who sat down with a senior partner from her dad's law firm and a couple of experienced judges from the District Court, to interview the finalists and make the choice for each year's recipients. The first three years of the fund they were able to support one law student intent on civil rights work, but since then, at least two recipients were named each year, and this coming year there would be four.

The fund still held one major fundraiser per year, a gala event which had become the hottest charity ticket in town, moving to bigger premises every year, and eventually having to cap attendance and institute a waiting list. It was also one of the only times Rick Castle was seen in public, having withdrawn from the media circus that had made him into the millionaire playboy when his youngest children were born. He still wrote, publishing a novel a year, and he still allowed Black Pawn to schedule two local book signings per year, but he made it very clear that his family came first. Kate tried to argue with him, didn't want him to give up effectively his work, but Rick was adamant, and in the end it worked out for the best, because Kate was still, and would always be, a very private person, and sheltering their kids was their top priority.

The Castle family brunch was interrupted by the ringing of Rick's phone, and even before he answered he knew that Alexis had gone into labour so he excused himself while he arranged for Elliot to drop Nate over in an hour or so, and then called Lanie to let her know the progress. Lanie and Alexis' special friendship had only deepened over the past few years, and Alexis would have no other with her as a birthing partner alongside her husband. Meredith may have been surprised to learn this, but she was not due to visit for another month or so, depending on her auditions, and she had already said she didn't enjoy the first few days a baby arrived, with 'all that screaming and pooping'.

Lanie herself, while spending the last five years wishing and praying for children of her own, was still just the favourite auntie of a growing horde of Castle and Ryan children, in addition to her own extended family. She and her husband were now considering adoption, and Rick had already offered whatever assistance he could provide via any of his numerous 'guys'. Kate knew that in whichever method Lanie and Alan eventually became parents, they would provide that child with unconditional love and a stable home life.

After Nate was comfortably buried in a nest of pillows and three cousins, in front of the big screen Rick set up for the kids (and him) to watch Disney movies, Kate made the second round of phone calls to notify the rest of their extended family about the imminent arrival. Grandparents were first cab off the rank, and Martha and Jim were both delighted to soon meet the newest family member, although no one knew which gender they were expecting, because Alexis had chosen to keep it a surprise. Rick had tried to weasel the answer out of her, but he was frustrated because she admitted even she didn't know. He pouted for at least an hour after that pronouncement, and then declared it was obviously another boy for him to spoil.

Kevin and Jenny and their three kids were in Sacramento visiting her mother, but they were due back in a week or so and promised to catch up as soon as they could, with Jenny passing on her best wishes for a speedy labour and easy birth for Alexis. Javier must have been out of signal range when Kate first called, but he called back as soon as he could and was also ecstatic about the news. He and Sonia were expecting their first child in 5 months, and he was taking his last solo fishing trip with his ex-army buddies before he devoted himself fully to his family. Already Kate could hardly recognise the soft spoken and attentive husband her gruff detective partner had become.

Melissa Susan Draper arrived at 9:17pm, weighing exactly 8 pounds. Within an hour of her birth, she had been dubbed 'Molly', and that nickname would stick despite repeated attempts on the part of her mother to quell her grandfather's enthusiasm. At Elliot's request, Kate and Rick brought all the kids in the next morning, and Nate was very excited to have a baby sister to look after and play with, once she got a bit older of course.

Martha breezed into the private ward a few minutes later, causing a stir among all the staff as the Grand Dame of Broadway arrived. Her career had experienced a revival in the preceding 5 years, and more often now Rick was referred to as Martha Rodgers' son, not she as Rick Castle's mother. In her presence he grumbled about this, but secretly he was beyond delighted at her success, and promoted her work more vocally than his own.

When Jim arrived, another round of greetings and congratulations were exchanged, and then almost by unspoken agreement Jim and Martha offered to take the kids for the day so Kate and Rick could have a few hours of peace after almost no sleep the night before. At first Kate wanted to refuse, but Rick quickly put his hand over her mouth and dragged her out of the ward, to the soundtrack of amused laughter from the other adults present. Rick did almost fall asleep in the car on their return to the loft, but once inside he seemed to have found his second wind, and gently coerced Kate into celebrating in their own private way.

Afterwards, they lay in each other's arms, Kate's head on Rick's chest, her arm draped over his stomach and her legs entwined with his, allowing their breathing and heart rate to return to normal. Rick thought Kate may be falling asleep, until she sat up and kissed him, then snuggled again and said "Thank you, Mr. Castle. I don't think I would have ever made it here without you."

He smiled gently, and then replied "Always, Mrs. Castle."

 **A/N2: And so we have come to the end of this story, and I want to thank each and every one of you who commented, reviewed, sent me PMs, encouraged me on ffnet and twitter, and hung in there for what became a 10 month labour of love. When I started this story for the Castle 2015 Winter Hiatus Ficathon, I thought I may be able to meet the mini-ficathon word count of 15,000 words, if I was lucky. Now, I have written 67,283 words for this story alone, and I can understand when other authors say the story runs away with them. The bare bones of this story are identical to what I planned in November 2015, but the story is so much richer than I could have imagined back then, and for that I have to thank Garrae and Perspex13 for helping me get out of a couple of tight spots and validating some of my personal head canons for these characters. There are also a number of other fanfic authors who inspire me to become a better writer, and spending virtual time with them during the weekend of the Castle Fic Stream Con, so wonderfully organised by Griever11, has sown the seeds for the improved culmination of the story you have just finished.**

 **This epilogue was the hardest chapter of Reparer for me to write, mainly because it's saying goodbye to this world and these characters that I love so much. But never fear, I still have ideas and stories in progress for this fandom, so while ever you continue to read and review my stories, I will continue to write them. Next up, California Dreams, and then I will finish Trading Places. Somewhere in between, you may see some little drabbles that escape due to the machinations of the Evil Prompt Overlord.**

 **Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.**

 **M**


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